Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

" My mother and I keep crying" seems a tad OTT.
I understand OP is offended/hurt but really? continuous crying from the OP and her mum?

This isn't your wedding. Don't make it about you.

Actually they sound like the kind of people who’d love a good old family feud. Nothing makes life more interesting than having archenemies.

@CantStopMoving I've not been to a wedding with flower girls.

True!

I really feel for you OP. If my brother did this, I 100% would not be attending and would tell him why. My two children are his only niece and nephew, and would be devastated not to be invited. It’s horrible. I’ve not been brought up like this, nobody in either side of our family would think that was acceptable, my Mum and sister would also be very upset. I had both my nieces on my husband’s side as flower girls, my own brother and sister don’t have children yet, but it would be unthinkable for me not to invite them if they did. Do not feel guilty for a minute about not attending if they won’t reconsider. So sorry for you and your children.

Well that’s a completely different argument to the one here though.

They're a fairly common occurrence, you know, not mythological creatures or some invention of the OP to cause drama and make her brother's wedding about her.

Exactly! I don’t understand the volume of replies are missing this point, along with the irony of the OPs stance!

Op was ok to consider the wedding party as exempt from the no children rule, if it were her children!

You can invite somebody and also not be fussed if they attend. His entire attitude to the wedding shows he is not fussed. You can also invite somebody and if they have a good reason for not attending then that’s ok too. I did not go to one of my closest friends weddings because I could not afford it and we are still close to this day.

If she says she cannot get childcare he can hardly object. If you have a wedding with stipulations that make it difficult for some guests to attend then you have to be ok with some of them not being able to attend.

Although I understand it feels upsetting that your girls are not invited, I'd find it much more upsetting to not attend my own brother's wedding. If you are not very close then maybe you don't feel that way. By not attending you are engaging in tit for tat which is negative, quite petty and ultimately not very life enhancing. You choose.

Flower girls possibly there for ceremony only, not reception? But this is not your decision at all - you are a guest.

Possibly are u taking this too personally and thinking you are “less than” for some reason. Just let the bride do what she wants w her no kids policy. It doesn’t really matter, you refusing to go to wedding is extreme & selfish. Be prepared to be viewed as difficult …

Not only expecting or assuming your children would be involved never mind invited

Assuming your kids will be invited and wanted to your siblings’ weddings is entirely normal in my world. Thank goodness!

MN is a cold crazy place sometimes. Where you stop helping your kids in any way the morning they turn 18, grandparents have to book a slot in a month’s time to visit their newborn grandchild, and it’s entitled and outrageous to want your children invited to your brother’s wedding! No thanks to all that ;-)

It's their wedding and their choice. Please don't ask and cry to him about it you can only decide if you attend based on their wishes either decline for you and your DP if you don't want to go or arrange childcare and go

@Anxioustealady
Correct.
None of us know this family. That’s a given. The OP knows we only know what she has told us.
But the OP has said….
I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.
So as invited, I gave my opinion on her question. And some background to my thinking from my experience. OP knows she can take it or leave it or give a response. That’s the way this works.
I’m sorry if it touched a nerve with you.

This! Could not agree with you more, well said 👏🏻

One person’s “cold crazy place” is another’s “grown-up acceptance that the world doesn’t revolve around you.”

The scope of humanity, eh?

So they decided to get married but even though you are close family, they didn't tell you except in passing. And your kids aren't invited to the wedding but her niecies are.

I think you would be entitled to tell your brother that this is upsetting - it does seem like he is leaving your family to join hers. This is all on your brother though, not your SiL. He hasn't thought it worth his while to assert his family's right to equal consideration. He didn't care enough.

To be honest, I am not sure I wouldn't be saving myself the cost of the gift and the dress.

Also I think this just shows cultural differences around family. It would be baffling for me and my family to not have nieces and nephews at a wedding. To me it would feel the same as not inviting my siblings! 😃

I always think it's cold to exclude family, just because they're under 18. It's shit of your brother OP, and I would feel exactly as you do. And I'd tell him that.

Why do posters keep saying the brother can have a child free wedding if he wants. Its clearly not child free if there are other children are going?!

What relation to bride and ages are the other children going?

I would also be upset about this. Its their nieces not some random kids

I think you have a DB problem.

He is getting married too, but it sounds like the wedding is solely what his partner wants. This is his fault. He obviously isn’t advocating for his ‘side’ of the family.

if she is having flower girls, then he is allowed to put the foot down and say he wants his nieces there. They are his family.

he needs a boot up the backside

Exactly. The hypocrisy and entitlement are off the charts.

@Goldbar , i've been to weddings with youngish bridesmaids, but generally not many weddings I've been to had young children there.
It's not a thing in my religion.

Did you mean to sound patronising?

I don’t think you’re entitled at all. Your children are family. I had my DH’s 2 nieces as my flower girls as they are part of my family too, I love being their Aunty. Nieces and nephews are the most important children to me outside of my own children. As for not inviting them at all…I can’t believe it. I’ve been invited to 2 child-free weddings, but both made an exception for nieces and nephews attending. I’ve never heard of this IRL. 100% would not attended if either of my siblings tried this! Truly awful way to treat your own family.