Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

My brother not discussing the wedding is typical of him generally not because he thought we would make his wedding about us which we aren’t.

But you are. You have said that unless you get your own way yourself, your husband and your dad don’t want to attend and your mum is crying on the phone to your brother over flower girls. The only acceptable outcome for you is that not only are your children invited but they are made part of the bridal party and your in laws are also invited. You want to call their bluff by declining the invitation and that’s manipulative.

You are demanding the couple spend more money on their wedding to accommodate your wishes which is coming off as majorly entitled.

I chose against flower girls because for just one day I didn’t want my FHs niece to take over the day. The pushing her into the spotlight is relentless and exhausting. Maybe the couple feel the same.

if you feel like it’s worth risking your future relationship with your brother by not attending his wedding by all means decline, but to say they are close enough to be flower girls then not go to the wedding at all is hypocritical.

YANBU OP

I’d decline the invitation and blame lack of childcare. I think your dad should go though, he’ll regret it if he doesn’t.

It’s a strange thing no kids but then you find out there are actually kids going..
Id just say sorry we can’t come as the girls cant come and we dont have childcare. Maybe he’ll change his mind 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's their day and their choice. You don't have to agree. Try not to make a big thing out of it. My best friend had a child free wedding almost 25 years ago and they didn't invite the groom's young nieces. It didn't go down well and his sister and BIL refused to attend the wedding and it has massively affected their relationship ever since. Don't let that happen to you.

Mumsnet can be such a funny place in one thread we have women who must be behind every decision their son/brother makes they don’t like and his being controlled.

In another thread we have men cheating on their wives, refusing to help with chores or the daily grind, won’t take a sick day for their own child, won’t skip the pub or a stag do.

So these men are either two entire worlds apart or they actually control and stand up for what they genuinely want…

I have a funny feeling this brother is probably doing whatever stag he wants, sees his mates when he wants but either isn’t fussed or actively doesn’t want his nieces there.

Does your brother have children? How would he feel if things were the other way round?

I know one couple who were very precious about their wedding being child-free…fast forward to them having children, and they refused to go anywhere without them for years! She literally had the cheek to immediately say to me when I gave her an invite to my DD’s christening ‘well of course we won’t be attended if our girls aren’t invited’ (the invite had all 4 of their names on! I invited children to my wedding, it was you who didn’t, remember?!) The hypocrisy was off the chart!

I married into a family (not British) where my husband’s SIL’s (his brother’s wife) parents/siblings, partners and kids are invited to every bloody event … to the extent we’ve had to often include them when we’ve hosted Christmas. It’s a right PITA, and I do not in any way consider them part of the family.

We married first, but no way would have I extended an invitation to my SIL parents etc. For that alone YABU.

I'm really sorry, OP. I know from experience how hurtful it is when a sibling demonstrates that your feelings - and your shared parents' feelings - aren't a priority or even a consideration for them. I feel for you.

OP - have you considered that they might be many guests with children? Not just you? Perhaps financially, they don’t want to invite 20 more child guests. You just dont know.

Yes it’s their day, blah blah blah… but I would be hurt too. How can they say it’s child free but have other children there and exclude their actual nieces? It’s not very nice at all, but not a lot you can do about it.

But it’s her brother. Surely they should be the exception, not some random friends kids. If I went to a child free wedding, I wouldn’t be shocked to see nieces and nephews there because they’re close relatives, not just mates kids.

I expect the flower girls are likely daughters of the bridesmaids which would be the fiancées best friends. Likely the flower girls are seen as defacto nieces.

Which is where inviting children outside of the wedding party would cause issues.

It’s fine to be no child bar the wedding party but you start making no child bar the wedding party, bar the nieces and you end up with a so friends an nieces but not my children feeling where as family only or wedding party only avoids it.

Somany ppl on here are missing the point - OP was fine with her kids not going when she thought no children were going….but to then find out other kids from the bride’s side are going and are flower girls. Nah. Unless you’re estranged from your brother or there’s some hideous back story, not a chance I’d be going along to this wedding under these circumstances. Your brother (abd SIL to be) is being ridiculous. I’d try to calmly tell him how difficult you’re finding it, with other kids invited but yours not, and be honest, that it’s unfair on your kids for you to attend without them under these circumstances. I’d still be privately raging that they’re not flower girls but some friends’ kids are, but I think you’ll have to let that go. Honestly, it sounds rubbish, so if he doesn’t change his mind and invite your kids and give them some sort of little role, I’d skip it. Sorry, really sad for you and your mum. Hugs.

