Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the equivalent or not.
the op has no right to make shitty, snidey comments to her friend. The friend hit back and OP didn’t like it. Keep your mouth shut in future and try not to be so jealous.

Why aren't you claiming money from your ex for child maintenance? Perhaps then you wouldn't need the "support" you get from the taxpayer.

Totally - you’re both the same!

I think you need to re-read the OP.

Her friend compared a £50,000 windfall from a former feckless father and the luck of not having a feckless partner, to a subsistence living trying to do one’s best with three children, a feckless father which the state will not force to do his part in raising said children, working part tinbecaue yhd state eong support single nuns to work full time, and basic benefits.

I think you’ve had a privileged nerve hit a little too hard.

I challenge you to go through the CMS and see where it gets you when ‘father’ (aka sperm doner) continues to hop about addresses, jobs, moves country or claims he’s self employed..

why are Mumsnetters so invested in revealing just how wet-behind-the-ears they are?

m what a sheltered life you must live.

It was a very thoughtless and quite ridiculous thing to say.

A £50,000 lump sum for a house deposit is a VERY different financial windfall then a monthly benefit 'top up' so you can literally make ends meet and feed your children and heat your house.

The OPs benefits allow her to work part-time. Part-time is a massive luxury that most people, especially those without children, cannot afford. The OP has the luxury of time.

I'm sure any stress caused by claiming UC is minimal compared to having to work full-time. I would much rather be able to cut my working hours in half and be topped up by the state but I don't have kids. There are plenty of single parents who work full-time. If the OP feels so hard done by then she can become one of them.

The idea that single parent families where the parent works PT and gets UC can only afford off-peak camping trips in Skegness is laughable. The OP could conceivably have a higher income each month than people who work full-time and earn just above the benefits threshold.

I think I would have been offended too. 50k for a lifetime without a father isn't support. And in purchasing a home it's not even a massive dent it's just helped a bit. If it were me I'd be messaging to say I'm so sorry I just realised how that sounds and I didn't mean that way.

the comment to benefits was a knee jerk response to what you said

The thiught that the two situations are in some way equivalent. I don't think claiming UC because your situation makes it very hard or impossible to support yourself is "lucky". Being given £50,000 certainly is!

@spicemaiden The OP decided to have 3 children with a man that doesn't contribute to their upkeep.

I'm sure the CMS are shit, but it's not worth spending any money on enforcement if CMS doesn't impact benefits, is it?

That's would just be even more expense for the taxpayer and the only beneficiary would be the person that's already being supported by the state.

You are living in la la land.

I’ve been both sides of the fence.

Single motherhood having to claim benefits is utterly shit. Utterly. Shit.

I suggest you stop ready the Daily Fail headlines.

Sadly fathers are not held responsible. American has it right chasing down deadbeat fathers, removal of driving licence, imprisonment, it is not perfect but a good effort in comparison to Ireland and the UK.

You are wrong.
Her friend bit back after the OP implying she was lucky that her shit absent dad gave her £50k. To say she’s “lucky” she had help implies the friend had no part in the matter and didn’t earn what she had. She’s likely got a big mortgage to go with it, it’s rude and spiteful thing to say, and drips with jealousy.
as for me-I work part time in a moderately paid NHS job and live in rented social housing. No privilege and certainly no inheritance (and never will have one). Don’t begrudge my friends who have, though.

And yhd OP didn’t…re-read her OP.

And OP’s wealth shif absent dad gave nothing. So, yea, the ‘friend’ IS lucky her shit absent dad decided to throw her a bone. OP got no bone thrown.

Life is a bundle of luck.

friend should count herself lucky. Because she is.

Take that £50,000 windfall from the shit dad and recognise the vast majority of shit duds (no pun intended) do no such thing.

I don't read the Daily Mail. I have read many threads on here from single mothers claiming to be better off working part-time and claiming UC than if they worked full-time.

I also know that I cannot afford to work part-time, despite the fact my living costs are much cheaper than the OPs because I don't have 3 kids. But then I don't get any state handouts.

Do you claim child benefit? State handouts.

NHS? State handouts

Pokice, Fire service, road maintenance, maintenance of local parks, bin collection? State handouts.

I could go on.

I think people are very lucky to be able to live in a country that financially supports them and their family. There are very few countries in the world where a single parent to 3 children would be able to work part-time and still be able to rent a house, put food on the table, clothes on backs etc.

It's also lucky to have a well off relative hand over 50k.

What do you mean how they have got round that, the dad isnt dead. It’s only an issue and needs to be declared if he’s died in which case it’s added to the total estate for determining the inheritance tax due.

Buy dairy? The price you’re paying is heavily subsidised by state handouts to farmers.

and on and on and on.

The OP didn’t ‘choose’ to have children on her own….why aren’t you asking him to fork out for his children?

Because THAT is the problem - the system allowing fathers to just get away with being absent.

Im sure you’d rather see children shoved into deep poverty instead..which is incredibly shortsighted if you gave a moments though to the quarter century life chances of having had suck a childhood and the future cost to the state. Prison and mental health units are very costly. And that’s the top of the iceberg.

There’s a big difference between getting an inheritance of 50000 to receiving top up benefits each month to survive! Typical mumsnet hating on any benefits recipient though 🙄

It's trendy atm to be down on anyone, at any time, using benefits for any reason. As such, lots of the replies here will be snarky and purposefully miss the point.

The situations are, of course, completely different. Your friend was being tactless at best, and rude and stroppy at worst, saying what she did. Maybe she feels a bit awkward about her windfall, for whatever reason? Or maybe she's like a lot of people atm, who think that people receiving benefits, need reminding how they are GETTING MONEY FOR DOING NOTHING, at every possible opportunity 🙄. Hopefully it's the former x

No children so no child benefits. I have private medical insurance.
I'm also a net contributor which means I pay more in direct and indirect taxes than I receive in benefits and benefits-in-kind (which includes nhs, travel subsidies, education etc).

I recognise I'm both lucky and unlucky to be in this position. Lucky because I earn enough to support myself and some people can't through no fault of their own. But also unlucky, infertility is no joke. So it does annoy me when various posters claim that there is no luxury to being able to work part-time and get topped up by the state, receiving more income than the childless on full time minimum wage and having a higher standard of living. One poster even described the OPs situation as subsistence living!

Because she is lucky to have her fathers support. Not many people get that or £50k handed to them on a plate.

A thoughtless remark but when the day comes for her to receive her inheritance, I can tell you now that she'd likely swap the whole lot for one more day. If you were lined up to receive one yourself, you'd gladly give it all back too (unless you are estranged etc, obvs.).