Nanny

[SallySooo]

My child age 2 was crying so I came to take over and my nanny wouldn’t let me. I said about 3 or 4 times I will give her a cuddle and she wouldn’t look at me and hugged my child and wouldn’t pass her to me. I ended up leaving the room. Is this normal for a nanny? Is it really necessary to be so territorial. I understand she’s doing her job but surely if someone at my work came over to my desk to talk I would look away from my computer and talk to them or let them speak to the client or whatever they were asking to do

@224RainandSunshine thanks sorry I wasn’t criticising anyone for not being a mother themselves that came out wrong. I meant that she may have been more aware of how I was feeling if she put herself in my shoes as a mum whose baby was crying. Thanks for your perspective

Perhaps the child was crying because she'd been told no or because the nanny had said we need to do x now and the child didn't want to comply? If that's the case, as the parent you shouldn't come in and undermine the nanny by giving a cuddle at that moment. Perhaps you need to have a chat with nanny about what happened.

@SallySooo, I agree with @CremeEggsForBreakfast‘s comments at 19:13.

You are the parent and employer, yet the nanny was allowed to defy your instructions and put you on the back foot.

A child’s trust in their parents is key to their core feelings of safety and security. You were right there, yet your child saw that you did not comfort her/him, as the nanny forbade it. She breached your right to comfort your own little one, as well as your child’s right to be comforted by her/his mother when she was so close by.

The nanny’s behavior calls for a serious discussion. Personally, I would let her go. Nobody is going to block me from showing affection to my own daughter when she is upset and I am on the scene. No employee is going to exert control and override my instructions.

@Endofyear thanks, no my child was just very tired - long day at nursery bit emotional at bath time that was all.

Why was the child crying ?

2yr have tantrums over nothing

sounds like more been told no or off rather then hurt theirselves

Crossed post

so nanny was bathing child. Got a bit tired and emotional. It happens

not sure why you went in tbh if nanny was dealing with it

Goodness me, some of the comments from ‘I’m the employer with the power’ brigade make me feel sorry for nanny’s. Any nanny we’ve had has become part of the family and we’ve always understood the infinite
wisdom in treating the person who cares for your children veryyy well. We would never want to make a nanny feel like we’re the ones with power over her. She has power over your DC.

However I do agree, she should have immediately given you your daughter.

Then again, you didn’t say why your daughter burst into tears. Was it a tantrum? If so I can see why that would be annoying for the nanny.

I was a nanny, pre children. I've worked with hands off parents and hands on parents. But when it comes to a situation as you've described, you are the parent. You trump them. It doesn't matter if Tommy doesn't want to eat his peas and has a hug with mum instead (yes it can be infuriating but par of the course) or if Darcy has bitch slapped her sister, been told off and dad hugs their child. If the parent wants to comfort their child, the parent comforts their child.

As a mother, if someone withheld my child from me in my home, and I was paying them for the privilege...we'd be having words.

You are the boss! What you say goes!

I remember the absolute visceral rage I felt when my father-in-law refused to let me comfort my crying 9 month old. I felt like punching him! I didn't of course, but I forcibly took DD from him. It didn't help that he was always trying to undermine me as a mother, nor that she was crying because he had put her in her rocking chair without strapping her in, and she'd fallen on her face! Circumstances are very different to yours, OP, but I still feel it's important never to come between a mother and her crying child if mother wants to offer comfort. I agree with those who say that this is an employee defying an order from her employer, and I would be having strong words or even letting her go.

I can understand why it would be very triggering with your FIL because firstly he had caused the problem through ineptitude, but secondly ILs can be assertive of their relationship with a child. There also isn’t really a reason for a FIL not to let you comfort; it’s not as if he’s paid to help you out with the child.

However I do see the nanny situation as a little different. It would be quite reasonable for her to think she is employed and paid to help free the mum from childcare while she is in the home. I expect the motivation was really just to demonstrate she was up to the task. Without getting very creative, I can’t really think of any plausible reasons or motivations beyond that.

Maybe just clarify op ( with children out of earshot) that if they are upset when you are home and you are free to do so, you would prefer to be able to comfort them yourself, that you know she can manage it fine but as a mum sometines it is instinctive to want to do it yourself.

That way she is less likely to feel you are only stepping in because you feel she is not managing. I think she probably resisted to demonstrate it was “all under control.”

It's very comforting for a child to get a hug from their Mum, particularly when stressed or hurt. Nobody else can provide that level of reassurance. If it happens again nothing should stop you from providing a big hug for your child. I wouldn't be happy with a nanny who can't understand that

I think it’s odd. We had a couple of nannies and neither behaved like that. You need to be insistent in such circumstances.

This is a really interesting take and you're probably right except the job we're talking about here involves an actual human child and it's parent. If the nanny takes the parent/child bond as a criticism then she needs to find different work.

I have worked for many, many WFH parents and the key to a healthy environment for the child is not the parent staying away, it's the nanny remembering who the parent is. A child can have two parents who pop in and out of rooms and go about their daily chores without acting up everytime one of them appears. Being able to give a quick cuddle while you make a cup of tea then go back to what you were doing should be normal. There's no reason this shouldn't be the case with a nanny.

I guess the question is OP, did your child get settled??

if it did then you weren’t needed, I’m wondering this is what is bringing up feeling for you (which would be completely natural)

I like the suggestion above, it seems fitting to say “can we talk about what happened the other day”

be open to hearing how each others action affected you and come up with a plan going forward

I’m wondering if she was cross with you and that’s why she didn’t look at you

I would book in a review with her and go through any concerns you have. It’s your choice of how to run things but it’s her choice wether to accept it.

you resent her you resent her bond with your daughter and you said several times that you just want to do without her. You're not doing her a favour employing her, and she's not gonna be happy given your attitude.

Nanny here….I no longer take jobs where parents work from home/are home a lot because it makes my job 10x harder.

I will be direct and open about this to new parents when meeting them.

Children behave completely different when their parents are in the house in a negative way and if you’re trying to butt in and take control of a situation it is confusing the child and telling them you’re in charge and the nanny isn’t therefore leading to them not wanting to listen to the nanny or running to the parent every two minutes because they know their word over rules the nanny.

@DaisyChain505 thanks for this. How do you feel about the fact that you might unintentionally make your employer feel unwelcome in their own home or your employer feeling nervous to come and see their toddler after not having seen them all day? How do you feel about the fact that your employer may increasingly look forward to your home time so that they can feel at home? I work but not as a nanny. I know that to get ahead I need to be liked and people need to enjoy my company. Surely by making it so clear you don’t want the parents around, you’re less likely to be wanted around?

@DaisyChain505 this was my nanny’s view. It makes employers like me feel like the nanny is the boss with an air of arrogance (I am a childcare expert and I’m working and you mother need to butt out) but some employers don’t like that. So is the idea that you’re willing to P off your employer if they don’t like it so long as you get to have your perfect work environment? We can’t design our own perfect jobs. I would love to work from home more but I can’t. I would love less responsibility at work but I can’t get rid of so much responsibility. Etc

I would like a more collaborative relationship with a nanny. I don’t think it’s too much to ask

Thanks for the updates, OP. What's has been the outcome? Did you have strong words with Nanny, or even sack her?

Increasingly Nannies are finding it harder to find work because people work from home more. Surely nice employers who work from home and are still willing to spend a substantial portion of their salary on a nanny are harder to find these days. Making us feel a bit rubbish in our own house isn’t great

@gmgnts thanks, we had a chat and cleared the air but I’m having a. Think about what next. There are a number of instructions not being followed but lots of good work being done too. I will try to make it work