Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

But that’s not how it works in practice, is it? There’s no requirement to have worked at all to be eligible to claim?

Do you understand that the PAYE system isn’t the only method of radiation in this country?

That’s a you issue not her issue.

Im just going to leave this here:

Straight from the ONS - the poorest 10% of households in this country pay 48% of their household income in tax.

The top 1% richest households pay around 39% of their income in tax.

Stop bloody begrudging people qualifying for benefits (and also realise that the largest population claiming ‘free money’ are pensioners, the majority of which aren’t the ‘poor pensioners’ depicted - and are doing quite nicely on the Ponzi scheme they voted for.

Sounds like she took your well-meaning statement the wrong way, though your post suggests you may have come across a bit passive aggressive because you actually were, you just didn’t realise how you felt. Your use of the money doesn’t negate the fact you’re both getting money for free. It sounds like you’re jealous she’s getting a bigger hand out than you are. I don’t think that jealousy would be unusual, but I don’t think it’s healthy, either.

Yes, I do think it could be said in a shitty way.
Friend is excitedly talking about her house purchase and plans for her new home. OP “well yeah, lucky you got handed £50k on a plate!” Absolutely unnecessary thing to say. If the op truly meant it in a kind way she should apologise for how it came across and explain what she meant. Because it comes across as jealous and begrudging.

Massive difference between receiving an inheritance following the death of a loved one, and a monetary gift. I came on here to say you should never envy anyone for the first. I can see why you may envy her for her gift.

Single parents working full time are more often than not getting up to 85% of their childcare paid for by the taxpayer and often at a much higher cost than the parent working part time and getting uc as a top up, especially those with small children.

This is just another smug benefits bashing thread. As usual it only takes a few judgmental comments and the rest pile on like demented brainless sheep, patting themselves on the back for repeating the same tired drivel the as the previous 10 posters.

It is really sad and depressing to see how many people on here lack empathy and blame a person for being impoverished.

Am I the only one just wishing someone would give me some money?
I don’t actually mind if it’s a family member or the government; any donations gracefully received. 😁

100% this. The gift from the taxpayer (you’re welcome 😉) allows you to only work part time which isn’t enough to support yourself and your offspring. You choose to raise your children with your tax funded gift. She’s chosen to renovate her house with her father funded gift.

Sorry, what does that mean?

I highly doubt OP chose to raise her children with a 'tax funded gift'. It's not her fault her ex won't pay for his own children. He is the real recipient of the 'gift', swanning off without having to put his hand in his pocket.

Even if OP is working part time she might still be paying income tax and National Insurance depending on how much she earns, and anything she buys with VAT on it, so it's not necessarily 'free'. I presume OP also had three kids with her ex BEFORE he buggered off and refused to pay for them, and can only work part time (as many mothers do) in order to fit around childcare and school etc.

I don't believe those numbers.

The only tax that the poorest households would pay is VAT. That's a maximum of 20% and wouldn't be paid at that rate on the majority of their spending - e.g. rent, food, energy bills, etc.

Additionally, the poorest 10% will have an income that's 100% provided to them for free by the taxpayer. Anything they pay in taxes, such as VAT, is actually being paid from their benefits income.

I don't see why you were offended.

If I were you I would have agreed that, yes, you do get money for free and that you too are fortunate.

You are both lucky to live in such a generous country, a country with safety nets for families in the form of Social Security, with NHS, and with tax systems that don't make it difficult to gift or leave inheritance monies to children for house deposits etc.
You need to make contact with your friend. She was not deserving of being ghosted by you. She merely made an obvious observation.

I thought about this last night, then again this morning, and in short you’ve both had your lives made tougher by feckless fathers. Her dad and your ex. This is something that you can both be together in.
Maybe look for common ground here instead of falling out. Pin the blame squarely on useless men shirking their responsibilities, not each other doing the best you both can.

She didn't say “well yeah, lucky you got handed £50k on a plate!” though, did she. She said " I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way."

Of course it's possible to invent shitty things she might have said. However, if we are to believe anything she says, she didn't say them.

She would still get benefits if the ex paid for his children in maintenance. It has already been explained. She would just have more money but a big chunk of it still coming from the tax payer.

Also you admitted yourself that your friend has only just managed to buy after years of renting: rent which she’ll have been paying out of her own, earned income, not money provided for her. And as I said before, 50k doesn’t get anyone very far in the housing market in the U.K. She’s probably got a hefty mortgage which again, she’ll only have been able to secure through having a strong track record of full time employment. Mortgage lenders are very rigorous these days: there’s probably no way she’d have a hope in hell of buying if she only worked part time as you do.

you said it yourself, you’ve taken different paths in life. You made an unnecessary comment, and it sounds like she retaliated with her comment. But it’s not logical or reasonable for you to take offence. She’s being factual: you are being handed money you don’t earn, on an ongoing basis. Someone only working part time, with 3 children is presumably getting a pretty large chunk of their rent paid for them, plus any other money you receive in benefits each month. These are straightforward facts. It sounds like however much you protest that you’re thrilled for your friend, you actually feel resentful. The only person you should feel resentful toward is the man you had 3 children with who is letting the taxpayer fund them rather than being a decent parent.

@SapphireSeptember The usual work pattern to maximise benefits is 16 hours a week. I bet she’s not full time. Obviously no one works too much so they limit benefits! It’s one of the reasons why we have so many issues with the economy.

Well, that’s because you both made different life choices and your lives have turned out very differently.
She was just saying you both got/get money for ‘free’. If she’s a good friend, move on from it. And avoid talking about money in future, since it’s clearly a touchy subject for you.

Exactly. 16 hours is only slightly more than 2 days a week, it’s a bloody joke.

Agreed. From someone who didn’t get parental help or benefits, you are both being given money.

What alternative is there?