Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

The amount of upset and family rifts caused by childfree weddings is insane. I hope this trend is over soon. Personally, I’d love a return to the simple family weddings of the last century, such as the one my parents had in the 1970s.

It's quite common for couples to follow the tradition of having flower girls/page boys but that's where the line is drawn with children. They often don't even stay for much longer than the ceremony in my experience. I think it can be viewed separately to child guests if that makes sense.

Jad a brother who got married like this (divorced aswell) so nothing to add but I feel for you

I’ve only been to one child free wedding and it was cold as hell..I couldn’t put my finger on it then realised..their was no intergenerational fun being had that just makes you smile so much

BUT

i do have loads of friends with painful children who me I’d gladly skip having their

horses for courses!

but there is no (in the admittedly sparse info) indication that the SIL is running this show. Maybe brother doesn't want the nieces involved? maybe he, like many people still do, think that bridal party comes from bride's side and groom party comes from the groom's side?

This was my point @Brefugee. It’s not a SIL problem, it’s down to her brother. If he doesn’t want his nieces there for whatever reason then that’s his choice but I’d still be hurt. Especially when exceptions have been made for other children.

Flower girls are part of the bridal party, so typically from the brides side, unless you’re very close.

The couple actually getting married are planning the wedding they want, instead of the one you think they should have. You all need to calm yourselves down and accept it!

If you can’t stop with the selfish and entitled nonsense and be happy for them, you are best staying away from

You either go on the basis on which they've invited you, or you decline. Those are your only two options.

Yes, 'their wedding their choice' but there are consequences to every choice. Guests are as free to decline invitations as couples are to 'invite who they want'. If a fuss was kicked up because I'd said 'thanks but no thanks, have a nice day', then and only then would I confront them for being unreasonable.

Disclaimer: I'd be quite pleased with any reason not to have to attend another dull, identikit wedding.

Child free wedding - yes lovely! Will get plastered and dance the night away!

But this is family! And I’m assuming no big back story or that your DB and SIL haven’t seen your DC for 10 years or any of that side story stuff. But if you are a normal family, a normal person with normal feelings….I would be gutted and so would anyone! Especially when SIL little ones from her family are going…

My DB wedding where my DC aren’t invited? Get to Feck.

And yes I understand all families are different, and yes it is their day, and yes it’s an invite not a summons. But this is her Brother. I don’t care which way you slice it…this is hurtful.

Why can't she tell him the truth that she finds it hurtful? Why do you suggest lieing?

Agreed.

From the OP's decription of her feelings, her mother's actions, the mention of there not being a fanfare, both not being present etc etc to tell the mother I'm going to guess that the brother and SiL know his family all too well!

The bride chooses the flower girls, groom chooses page boys or whatever. Perhaps he would like some page girls?

Personally I’d be very hurt too in your situation. I don’t agree that Bridesmaids/flower girls generally just come from the brides side. Young children on both sides should be treated equally. How close are you to your brother, is this something you could approach him over?

We don’t know they are brides family, could be friends, but regardless if exceptions are made for one side they should be for close family on the other side- I think it’s either a child free wedding or it’s not.
fwiw similar happened in my dh family (distant cousins so we weren’t involved). 6 years on none of the family is speaking, and the parents barely see one set of grandkids, if they speak to one set the other ignores them cuz they are ‘taking sides’ dispite being trying to be neutral in an impossible position

Traditionally the bride chooses bridesmaids and flower girls from her side. Groom chooses groomsmen (and page boys) from his side. Yes people mix and match as suits them, and probably very few have page boys these days, but it’s embarrassing that your parents tried to shoehorn your kids in as flower girls (probably because they would look so cute in the dresses/pics). Given that they have already massively overstepped, I think you need to swallow your upset and keep your dignity at this point. Just leave it alone - if your DH feels so strongly, he can use the excuse of staying home and minding the kids. Perhaps the b&g will regret their choice in the future but at this point in time, it’s their decision, right or wrong, and you need to pretend to respect it or regretfully decline.

I can understand wanting to tell your brother it's upsetting that the kids aren't invited given some kids are invited but...

