Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

Finally, thank you! Why is everyone pretending she wouldn’t get benefits if her ex was paying?! Literally no one actually believes that do they?

I don’t think she’s “lucky”. Growing up without a dad is crap and £50k is a drop in the ocean compared to a lifetime of neglect. I don’t think you’re lucky either but it is essentially the same- it’s free money in the sense that you have both received money you haven’t worked for. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes but you’ve chosen to have 3 children that you can spend it on , whereas she’s not chosen to have children so can spend it on herself.

its not inheritance it’s a gift. Anyone who is gifted £50k is lucky.

I can see why that would upset you. You seem nice and I’m sure your friend is too so try to not take the worst out of what she said. Moneys always a tough subject when friends are in different positions. I have a friend in a tougher situation than me and I’m sure I’ve said daft things too once in while. I always try to stay clear of talking about money for that reason. I hope you work it out x

I think the point people are making is that they want an overhaul of the benefits system in regards to this. At the moment, child maintenance isn’t counted as income because it is so unreliable and might not be paid… because our government allows that. The child maintenance service is no fit for purpose, they refuse to use the many many powers they have to force payment and instead they just write off the debt, our MPs won’t address this or change it because it would lose a lot of male votes (not just men being made to pay but lots of other men because of misogyny).

Child maintenance should be treated like a tax and be unavoidable with swift and consistent punishment when it isn’t paid. Investigates should actually be carried out into all those who claim to have no income but live a very expensive lifestyle. It should be made so much more impossible to avoid paying and then, once that system is sorted, it could be counted as income for the receiving parent and reduce benefits and the burden on the taxpayer.

Yes. Anyone who receives free money is lucky. Whether a gift, inheritance or a monthly contribution from their government.

Nope.

I would hope no one believes that.

As in thd OPs case, when dad isn’t paying or paying very little and (if you’re lucky) playing alternate WEEKEND DISNEY DAD (complete with superhero cape) mums are often left in the unenviable position of struggling to afford childcare to be able to work full time.

As a net contributor - I begrudge not one penny to help her afford to live because of Crap Dad.

Have you never heard of tax and national insurance ? Because that’s how benefits are funded. And many benefit recipients, such as OP, also work, so may also be tax payers. They’re not ‘free’.

Your friend is lucky to have received a generous gift.

You are unlucky that your ex does not support his children, therefore meaning you have to use benefits to fund necessities, rather than being able to use them to have a better lifestyle.

Finally some common sense.

Well it’s certainly better than growing up without a dad and not getting £50k.

I’m not disputing that, but the OP wasn’t wrong for calling her friend lucky. She is. She’s had £50k handed to her on a plate.

It's understandable that you have some envy of your friend's situation as well as being genuinely happy for her. My guess is that she responded to your envy by pointing out that you haven't earned all of your own income.
There's a degree of envy in many close relationships and she may be wishing she had children of her own.
Such a shame if this comes between you.

Really not sure you can blame life circumstances or choices. What is the issue? Has she gloated about the 50k?

Also she might have wanted children but it never happened.

But the OP has been able to live comfortably, work part time and raise three children with “free money” whereas her friend has had to work full time and scrape a living on her own. It’s not a race to the bottom. Neither are fortunate but the concept is essentially the same.

Where has the OP said she’s living comfortably?

So you’re envious of her then?

And where is the evidence that the friend had had to ‘scrape’ a living?

Bit of a straw man there.

But you both chosen different paths in life. You chose to have three children and work part time. Would you have been able to buy a house to house all of you and get a mortgage with a £50k deposit and working part time? You’ve got three lovely children and in the enviable position of not having to work full time, unlike millions of other parents.

Benefits aren't free money and neither are they a gift from tax payers
What are they, then?

Both of you have received money that you haven't had to work for. You are offended by her equating the two funds as you feel you are entitled to your money - more so than she is to hers. Consider that her money came entirely willingly from the donating source. Yours did not. So it's likely she was offended by your comment too.

They were originally intended as a safety net. You pay into the system via tax and national insurance and take out if/when you need to.

Even though it's free money in both cases, there's a big difference between getting benefits to make ends meet and getting a lump sum for a house deposit.