Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

I’m astonished at all these people who think getting a benefit is comparable to getting a large cash gift from a relative. And those who say ‘after all you chose to have children’ (presumably that was when you were in a relationship with your ex so therefore in a different position financially). It’s not. It’s a very different experience and people are not ‘lucky’ to get a benefit except in the sense that they are lucky enough to live in a decent society that recognises that looking after individuals and families who are not able for whatever reasons to earn enough/ support themselves is the right thing to do. Getting an advance on inheritance IS lucky! But I’m guessing friend felt a bit awkward about this and that fuelled her thoughtless response. Still - be shame to let that damage an otherwise good relationship.

@NavyBee From the point of view that neither are earned by the recipient. Benefits are a gift from society but are not earned. Neither is a gift from a parent.

My reading of it is you are jealous it eeks out of your post. Not just the money she was gifted but the fact she is single and child free.

I didn’t have a child until I was 40. Used birth control. It does work if you choose to take control of your fertility. And in that before time I graduated worked bought a house etc.

I was also raised in a single family household. In poverty. I knew I did not want to repeat.

You made your life choices. As did your friend.

I think she mistook your remark about how lucky she was as you being jealous of her and flashed back a remark quickly in defence. It all depends on the tone you used and facial expression. Also she might have suddenly felt a bit guilty and embarrassed about telling you and feeling that she might appear boastful, so defensively said it was the same thing as your benefit money. Frankly I feel that you are envious or even jealous. @2021x Big shame to fall out about this. Try to mend the friendship in whatever way you can. Offer to help paint or garden. Stop feeling envious as it will show through.

You were rude.

She is right - both been given money for nothing.

You seem annoyed like you think it's unfair, but they are ultoue choices and she just made a point back.

I didn't realise women get pregnant by themselves. Maybe we give the OP a bit of slack and lay the blame more at the absent dad?

She is upset because her friend is saying ‘My inheritance is free money, just like your benefits.’

Op do you not understand 50k is nothing when it comes to buying a house! It will be swallowed up in no time. Whereas your free money will continue! Instead, how about you tot up how much free money you recieved over the years and see if that’s any less than 50k. I bet it’s actually more.

@NavyBee

But we are lucky to live in this country, many countri a that don't offer benefits, don't because they as countries do not have th GDP to do so. Is it wrong to suggest that we should all be thankful that we live here benefits or not. (I grew up in a house that relied on benefits and I am so thankful and recognise how lucky we were to be provided for).

I think the issue is probably more of a situation where two people talk about money and get embarrassed and awkward and therefore says things without thinking.

I think you're right about friend being flustered. I genuinely believe there are few topics in life that are more awkward to talk about than money. Maybe OP's friend was being harsh... Maybe she was flustered and said something she didn't mean and feels to awkward to follow up, how many of us can say that's never been true of us, I know I can't

Yes, no harm for the OP to add up how much she's receiving in benefits each year and for how many years. I'd say the friend's gift of £50k is nothing in comparison.

I agree with most other posters. You had three children that you cannot support without being given free money from tax payers. I do wonder why you find it more acceptable to take handouts than pursue the childrens father to support them. Just saying he doesn't help financially doesn't cut it. Your last comment sounded like you were very jealous despite claiming you aren't. The fact you may never own your own home is not her fault. She may have got free money but it wasn't taxpayers money.

How many on benefit realise that they are saddling their DC with the interests through generations?

İ think deep down you are envious. I have been told by friends who don't have a lot of money that I am 'lucky' to have inherited money when my parents died. I would rather they had said they were happy I had a safety net. I do think that's what she picked up on, that you were jealous. And I think you know you are.

It's hardly 'lucky' for someone to receive benefits. It means that that person is experiencing hard times. The friend receiving money from her father does seem to be in an easier position financially with her windfall. Can't understand all the negative comments about them both receiving 'free' money. One is in greater need than the other and is not in a position to buy a house. That doesn't mean that she's jealous.

@llizzie I don’t think many people think about how others are going to pay for their benefits at all and that’s also why we have generations expecting benefits. They don’t end up paying for them. Obviously some will but we have had an explosion of benefit recipients, all of whom are entitled to it for decades. We don’t pursue men sufficiently to meet their obligations and expect the state to do it instead. We do need more accountability.

It bothers the OP because the life choices that have happened means she doesn't have the opportunity to be able to buy a property being a single mum and working part time whereas her friends dad has come on the scene, chucked guilt money at her and now she's able to do what the OP can't see herself doing (currently, we don't know what the future will hold).

UC isn't free money. OP pays tax and probably worked full time pre children so it's not quite free imo

It is obvious what you meant, OP. It’s picky posters playing at being pedantic. I wouldn’t have bothered replying to them.

But you could equally look at it from the perspective that OP is lucky to have sufficient benefits available to her, that have allowed her to have the opportunity to leave her ex and bring up her children by herself. There are plenty of women stuck in relationships that they can't leave for financial reasons. Those women are probably envious of OP.

This thread is proof that many don't think at all about where benefits come from. As though it's magic money.

This thread is proof that many don’t realise that pensions are also benefits that are being paid for by the current tax payers.

Yes. Those are the same people that think benefits come from the magic money tree. The rest of us are aware pensions are (barely, unsustainably) funded by current tax payers and that most people are net recipients.

Women are stuck because benefits, housing (and leaving safely), childcare and flexible working and the completely useless child maintenance system are all dire.

Oh absolutely.
I was just explaining to @Mrsttcno1 why OP was bothered by it

Maybe your friend really wants children but hasn’t been lucky enough to be in a situation to have any yet. Maybe she sees this money for a house as an investment for a future family to support them.
You still haven’t earned your money regardless what you spend it on and if she had children already she would have probably spent the £50k on her children.
Just because you have children and she doesn’t, it doesn’t make your money more worthy or give you the moral high ground

I can’t believe this. All these comments about ‘getting money for nothing’ Where are you coming from? Do you all think that women (wives) who have husbands and children and are full time housekeepers and carers of their children are getting money for nothing? Or is that OK? Is it because the state is paying?
The whole ideology that working for a pay packet outside the home, whilst paying for outsourcing child care and cleaning etc, is the right way to be? That women have no choice about this without being tarred with ‘getting money for free? I am really shocked. Childhood is a short period in life if women feel the need to be full time carers of their children of course they should be supported whether from their partner or the state. Everyone knows it is a difficult, vital job that is highly valued by society and deserves respect.
Of course a right wing state would prefer not to pay for it, they would prefer you gave money to them via a pay packet and your children not their responsibility, but all parties agree nowadays that costs everyone more in the long run. So the care and upbringing of children must be supported though it’s a very tough task when living hand to mouth and very self sacrificing so please let’s hear no more of this ‘getting money for nothing’ and give mothers more respect.