Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

I've got 2 child free weddings this year and I'm actually excited, we rarely go out on date nights due to childcare issues. I can understand you feel differently as it's your brother who is imposing it but can you and your DH not treat it as an excuse to have some fun and let your hair down for the day?

I am constantly amazed that weddings are the one party where everyone feels they can dictate the guest list to the host, who is usually paying a fuck ton of money to host the event.

I am pro child free weddings (personally). I am also pro weddings with children, if that’s what the bride and groom wants. It’s up to them isn’t it?

I do think saying it’s child free and then inviting other children is a dick move that causes bad feeling. Either don’t have kids or do. No halfway house.

However OP it isn’t your party, so either don’t go, or go and leave your kids with someone. Just don’t wail and sob and make a scene about it.

This is absolutely true, but when didn't become all aboutbrhe B&G and not the comfort, convenience, enjoyment of the guests?

It's got to a point where attending weddings is miserable for the guests. Why do B&Gs think it's an honour to be invited to something that's all about them, without any consideration for the guests?

Can’t stop crying? Over this. I mean this politely but pull yourself together.

I honestly don’t know why people get so bothered about kids not being at a wedding. I love my kids to bits but a child-free wedding sounds like loads of fun to me.

They've made it very clear that your family aren't an important part of their wedding day so if it were me we'd not be going.

All the people saying about the sil being the one forcing the issue too. Maybe the brother wants it childfree entirely and she’s forced him to have her two flower girls rather than her not wanting ops children.

Yes even though I voted YANBU I think you can’t bag roles…are you very close?

your DH reaction made me feel more yabu as you are thinking about what you want that day

I would however expect nieces and nephews at a childfree wedding as pp said they are diff from other guests children

It is all about the bride and groom. It’s their wedding.

If you don’t like that, don’t go. Nobody’s forcing you.

Aww op it's understandable how your feeling, yes it's OK to not invite children but your brothers already sorted two flower girls out, children, so you should be able to ask this question as it feels personal to you, but wait until your not so upset and have that conversation with him, not on txt or call try and arrange coffee or doe's he pop to see your parents, it's OK for him to know your upset, what he doe's about is another matter, you don't want to resent him moving forwards,

They are allowed to do what they want
You are allowed to be hurt and upset.

You can tell your brother your feelings without being dramatic. You can tell him you’re upset without being entitled.

Choices and consequences etc.

I didn't say emotional baggage, I said emotional blackmail a totally different concept. Read more carefully before you go off on one.

Well I can't be doing with that, either. It's not an honour to be invited to a wedding. Honestly, the whole thing is ridiculous. It's a wedding, it's very important for the people getting married but for everyone else it's just a party that they may or may not attend. Nobody is owed an invited, but equally nobody is obligated to attend.

Honestly, all this drama is why both my weddings (DH died 5 years ago and I'm getting remarried next year) have been casual "come if you want but no pressure, and we'll make sure you're well fed and watered" affairs in a pub! Just don't get all this pressure to make it the most special day of everyone's life. My wedding ceremony was incredibly meaningful and special to me and DH (and our parents, I imagine) but I wouldn't expect anyone else to care, and after that it's just a party, right?

I think Its quite clear why the SIL holds you all at arms length. Your mum keeps crying over it and your dad doesnt want to go?!

I don’t think you are entitled at all. Your brother really has messed up by not inviting his own nieces to his wedding. I don’t believe either of them thought it wouldn’t cause upset.

That’s fine for you. But this isn’t a child free wedding is it?

Others are going who are in the bridal party which again is often an accepted exception but not then invite your own nieces and nephews is quite mean

This x 100

It’s their choice but it’s not actually a child free wedding if they’ve got two other children being flower girls. Don’t cry about it, either go or don’t go.

They're 4 & 6. This isn't going to affect them at all. Unless they've been witness to all of the carry on🙄
Wailing together over the fact that they are not invited to a child free wedding is incredibly OTT. Why take it so personally?
Is this a pattern of behaviour OP? Perhaps it is the reason your DB hasn't been as forthcoming as you believed he should have been.
Either go or don't go but there really isn't any need to cause any drama in the hopes that you'll force them to invite your children.

remember all families are different. I would absolutely have made the same assumption in my family! But we are super close. I’d love to get married again just to see my gorgeous nephews and nieces all dressed up!

Is this not slightly over the top? Her family are invited, her kids are not. This is pretty common and doesn't suggest OP's family aren't an important part of the wedding day?

Their wedding their choice.

I would be on your side if any of your children were a newborn and breastfeeding etc. under 9 months.

Quite, and B&Gs love it when people decline....imagine they'll will be fine with OP and her family choosing not to attend, that won't cause any future family issues at all?

Why is it all about the B&G? They're hosting, it should be about their guests, just as any other party is.

Please don’t tell your DB and SIL that your children are upset, as hopefully you’ve made sure your children aren’t upset anyway! ie it’s the parents job to make sure that things are pitched to their kids to minimise any upset. So hopefully your kids are unaware of this drama. They’re young enough to be shielded from it.
IF you attend the wedding, like you said your children can be looked after by your husband‘s family for the day or at least for a few hours, and you should pitch this to your children as a fun day with their family – rather than making them feel they are missing out on something special. Weddings can be boring anyway!
Having said that, I do have sympathy for you as it must feel hurtful, & I feel your DB is being pretty rude and insensitive. Before doing anything dramatic (like saying you’re not going to attend) I would just ask your brother the one time just to check – but with no pressure – if there’s any way they could come along.

GutsyPeachExpert I expect your DB is like most young men .And has probably taken a back seat to his Fiancee and her mums planning ! Look ,most weddings seem to cause a few issues to say the least.I would say that if DF, you and DH decline, your DM will not want to go either, and miss her Sons wedding . This is the sort of thing that people fall out over .Is it a question of cost ? .I think maybe you and DM go for DB sake ,At the end of the day its a few hours in a lifetime .Save any unpleasantness, and DH/DF arrange a trip out together somewhere nice with the girls ? You and DM dry your eyes and make a plan ?

You've every right to be hurt OP