Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

He’s not paying for his children. That’s all we need to know, really.

It might, it mightn't. It was just a general observation (of topic I know, sorry).

I got UC when I was working full time, so...

They’re both unearned income. That’s a similarity. There are also differences.

I think maybe you should have said something like ‘you deserve that money after all the years you haven’t had him in your like and I’m so glad for you’ you could still call her and say this. It would be a shame for you both to feel hurt over something that you both see a s a good
thing but just said in the wrong way. I hope you resolve this as good friends are hard to come by

The money you have had has provided a different life? I don't see the difference?

I get it in a way. One of my childhood friends had five children, subsequently her and her late husband were given a council house on a life time tenancy and they claimed benefits whilst both retraining.
I bought a house with help from my parents and claimed benefits for a short period of time after first becoming a single parent.
Now were both working full time and neither of us claim benefits. I'm paying the mortgage and bills for my children, and she's paying her rent and bills for her children.

She’s correct. You have both done nothing to earn the money you are receiving.

Why am I and other taxpayers paying for your kids when their father(s) contribute nothing!

Agree with majority of comments..

Both “free” money. If I was being super honest at least her free money will have likely been taxed and added to the economy already, rather than at tax payer expense…

That said if the father(s) are still alive/able to work, the root cause of you requiring benefits, is not necessarily your fault, but the fact the father(s) should be pulling their finger out of their xxx.

Sure some people on MN have a real problem with benefits.

But I don't think it's wrong to say both of them are objectively 'lucky". I have many friends from overseas and in their country state support rarely exists to the extent it does here. In most of Asia/Africa you work full time or you don't have food. Admittedly this is made easier by a more communal culture so you neighbour who is retired will likely pick up your kids from school and watch them until you get home.

But in terms of monetary support, nothing. My husband's family couldn't work during COVID and the state gave them the equivalent of £50 for the 1 and a half year lockdown, if we hadn't sent them money who knows what they would have done.

I think its wonderful that in the UK we have governmental safety nets for those who need them (my mother raised three kids on benefits, my dad left when my twin sister and I were two, elder brother 5) and for several years my mother survived on benefits) but she was aware of how lucky she was, that she lived in a country where she was given the help she needed in the circumstances she was in, yes it was hard for her, she would have loved to take us on holiday, and many other things.

But she was aware if we had been th family we were when her mother was young, it would have been so much worse!

You choose to have 3 children!
and the rest of us are paying our taxes
so you get to that ,
actually I’m so over the benefit system, I’ve worked since I was 16 near retirement now and still working, I understand why people around you find it difficult .

She gets free money YOU get free money. Don't really see the difference. Other than our taxes supply your money and her dad has supplied her with cash.

@theusualdrama

I think this is a.clasic.case.of talking about money. I don't think there is a country in the world, where talking about money doesn't make people feel awkward.

It really does sound like a conversation of crossed wires, where you've both said things that were intended to be kind and have been received in a way other than intended.

I think it these situations I would always want to think the best of my friend, because I know there are so often situations where I am unintentionally thoughtless and I would want my friends to think the beat of me.

Maybe send her a text and say something I know that conversation was awkward but we've been friends for a long time, let's put it behind us and assume we both had a rubbish day!

I agree with your friends viewpoint, sorry OP.

Because benefits are a safety net if the father doesn't step up?

YOU get my tax money to make sure your children are better off in life, I don’t actually disagree with that at all. I’m glad we have a system that helps children whose parents are providing in full, for whatever reason.
But it seems your looking at friend with a bit of a sneer over her ‘easier’ life…

Aren’t proving for their kids I mean.

Because benefits are a safety net if the father doesn't step up?

Read that again! Why ‘if’ there should be no ‘if’ they made the children they should contribute.

The only difference here is friend has luxury money and OP doesn’t.

You’ve been friends for 15 years - ring her

Imagine that your good friend may have been jealous of your top ups, ability to work part-time, while she works full-time for probably the same amount.

Finally she has a break, you decide that you are outwardly jealous of her luck. Terrible behaviour from a friend.

You need to acknowledge your luck too.

This "I pay for your benefits" is just boring.

The seeds of resentment are very slow to start.

Don't let them speed up in growth.

Will you all choosing to have a free money off the state rather than work for it? I don’t quite understand what you’re upset about in order for you to work part time. Many others have to work full-time.

3 kids on PT hours is a bit of a luxury IMHO. I work FT to pay for 2 kids, without any benefits of any kind, which is okay but I’m not sure I want to hear from someone on UC complaining that they can’t afford a house.
We all make our choices. Without kids, I’d be pretty well off. Your friend has only herself to worry about. You decided to have 3 children so your circumstances differ again.
Perhaps when your kids are older you can move to FT, get off benefits and have a different lifestyle.

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

The state gets its money from taxation that either we or business pays. Then it borrows and our DC will pay. Obviously benefits were introduced to tide people over and now they are an expected gift every month for years. The OPs friend has had help but one assumes it’s an early inheritance.

I’m with the poster who thinks talking about money will be a disaster. What will the op do if she’s invited to this woman’s house? Not go? Lives vary. People move into different circles. Maybe the friendship has run its course?

My immediate question is why is he not paying?