Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

If anyone’s on the fence about having a wedding, reading the entitlement in this thread will certainly put them off. Fuckin’ ell.

This is splitting hairs!

If there are other children there, bridal party or not, they are guests and the wedding isn’t child free.

Possibly. But little girls often do care about things like attending weddings. To be honest, I wouldn't care if it were true or not if it forced him to take a look at his priorities. It's meanspirited not to invite his young nieces to his wedding when a couple of kids from the bride's side are attending.

Yes I agree that is just plain mean behaviour from your DB and SiL. To have two flower girls from her side and totally overlook the other side of the family is going to leave a bad taste and a lasting unpleasant feeling.
i would say something to your DB because I think it needs saying so he knows how it affects you all including his own DM.
Whether you choose to attend or not is another story….

It's your brother's wedding - your DH and children can stay at home and just you go with your parents. Seems pretty simple to me. I get that it feels a bit unfair due to the other children being involved, but their wedding, their "rules"

Dear OP you are not unreasonable at all. I understand people may not want hundreds of children they hardly know running around at their wedding. But I will never understand how you would not want your two (and only) nieces to be there. I would try to calm down a bit first … and then find a moment to discuss the situation with your brother. There is no harm in discussing how hurt you all are (grand parents included), asking if they have thought this through and if this is really what they want. If he/they still say no, then I would probably accept it, but I’d find it very hard. It is their day, of course, but these are your feelings, and you have every right to feel the way you do (just like they, unfortunately, have the right to decide how to organise their wedding). Best of luck, OP!

Sorry but YABU. Maybe you think it would be nice to have them as flower girls, but they clearly don't, and it's not your wedding, it's theirs!

He has every right to have a child free wedding - but of course he then needs to understand that some people might have difficulties with childcare. But don't use that as an excuse just to be petty because you think your children should be there.

Their wedding, their rules.

It is a long day for a 4 and 6 year old, I would be rejoicing at being able to leave them at home 😃 assuming you have suitable baby sitters of course.

The brother doesn’t have to include his nieces. But how strange that he doesn’t want to.

Weddings kind of epitomise the ‘me me me’ culture of society today. I think it’s a shame to lose the sense of family occasion and inclusivity (abusive families of course excepted). It’s about the individual over the community. Can I blame the Iron Lady?

hardly

I had a child free wedding for the ceremony and meal (no exceptions) then allowed children in the evening.
Personally I think weddings are boring for children, and I have attended weddings where mine weren't invited. My son was 2 when I was bridesmaid for my sister, and he wasn't invited.
It's the couples choice. I would get childcare, go and have a lovely day, without worrying whether my children were bored and likely to act up......

I think you missing the point. It is the principle that he actively wants to have children (possibly unrelated we don’t know) at his wedding but not his own sister’s children. Not only that they will have a role in the ceremony and be in all the photos forever and so her children will always know their uncle didn’t want them there but he wanted the other children. The OP presumably thinks she is close to her brother but he’s making it clear she isn’t. She’s hurt.

I do wonder if part of the problem is that some people are so overcome by the wonderfulness of their DCs that they don’t understand why everyone else doesn’t want them at everything ever.

Silly comment. This is about a sibling’s wedding. Not any old event.

No, he is saying that his fiancee wanted flower girls and chose those. He personally might think they are the most annoying brats under the sun but its up to his fiancee.

I don't think you're entitled or hysterical (🥴 at this mysogynist description) or unreasonable at all. This is a clear signal that her family are more important than yours. Kudos to those who are all 'their wedding their rules' and would have no feelings about this, but back in the real world, this is really rude and I'd be offended.

My daughter, who was 6 months old at the time, wasn’t invited to my brothers wedding but they sent her her own invite to the evening reception! My husband and I went to the wedding but declined all invitations to the evening reception. I actually wished I’d never gone at all and was upset that my parents didn’t even try and ask him to make an exception for her. You are not being unreasonable at all.

I would be upset too. Our wedding was child free but we invited very close family who were children (niece, cousin, half sibling).

Do you actually have a relationship with your SIL to be? Are you close to your brother. I would probably attend but not stay late- if you don't go you risk falling out with your brother and things being awkward for years

Again no, not that he actively wants children there but his fiancee wants flower girls.

I have had to decline childfree wedding invitations due to lack of childcare options (both required overnight stays). One family member loosened the rule for me, the other didn't. Both times I didn't mind whether I attended or not and understood the rationale but ultimately some people won't be able to come to childfree weddings. I can see telling friends 'no kids', and even cousins...but your own neices and nephews? That's odd to me. Anyway...if I were OP I'd tell my brother I was hurt.

Well it wasn’t at my wedding! We decided everything together! There is no way my DH would have tolerated me saying I’ll have my niece for example and his weren’t invited.

Then it’s not a child free wedding!

I can understand why you are a bit upset in terms of your girls being close family and not included.
BUT
If childcare isn't an issue, you'll have a much better time without two young girls to take care of! Weddings are really boring for kids! Just go and have a good time without them.
Everyone I know would rather stick pins in their eyes than go to a wedding with kids in tow! (I know as I asked them for my wedding and not a resounding 'NO!' as to whether they wanted to bring them)

Please speak to your brother. At least to get his view. And then decide.

A bride and groom are entitled to have whatever invite list they choose. And invitees are free to decline an invite.

Im with you OP. Id be absolutely gutted if my sibling didnt invite my DCs. We had a 'childfree' wedding except our nieces and nephews, I thought that was pretty standard. I couldnt imagine leaving them out.
Mumsnet is a completely alternate universe when it comes to weddings, you're just going to end up with a pile on. Im definitely in the camp of B&G get whatever they want on their big day, but purposely hurting a sibling and their DCs for the sake of a couple of extra kids is heartless.
If I were you OP id go alone because I wouldnt want to miss my siblings wedding. But I would take a HUGE step back from them, and go very very low contact in the future. Hopefully they will realise how awful they are behaving and change their mind before the big day.

I totally get that it would be disappointing but if your brother and sil had not mentioned your daughters would be flower girls then you have set yourself up to be upset and you've proven your brother's fears right. It's now not about him and his choices for his wedding but about you, your mum and your dad's feelings.