Nanny

[SallySooo]

My child age 2 was crying so I came to take over and my nanny wouldn’t let me. I said about 3 or 4 times I will give her a cuddle and she wouldn’t look at me and hugged my child and wouldn’t pass her to me. I ended up leaving the room. Is this normal for a nanny? Is it really necessary to be so territorial. I understand she’s doing her job but surely if someone at my work came over to my desk to talk I would look away from my computer and talk to them or let them speak to the client or whatever they were asking to do

Yes I agree

@Hollietree thank you for your comment but that’s not the case.

Right before we hired our nanny, a colleague from work gave me this advice: it is tempting to treat the nanny as part of the family but be careful and always remember she is an employee, and forgetting that can set you up for long term issues.

Now I have my own nanny, I can totally see how that happens. Little things add up and after a while you can't say anything. You want to give her the space and it's tempting to let her lead but you are the parent and the employer. You need to be more assertive. In that situation, I would have calmly said I'm taking her. And take her. Period.

It's like work. It would be bad management if you could see an employee making ongoing mistakes and only raising that at their annual review. Things need to be addressed then and there, for the nanny's sake too!!!

Is it possible that the nanny was trying to show you that she can cope well? Maybe she wanted you to see that she can soothe your crying child and you can trust her to do her job?

You said you get on well so perhaps that's a discussion you can have?

We interviewed 10 nannies and I have to say, personality is key. Some nannies we interviewed were clearly very experienced but they were used to managing busy households for parents who were travelling all the time and they expected to come in and have the run of the house. That would have been totally inappropriate for our scenario - one baby and 2 parents who are home a lot. We needed someone experienced but who was more gentle and wants to be given more instructions.

I am a nanny and have met many, many nannies who get weirdly possessive of their nanny children. There's a strong belief in the nanny community that if you're on the clock the parent should be as absent as if the child were at nursery and if the parent so much as breathes in the same room as their own child then the baby cannot possibly bond with the nanny and will never listen to a word the nanny says.

It's so, so wrong and goes against all attachment theories and the normal pattern of trust and forming relationships.

I would be having STRONG words with the nanny and if she ignored me or prevented me from comforting MY child again she'd be sacked.

I think that would be for the best

@SpringIsSpringing25 thank you for your comment. I know it comes from a place of thinking you’re protecting a nanny. However what you don’t realise is you’re encouraging a person to terminate an employee who is happy in her job. She left a job prior that she wasn’t happy in. She is happy now. Good employers can raise questions like the above and still be good employers. Have a nice evening

@CremeEggsForBreakfast thank you, this is interesting to hear about. It just gave the impression of arrogance - ‘I’m doing my job so P off’ sort of thing.

I agree with this, and I don’t think the comments on here are helpful.

The power is not with the nanny, it’s with the employer. You can’t just ignore your employer when they are instructing you. If the job isn’t for you as the parent sets it out, then leave. Parents should not have to put up with feeling uncomfortable around their nannies and as though their wishes aren’t followed.

The nanny behaved poorly. If she was disgruntled, the right move would be to discuss it with you professionally post incident, not ignore you.

I can understand your concern OP and think you need a conversation about it with your nanny.

As a pp has already said I think when WFM boundaries can easily be blurred.

Once possible thing to consider is that your child will not necessarily understand you are WFH and whilst you were available in that instance (and understandably wanted to offer comfort) what happens the next time if you are mid-meeting?

Perhaps the Nanny was concerned about setting a precedent that would be hard to deal with moving forward where your little one learns that if she is upset and you are in the house, you will be the person to always offer comfort?

I can imagine that may be quite difficult as the nanny is not only trying deal with the initial upset but also the confusion that mummy isn’t available.

Talk it through with your nanny and listen to what she has to say before coming to any conclusions/decisions.

edited for typos

I’m not sure they see it quite like that.

We had a housekeeper when I was growing up who would come rushing across the minute you ran a glass under a tap to rinse it, or picked up the iron. She would tsk tsk tsk and say let me, let me and take it from you It was bloody aggravating- especially if you didn’t actually want her to do it. I used to get in a tussle with her, saying no it’s fine, I can fix it.

In the end my mum said please just let her. It’s her job and when you do it she feels criticised, as though she hadn’t got to it fast enough, and she feels embarrassed that she is there to clean and iron and you are doing it. She feels it as a form of implicit criticism and is wanting to demonstrate her usefulness. I think my mum was right. It is annoying, but it’s also only fair to let people do their job.

