Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

@theusualdrama For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me. so what is really bothering you is the BIG GREEN EYED MONSTER!!! you get your money for nothing and she got her money for nothing. your money is not earned any more than hers is!! you are on a hiding to nothing by posting this OP!! get the kids father to step up and stop bleating about your circumstances! three kids when you couldnt afford them???

Equally, maybe it bothers her friend because she would like children and cant have them, or maybe she cant afford them/hasnt found a partner to have them with. You can spend your entire life looking at what other people have and feeling "bothered" by it but what good is that going to do other than cause you to lose friends because of it and end up alone?

We can all find someone in our lives who we feel has it "easier" at one moment in time but it doesnt mean life will always be that way. If you view friendships as the suffering olympics where "luck" must be fair to everyone then you wont have any friends left once enough time has passed. Fine to feel what you feel, but there is no need to verbalise it out loud to your actual friends. Its not her friend's responsibility that OP cant buy a house, neither is it her fault.

I agree.
My words were just answering the other pp questioning why is she bothered.
I never said it was what I believed or thought.

@Noononoo I think you are a bit confused. It’s all about who is paying. Not the desirability of being with children. Many mums don’t work or work very little. However the father’s pay for them and dc. Here DC are seen as something that needs to be paid for largely by parents. When mums have the state paying because the father won’t, then it tips over into being unreasonable. The ones who work and fully support their dc feel undermined and under valued. With high taxation it’s a feeling that won’t go away.

You do understand that there are plenty of single parents out there working even full time who still qualify for financial support, right? Such is the situation with low pay and high housing costs.

How do you know the children were out of the OPs affordability when she was married?

or should she have a Time Machine?

How do you know she hasn’t tried her damndest to get dad to cough up?

Are people really this naïvet to not know how child support works? If he won’t pay then theres frequently NOT MUCH THAT CAN BE DONE because the child maintenance service is less than useless.

And even when men do cough up it’s woefully inadequate.

Get yourself some education

The whole thread is full of shortsighted ideals.

Im sure most of them would vote for workhouses if they could.

@Noononoo

Maybe some people are saying money for nothing. I think many of us are not slating OP for being on benefits many of us are really happy that this country provides benefits for those in need and wouldn't want to change that.

But we're also trying to understand and direct why her friend might have said what they said. Of course we can't really because we weren't there.

But suggesting that friend may see it, that her gift from her father wasn't a direct result of her going to work, and OP's benefit provision comes from taxation and not as a result of employment.

Saying this isn't denigrating benefits or suggesting any disparaging about OP, rather suggesting how that equivalence might be drawn.

Now we could say that OP has a greater need, is more deserving of extra financial help because of her circumstances, anyone is free to do something. I don't like to do it because these things are always inevitably nuanced and difficult.

Well she’s not saved for anything before DC by the sounds of it. Three DC are a commitment.

Workhouses were paid for by the state too. We obviously will support families with no reasonable income but the thread wasn’t about that. It’s about the source of unearned income.

So let me get this straight. Women should presume that their husbands will just fuck off and so they should make sure they have several thousands of pounds of savings before they have children with their husband?

Have I gif that right?

Surely your benefits open the door for a better life for you and your children? As in, you're living a life where your children's basic needs are being met, specifically because of handouts. That's the better life you have, better than the one you would have without them.

You and your friend are the same, you've both received "free" money to enable you each to live a better life than you would have without it. The scale is different and the outcomes are different, but her original point that you are both where you are because you received financial help from others is valid.

I suspect that some people on benefits ( not ALL people I hasten to add) know very well where the benefits come from but they don’t care.

@spicemaiden Not in your crude terms, but yes. Who wants to rely wholly on a man? Have we learnt nothing? I think many people do save before they have DC and work out finances if the worst happens. I don’t know anyone who didn’t. When I had dc or now my DDs are looking at their finances. When you decide to have three, I think women always need to consider who they are having them with - sadly.

Not sure you do get where people are coming from. You get given money, she got given money. Just because you have different needs, doesn't make the money any different. If anything, yours is coming from strangers who in turn have less for themselves, in a round-about way. Your free money opens doors and gives you a better life because with it you're able to pay rent and support your child without pursuing the father, or working more. You just view yours as more a need, when actually it could be viewed largely as a lifestyle choice. If you want different options, make different choices.

You think a £50,0000 lump sum on top of full time wages is the same as scraping by on part time plus top up benefits and having to live in insecure housing with little prospect of being able to save enough for a big deposit (like 500000) to save for a house?

OPs friend is bloody lucky.

She is unreasonable. She should have just agreed that she was lucky to receive the money. Because she is lucky. Totally different to benefits and she just used that to shame you.

I have to ask…..

Why do you think men shouldn’t equally save in case mum fucks off?

And

Have you ever been ij the position of being a single parent?

im not even remotely suggesting relying on the sperm doner, but then you equally need alto accept society had set itself up in a way that makes it ridiculously difficult to NOT rely on the sperm doner because society lets them fuck off.

frankly I think women should tell society to fuck off - an entire generation refusing to have kids at all bdcause men a never ever bloody held to account.

And please, don’t put the onus on women for lying cheating sperm doners.

My ex-husband is a pillar of the community. He’s got everyone fooled, he fooled me. His your regular American hero - except behind closed doors, and that delightful aspect of the psycho didn’t erupt until I was trapped.

Men do what they can get away with - it’s about time the law stopped it.

@spicemaiden Who said men shouldn’t save? It’s rarely a woman leaves DC with the man though. It’s nearly always the other way round and if they don’t get married women are always shafted financially because they have DC. It’s about time women woke up and earned some money first and saved a bit.

Money from parents isn't free. I think that children have to pinch and scrape while there is a mortgage to pay, just as parents do. It can be very hard to go without to put and keep a roof over your head and food in the belly.

Scraping together the deposit, and keeping up with the mortgage payments affects the whole family. How can it be 'free money'?

As the home increases in value, the children should have part of that, yet so often there is IHT to pay, and criticisms of people who own their own house.

Some people prefer to spend their money on all sorts of things and hope they can pay the rent over the years. Is that responsibility?

The children may have the latest technology and fancy holidays, but what do they have to look forward to? More benefits? Even that is not entirely 'free money', unless the recipient hasn't been able to work.

Does it all depend on the work ethic your parents instilled into you?

OP chooses to work p/t and to allow the father to get away without paying for his child. £50k is a huge amount, but let's face it, if OP is on £1k in benefits per month that's only a couple of years and she has been given the best part of £50k. Neither has had to work for the money.

How does she ‘allow’ it??

Yet again another stunning example of women blaming other women for men’s behaviour.

And clearly your maths needs some work.

Not to mention the difference between a 50000 lump sum in one go on top of a full time wage that isn't needed just for daily necessities compared to £10000 top up to pay the rent/ buy food/pay utility bills.

@llizzie You only pay IHT after the second person dies. You can give to dc 7 years before that with no IHT. So you can downsize and gift.

What’s wrong with the maths?
Op will have been given £50k in a little over four years, from the tax payers coffers.
Presumably her total bill to the tax payer will be considerably more than that, since she appears happy to continue working less than half a week for the foreseeable.