Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Well exactly. Hence me saying she should just not go and save the money normally incurred in going to a wedding.

Go to the wedding. It’s your brother.

You've just made all this up.

You and OP have no idea if this is coming from the brother or his wife to be.

Also, those saying you’re hysterical & getting upset over nothing are wrong. Your mum was right to pick up the phone.

But he did invite his sister. There was evidently at least some degree of being fussed about her attendance.

It's not necessarily a strop. I wouldn't be stropping if my brother didn't invite my kids to his wedding (which is entirely feasible given his personality 😂) but I wouldn't be putting myself out to attend. Actually we don't have readily available overnight childcare so the solution we'd probably come up with would be that I'd attend and my DH would stay at home with the kids. But that would be assuming that the wedding venue was readily accessible and travel and accommodation was affordable. I wouldn't be travelling to any remote castles in the Scottish Highlands or flying to any picturesque 'desert' islands where you need to get a flight then a boat to attend a wedding on my own 😂. And that would not be out of pique but because I couldn't be arsed.

Because the bride and groom have chose to have no child guests. The nieces aren't being singled out. The OP is making this all about herself instead of graciously accepting that people have different styles, different visions and different opinions of appropriate venues for children. The hosts have every prerogative to set the boundaries.

If it's not about showing off her kids, what is it about? A toddler and a reception child aren't going to be making scintillating speeches or having sparkling conversation with other guests! They will be mooching around, taking attention away from adult interaction, getting in the way and needing to be taken home or otherwise tended to, to the disruption of everything else. They don't add anything to an adult-only, evening party.

It has nothing to do with his fondness for them. If the OP wants to cultivate a relationship between B, SIL and her kids, there will be plenty of opportunities to do so in the future. If she doesn't cause a permanent rift by trying to force her kids in where they are, for a few short hours, not welcome.

I don't think you should tell him how upset you are, etc. It's their right to have a child-free wedding, and (unless they are deliberately snubbing your children by inviting everyone else's children except them) making an emotional fuss about it would come across as emotional blackmail.

However, by the same token, he doesn't have a right to make an emotional fuss if you don't pull out all the stops to attend in the face of your own childcare issues. While it's his right to choose a child-free wedding, such choices do come with the consequence that people with children may not be able to attend.

How old are the flower girls. To be honest, I would not have wanted a 4 year old and 6 year old running around at my wedding. If that meant the parents could not attend, then so be it. If they have planed their perfect wedding without children, then that is the wedding they should have.

I would be surprised but not disappointed I would just think oh well let's have a nice child free celebration. Not a big deal.

I absolutely would say something to Brother and Suster in Law (together, in person).

Honestly OP it’s one day of your whole lives. Get your in-laws to mind them go to the wedding at let that be the end of it.

Yea, it would have be nice if your kids were invited. But your SIL probably chose kids she is closer to for her bridal party as she is perfectly entitled to do.

I became upset about weddings in the past and u deeply regret it. Years down the
line I can see that it just doesn’t matter.

I must have missed some crucial bit of information because why are people blaming the bride for the child free stance? Why the assumption that the groom is just blindly going along with her wishes?

Why are people making out like the OPs children have been purposely targeted, rather than the reality which is that it is a child free wedding with the exception of the wedding party? If you just put all kids in the wedding party it sort of defeats the purpose either way, no?

And why is there an assumption that the bride and groom must be close to nephews and nieces? I'm not close to mine, but I'm close to children of my friends who I see all the time.

Also, I had a child free wedding because we'd recently found out we couldn't have children and were struggling to come to terms with it. I couldnt have given a single shit whether people liked it, thought we were selfish or whatever. I think we were absolutely right to prioritise our own feelings for our own wedding.

My brother had a child free wedding with the exception of his own children (flower girl and ring bearer) and his nieces and nephews and my SIL nephews.
He has many good/best friends with young children and none of them were invited and no one batted an eye lid. To have had all the children there would have made it less about the grown ups and more about crowd control.
I would have been upset if my children hadn’t been invited as we are a very close family but ultimately it would have been the their choice. I would have left ours with my DH, my sister would have left hers with her DH and we would have gone to our brother’s wedding together, which is what I suggest you do.
Go with your parents and leave the children with your DH, your brother is not wrong in inviting who ever he chooses, however you’re not wrong to be upset. The only other option is to not attend as a family but that will have lasting consequences so only advisable if you don’t have a close sibling relationship and are happy to not have one going forward.

Their wedding - their choices 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yanbu. If it's child free fair enough, but it isn't child free because there are 2 other children invited!!!

@CantStopMoving ,but they are little children. Weddings are long days of expensive clothes, food, and drink, with lots of adults making small talk, being photographed, listening to boring speeches, dancing late into the evening.

I must have missed some crucial bit of information because why are people blaming the bride for the child free stance? Why the assumption that the groom is just blindly going along with her wishes?
Exactly. The groom is equally involved with planning presumably. I would feel upset my DD's weren't involved as you are Op, but that is our problem. Your Brother has shown how much he considers your DD's.

I wasn't invited to any family weddings until I was in my teens. According to MN, I have several relatives who snubbed me.

My father was best man at one, and I wasn't a bridesmaid. They obviously hated me!

But it's not your wedding ? You don't get to decide who they invite and the vibe they want for it. Your DC may be the centre of your world but they are not for everyone else.

@GutsyPeachExpert This is your DB and SIL's wedding and it's their choice to have it child-free.
On the one hand you post: "My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule."
On the other hand you post: "... we are angered and upset because my children are excluded from my brother’s wedding."
i) Your children aren't excluded from your DB's wedding - all children are.
ii) You would have been perfectly happy for everyone else's children to be excluded so long as an exception was made for yours as part of the "wedding party".
Your self-centred attitude and disrespect for your DB's and SIL's wishes for their wedding is mind-blowing and I sincerely hope none of you goes - your unnecessary drama won't be missed on their big day.

The divisiveness is having wedding you have decided is an adults only formal event (because that is an opinion) and inviting only some close family children but not others.

This!!

So you don’t think there should be flower girls at all?

No harm in your brother knowing how upset and disappointed you are - but he knows that already, from your DM. Please don’t beg - have some dignity! If they gave in because you were making such a fuss they would be bound to hold it against you, and if they didn’t give in you would hold it against them even more.

I think your DB was insensitive not to realise how you would feel, but you don’t want this to be the start of a long family feud, for the sake of your DM if no-one else.

Go to the wedding - on your own if you like (you could always say DPIL weren’t free to babysit) - and plaster a smile on your face. You don’t want to be accused in future years of having spoilt their wedding by having a face like thunder all day.