Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

This is wrong. The 16 hour thing no longer exists as UC goes by wages earned rather than hours worked. If you are going to benefits bash at least get your facts right.

This. You were unreasonable first.

And if you work less, you earn less….

@lolly792 Exactly. It suits people to get the benefits and reduce hours.

Maybe she would be able to work more if the father of her children stepped up and did some parenting?

Why are so many women having children with shitty men? I remember being 16, in love but I knew that the handsome cool man I dated wasn't marriage materiel so I enjoyed it while it lasted and protected myself ofcourse. Met DH when I was 23 and we had our first dc when I was 30. I was sure that he was a decent person so even if we were to go separate ways for whatever reason he would always be there for his child. For me that was the minimum requirement for having a child with someone. I can't understand how anyone can be so selfish as to not think about what kind of father the man you get pregnant with will turn out to be. Sure, you got all tragic things that can happen : illness, death etc but so many women are having babies with men that have no values in life and are then surprised that they don't metamorphise into perfect dads..

Which is why it is illogical to be offended by the comparison. If the friend is lucky, so is OP.

Poorly modelled parenting or relationship in the previous generation. More trauma in teenage tears and the normalisation of codependemcy.

There’s a big difference in being lucky to have £50k handed to you to buy a house and being lucky to live in a world where our government gives benefits that support people putting food on the table.

being lucky to live in a world where our government gives benefits that support people putting food on the table.
Actually the fact the government supports families in putting food on the table and offering discounted childcare, is lucky, very lucky, there are plenty of countries who offer very little help to citizens.

I think you are both as bad as each other here. She is fortunate, yes. It’s free money, you also get free money , But you could improve your own circumstances by working more and relying on benefits less , your friend works full time so maybe thinks that is unfair to?

But, it’s still free money, in that you don’t work for it.. I’d just forget it. She chose not to have children, you made different choices. 🤷‍♀️

Gosh, you must be so busy being perfect that you fail to pick up on your dearth of empathy. I realise this must be an upsetting concept, but has it ever occurred to you by that other people don't think and behave exactly as you do?

Sometimes people make decisions which they believe to be good decisions at the time, but they later turn out to be bad decisions. This usually happens because most people cannot predict the future. Sometimes people don't make good decisions because they don't know what a good decision looks like. This might happen if they have grown up without a blueprint of what healthy relationships look like, for example.

If you're still confused there are books that cover the concept in more detail, like this one for example https://www.whsmith.co.uk/Product/Cori-Bussolari/Empathy-Is-Your-Superpower--A-Book-About-Understanding-the-Feelings-of-Others/15497419?

A bit like those who put more in their pension so they can get the funded hours...or is it only bad if the low income people do it?

It’s all true, though, however little you like to hear it 🤷🏻‍♀️

You sound a bit jealous of your friend. Can't see what she has done wrong. Sorry.

Yes the 'free money' she has been given has elevated her life to a new level that you curently cannot attain, but your 'free money' has elevated your life by providing a roof over your kids heads, food on the table etc that is directly comparable. Her base line is higher because she works, so getting a sum of money elevates her life to a level beyond where yours is because you do not have that secondary source of funds (she has income + free money, you just have free money). Your lives are both impoved in a way beyond what you are able to provide through the support of others.

This is absolutely no judgement on either of your life choices or souces of income, but I can't see she's done anything wrong here, she's just made different choices in life so her resources (time available to work, time need to spend caring for others, income earned from that time) only have to provide capacity for the needs of one person not four.

Not really. Free money is free money. Different choices = Different opportunities. The comparison is only offensive if you are ashamed of the source of the money imo.

Reading through the plethora of comments on this thread (no idea why, but l was interested) the one thing that jumps out from so many of them is the thinly veiled dislike of people receiving benefits.
There are several castigating the OP for having 3 children and not stopping at one or two. Nowhere does it state in her post what her marital position once was, only that now she is a single parent, so she could have been 'respectfully married' and her husband left her. There are others saying she could choose to work full time, nowhere does it state what her children's ages are so maybe they're very young and full time would prove impossible for her. However the sentiment remains the same; she is in receipt of 'free money' which puts her in the same category as her friend. Personally, l find these comments as unpleasant as any jealousy the OP may have shown towards her friend.
My comment will prove unpopular and that's fine with me, but like it or not most people seem to harbour unspoken prejudice whether they care to admit it or not.

@Donetrying1 I think most comparisons have centred around neither person working for the money they have received. I think many do think single parents should be supported but it’s costing taxpayers to do this. It’s not unreasonable to think a father who pays nothing wasn’t a good bet in the first place. So we make choices and have to inhabit that bed. It’s good we do support single parents but it’s also better if they acknowledge others are paying. Just like the dad who chipped in for the deposit. Choices in life do matter.

Benefits are paid by the tax payer….. inheritance or lump sums like that will have been taxed to bits already.

Sometimes people make decisions which they believe to be good decisions at the time, but they later turn out to be bad decisions. This usually happens because most people cannot predict the future. Sometimes people don't make good decisions because they don't know what a good decision looks like. This might happen if they have grown up without a blueprint of what healthy relationships look like, for example

Yes, this is true, but then dont go around being jealous/bitter of people who have made sensible decisions - it's not their fault either is it? begrudging her friend a house has no bearing whatsoever on the situation of the OP. Her friend buying a house doesnt mean that she has taken her share of anything.

We all make mistakes/decisions we think are ok but turn out bad at times and that applies to all of us- but the point is- the responsibility for those decisions is still ours -regardless of why or how they happened.

@TheFatCatsWhiskers1 "Sometimes people make decisions which they believe to be good decisions at the time, but they later turn out to be bad decisions. This usually happens because most people cannot predict the future. Sometimes people don't make good decisions because they don't know what a good decision looks like."

That's my point though : I knew what a bad decision looked like "thanks" to my parents and I did not want to repeat it. I also said that shit can happen on the way so there is no foolproof decision. But if you choose to have a baby with someone who is smoking dope/being antisocial/involved in criminal activity or just a lazy fucker then don't be surprised he won't change just because you add a baby. I've got plenty of empathy for the children born to these "fathers"...

This may not be the case here unless you think it probably is because they claim benefits?

I don’t agree that people are showing “unspoken prejudice” or “ thinly veiled dislike towards benefit claimants”. People are openly critical of the current benefit system (or some aspects of it) and open about their views.
They also openly challenge back when someone considers themselves entitled to benefits without acknowledging that they are lucky to live in a country that allows them to claim state support.
Nothing unspoken or hidden here, the OP gets the support she and her children require and are entitled to. People just point out she could be grateful for it, considering it’s not earned money.