There is actually a Downton abbey episode where Matthew won’t let Molesley dress him and says it’s ridiculous having someone to dress a grown man. It was actually rude as it was essentially what Molesley wss trained to do and the raison d’etre of his job description. Matthew then realised this and let him dress him and I did flinch a bit as it reminded me of how I’d behaved to our housekeeper.

Hmm I think that if the nanny was herself a mother it simply would not have happened. In what world does a mother not let another mother hold her crying baby

@Calliopespa thank you

Anyway it’s been useful to get your takes on this. Thank you

I agree with the poster who said it's the WFH blurred lines.
If you want to comfort your child you ideally should tell the nanny you're taking a 1/2 break and handover properly.

Its not fair for her to have to second guess if you're in the middle of something and just dipping in or if you are happy to comfort entertain your child without her.

@BreadInCaptivity thanks, it’s not quite like that though in this house. There are several children. Lots to be getting on with. Would expect the nanny to just say ok and go and deal with the others or make dinner or something. Child is very familiar with her as it’s been over a year. If I’m not home it’s fine if I’m home it’s fine -

You are absolutely in the right to want to comfort your child if you are in the room. Some of the responses on here are very bizarre. As a PP has said, a nanny at the end of the day is employed by you to give childcare, they are not the child’s mother and must respect that as part of offering what is ultimately a nurturing yet still professional service. Boundaries are important. In child development, Bowlby’s attachment theory actually places a lot of importance on the child forming a close relationship with a responsive care-giver as part of being able to develop secure attachments later in life. The primary care-giver is the mother, the nanny is there only when the mother is unavailable, much as the key-worker system operates in a nursery setting.

I think your comments about the nanny not being a mother are unnecessary and catty. Almost like those nauseas people who say ‘you don’t know true love until you have a child’, if you wanted a nanny who was a mother then you should have hired one, not hired a childless nanny then patronise her about not having children.

I don't think it matters what she thought, or was trying to do, or anything else... You're her employer and you gave a clear work-related instruction, it's not her place to refuse or ignore it.

She can share her concerns or discuss ways of working, she can quit if she isn't happy about they way you want things done, but she can't ignore work instructions simply because she disagrees with it.

She can also set herself as childminder, be self-employed and make up her own rules that others have to abide to. Lots of options available to her.

Would you say that about a midwife or a paediatrician or a teacher who didn’t have children? No, you probably wouldn’t.

I can see this from both points of view

she is the nanny you have employed to look after your child and your trust her judgment

equally you are the child’s mum and her employer

the laptop scenario is quite true

the nanny was dealing with the situation and you came in and ‘interfered’

this is how she sees it

yes as a mum I get it’s hard to hear your child cry.

it is very hard for nannies to have a parent working at home if they come and ‘help’ out at situations

you did it to make you feel better as it’s horrible to hear them cry

Thank you. Not expecting people on the internet to agree with me - happy to hear different views.

I think this is one of those things : who gets ahead at work/ who does well/ usually those people who employers are happy to have around in their home or to have in their office.

If my employer wanted to talk on a conference call because she wants to build a relationship with a client then I would absolutely allow her to. It’s my job. It’s expected. If I make her feel bad for it then she will not ask to do it going forward. Is that what I want? No of course not, not if I want to be a well regarded team player

Oh nooooo. This would not be the nanny for me at ALL. A good working relationship with a women who cares for your children when you are working is the holy grail.

I love my nanny… sometimes more than my husband (which he agrees is reasonable). I sometimes work from home and we work as a team. I back her up and vice versa. We often fold kids laundry together, tidy their breakfast away whilst chatting at the beginning or end of our day. The children see us working together. She’s now been with us for 8 years. We back each other up like parents do.

It’s not the ‘having a nanny’ that is the issue: maybe this just isn’t the nanny for you and vice versa. My nanny (I don’t even like calling her that- she’s my wingwoman) has 3 lovely young adult children and would never act as you have described.

@SallySooo No, I really don't think that's it. And as the parent and employer it was weird that you left it. You have the authority in the room. If she's not listening, you don't just leave.

Either you didn't make yourself clear, or she was blatantly ignoring you. Either way, it needs to be addressed.

Edited: sorry was trying to quote the part where the OP was criticising the nanny for not being a mother herself!