Now I've read the updates about you and your mother crying, your dad not wanting to go, your mother suggesting your kids are flower girls, your DH not wanting them to see other kids there I'm seeing another picture emerge.

I'm sorry but I don't think it was an accident that SIL wasn't there for the announcement. If I was her I wouldn't want to deal with any of you. I think honestly you need to get a grip.

Oh get over yourselves. Can’t stop crying because they want a child free wedding. Sounds a blessing if you all don’t go to me.

I have been in this exact position and it’s awful. Weddings are about family and there isn’t an age restriction on family. My two children were not invited to my brothers wedding, it broke my rule of you are entitled to have whatever wedding day you like, but I’m entitled not to come if I don’t agree with your choices.

in the end after his complete refusal to amend, I did go and my partner stayed at home to look after the children. It wasn’t a family wedding, I would go as far to say it was the most depressing wedding I’ve ever been too. And sadly it has impacted my relationship with him. He has little to no interest in family bonds and this was a demonstration of that.

It’s not ‘a trend’! I had one 30 years ago. I didn’t have kids and we didn’t want other people’s kids there. Only exception was a tiny baby my best friend had as she couldn’t come without her.

Everyone else was more than happy at a night away child free.

I don't really like the trend for child-free weddings anyway, because the age most people get married is the age most of their mates are having kids, and it's a pain in the arse having to arrange childcare, especially if it's a 'destination wedding' and not just a case of needing a few hours babysitting. And to me there's something soulless about childfree weddings, what with weddings essentially being a celebration of family. (And I've noticed a lot of brides who have childfree weddings go on to moan about them after having kids themselves, including my sister!)

All that aside, if your brother and SIL want a childfree wedding, that's their business - but they're not, because the two flower girls are kids. So they specifically don't want YOUR kids, and that must be hurtful. Are you close enough just to have a word with him about it? That's what I'd do - or I'd just turn it down and not go. I couldn't go to one of my brothers' weddings (another child-free one) for this reason either.

I would be upset that DB and DSIL hadn't explained before the invitations were sent out that they were planning a child-free wedding.

I would be upset that DB and DSIL didn't have a close relationship with their DNieces to choose them as flower girls along with or ahead of more distantly related children (who were seemingly excepted from the child-free rule).

I would be upset that this represented the distance in DB and my relationship.

However I wouldn't be crying with my mother and indulging DH's conversations about not attending (unless there is a drip-feed about it taking place halfway across the world).

I would arrange suitable fun childcare plans for the DC and rock up at the wedding, try to enjoy the day with parents, DH, brother, cousins, aunts and uncles etc, DB's childhood friends. Put a brave face on it essentially. And if having a closer relationship with DB and DSIL or encouraging a relationship between them and my DC felt important I would work on that as a separate thing to the wedding.

We had a childfree wedding as between us we have 25 nieces and nephews - it just wasn't affordable especially with close friends who all had children. At the time, I only had 1 niece and she was 6 months old, my sister completely understood and left her with her DH's family. They enjoyed the night away. We also had family book babysitters at the hotel for their kids. The only person who were remotely upset by it was my MIL but didn't force anything.

OP, you have every right to feel hurt by this. I imagine your family feels left out and like they haven't been considered. If my brother was getting married and having flower girls, I would probably presume my two daughters would be asked.
However, your brother and his fiancée also have the right to have the wedding they want.
If it were me, I would go and not mention it.

I keep hearing this but it depends on the family. I have never known them to be solely from the bride’s family - just whichever side has small children. At two of my brothers weddings all the flower girls were from the groom’s family.

I can understand why you are hurt OP, I would be too.

I also don’t understand all the posters who seem to think you shouldn’t contact your brother and discuss this. Why on Earth not? He’s an adult, he’s made a decision, get him to own it and explain to you why he’s decided to not invite his nieces to his wedding, when there will be other children there.

Based on his response you can decide what to do - wether to just go with your DH or to skip it all together and do something fun with your family.

I’m interested in why you couldn’t get much info from your brother OP

winder if he knew how this would go down or wasn’t happy with it 🤷‍♀️

I think we now know why the brother hasn't told the OP much about the wedding, or wanted any fuss about the engagement!