Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

But everyone’s family dies. It’s better to receive an inheritance when they die than not to.

That's rather the point though. Plenty of people do have £50k handed to them on a plate. Whether or not they can spend it as they might prefer is really irrelevant. Benefits and inheritances are both free money.

Fuck me the way benefit recipients are seen on mumsnet is just unreal. And blaming OP for her "choice" to have three kids with a shit absent dad! Unbelievable.

I stand by my earlier statement.
MN has become an utter cess pit.

Bring back the Vipers

Working part time and claiming benefits for 3 kids is going to mount up to more than £50K by the time it’s all said and done. So, calling her lucky for getting that when you’ll be getting more was a bit off.

You’ve chosen very different lifestyles so you’re going to have different outlooks and potential futures, and different options during your lifetime. Some people get money from family, some people qualify for benefits, some people get no help at all. Commenting on it is just sort of seen as rude. You’re unhappy at her comments on your benefits. She is unhappy about your comments on her inheritance. Do you see? It’s the same thing. It was rude to comment, and there might have been an undertone of jealousy from you. She also may feel like she can’t discuss her life with you due to the vast difference in your circumstances now that you have started commenting on it when it was probably easier to have the friendship if personal opinions like that were kept out of it.

Benefits are not ‘free’ they are often means tested and there’s a savings limit to all of them (except DLA/PIP)

Because the absent dad isn't the one posting on here. And he's not the one insulting his friend and getting arsey about it when they snap back. Allowing non-resident parents to get away with not paying child support is a massive problem. I would support the introduction of much tougher sanctions, even prison time, because it is ultimately child neglect. But that is not what the OPs post was about and nor the posts I was responding to.

I absolutely would not support children being shoved into deep poverty. I happily pay my taxes and think we all have a fundamental duty to provide for those more vulnerable. However, that doesn't mean I think the benefits system works as it is. It encourages parents to work very little when it's work that should pay. It also does not adequately support childless single people if they fall on hard times. I would much prefer we focused on reducing housing costs for all instead of covering up the crap wages employers pay by giving many people more in benefits than they pay in tax.

They’re still free. It’s literally a handout from the government.

I think they should exist, we need them. No
problem with benefits. They should often be higher for certain a circumstances! But… it is free money.

I feel differently. People should not live forever and they should give when they can. Not after they die.

The bigger question here is why so many men don’t take responsibility for their DC. They leave the state to pay benefits for them. I’ve always wondered if women can see through these men earlier but don’t believe they are capable of desertion. Anyway getting money you haven’t earned is still getting money even if what it’s spent on is different.

Well me and my husband both work full time but can’t afford to have a 3rd child. Therefore, we have made a choice not to have one.

If I pay £10 in tax, and get £20 back, that is in effect free money.
I'm glad we live in a society with this safety net. But there is no need to feel so offended by mathematical facts. It isn't a judgement, but it should be acknowledged.
Very few of us are net contributors.

It isn’t.

VAT?
Council tax
National insurance contributions
PAYE

All ways that people are taxed - no one escapes.

" I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way."

Is that a shitty, snidey comment in your view? It sems a perfectly innocuous one to me.

Don’t people realise that poorer people suffer bereavement too? I hate comments like this-nokme is saying you’re lucky to lose your parents but that you’re lucky that your parents left you something to make life easier. Bereavement is universal but I hope that I’ll be lucky enough to leave my children something.

Wait until you see what pensioners get!

I think the problem is not necessarily that people think the op shouldn’t be receiving the benefits but her attitude towards and that she thinks she is more deserving than her friend.

Which the friend is also paying

Also free money for many of then. Again, not a judgemt. Just numbers.

Only if they’re net tax contributors.

I’m not offended.

im suck to death of the narrative on mn - particularly around single mothers and whining about paying gif people’s children, and people less able.

Im also currently a net contributor - and that could change in a heartbeat. so car accident. One illness. One stroke.

And suddenly, I’m relying on ‘free handouts’ Just like many posting on here ready to tear people down who dare to claim benefits.

People on here truly disgust me these days.

Ah, you think the OP is paying more in tax than she receives into her bank account as cash payments from the government?

She doesn’t. She is a net loss for the country due to the actual free money being given to her. Many many people are. That’s what benefits are.

Lots of single parents work full time . You don’t have to work part time and receive UC. That’s your choice presumably. You are both receiving something for nothing and relying on someone other than yourself to get by in life (in her case it’s her dads money and in your case it’s benefits) If i was her I’d have been a bit offended too depending on how you said it

The absent father didn’t die.

Hopefully he doesn’t in the next 7 years either.

My parents gave me £40,000 to buy my first house. If anyone had said "you're lucky to have their support" I'd have said "yes, I certainly am." I think a lot of people did say things like that, but I don't remember it that clearly as I'd have thought nothing of it. Of course I was lucky to have it.

I don't see how anyone is interpreting that as an offensive remark?

Mind you I don't see the friend's response as particularly offensive either. She's saying benefits are like given money by parents. I don't agree with that, but as she obviously sees getting money from parents as perfectly ok, how is it an insult? The interpretation would be she thinks benefits are fine also.

No, I do not think that. But well done for the assumption.

She’s doing her best with what she’s got..anx as a net contributor who once had to rely on benefits because of shitty men a begrudge her abc her children not one single penny

Snc it’s a short sighted society that does.