Exactly.

Also at 6 and 3 there is absolutely no reason these kids even need to know the wedding was taking place, let alone feel excluded. If the parents behave like responsibile adults with control over what they say to the children, one of whom may still well be in diapers! They don't get to be part of the discussion.

When we were that little, my parents often went out, and it could have been to Buckingham Palace, the local pub or someone's wedding for all we knew. We were children, not co-adults, and we did as we were told. "Mum and dad are going away for the weekend, you get to spend two nights with Nan, let's pack your bag."

And we did; we didn't interrogate them about their plans or question why we weren't going, too. We ate cheese and pickles and sausage rolls with our grandmother, played with her dogs, watched telly and got picked up in the morning. And life went on.

I’d be upset too OP and totally understand the strife it’s causing in the family. Weddings are a funny thing, they sometimes magnify how people really view the importance of their nearest and dearest. Your brother clearly doesn’t value your kids in his life but regardless they should be included as immediate family. My brother also had random kids in his wedding party and then asked my boys as an afterthought to be page boys (I assume my mum had instigated this - I wasn’t party to any conversations about it). I of course said yes, but wish I had said no as on the day they weren’t actually included in the ceremony or in the wedding party photos (so actually weren’t page boys in anything other than name - it was pointless).

Personally I would maintain a distance from this - your parents are obviously very upset at their grandkids being excluded and your brother is going to have to deal with them, let them handle it. You’re going to have a bitter taste in your mouth about the wedding now, regardless of how this turns out. Such a shame 😔

She says no kids to everyone … then having to say … with exception of brother, then every parent thinks theirs should be an exception too.

OP is guestzilla

Her kids don't have an automatic right to get everything other children are getting. No doubt these little girls are closer to the bride; perhaps the children of her best friend she's known since school days or whatever.

Why on earth would anyone think that people related to the groom get to have the exact same treatment as close associates of the bride?

These are little children. They are not teens who perhaps the B shares a hobby with, or has mentored about career choices, or who otherwise have a significant relationship with the groom. They are little kids he's probably patted on the head at Christmas. Not co-equals to the adults in the family.

Weeping and wailing and causing a family rift over such entitled, self-centered feeling probably goes a loooonnng way to explain why the brother has made so few reference to his wedding. He knew that his family would make it all about them.

They are ransom to anyone other than their parents!

You lost me when you said children are not co-equals to adults in the family. Children are absolutely equal to adults. They’re different from adults of course, so if a decision is made that no children are coming (or no un-married partners for example), then fine. But other children are going. It’s rotten. He’s the one potentially causing a rift.

Only on Mumsnet could a sister and brother-in-law being invited to a wedding and not their 4 and 6 year olds be perceived as ‘starting a rift’.

People love any excuse to be pissed off.

People on here love jumping in with things like 'don't go, and send a bouquet of dog shit' or 'ring him and lay down the law' which they would never do in real life. Don't follow such advice and ruin a lovely occasion that doesn't suit you perfectly. The advice isn't real in most cases.

Perspective. It's a wedding. You have two kids and a close family.

Please, feel a bit hurt by this decision in private. Maybe during a nice bath whilst you think it through and restore good humour. Then go to the wedding and enjoy it. You even have readily available baby sitters. Then move on. Your children won't care.

Wow!! Awkwardone
The fact that op and GPs are upset that the nieces/GC/ daughters, are not ramdon children, not just the mates kids or neighbours children,
This is about two little girls, part of a family yet not invited,

Good Lord….’Someone tell my heart’ - OP, this level of drama is a bit much.

It would make a great song title though. I reckon LeAnn Rimes could really belt that one out.

I mean it would appear to the bride and groom they are being treated the same as any other family or friends children that are not in the wedding party.

This is the mistake.

Brother, you have successfully managed to reduce DH and Dad to tears.

Congratulations.

Have a nice wedding.

The end.

I didn't want any of the family drama over invites so didn't invite anyone. Problem solved.