Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

It’s not hypocrisy on his part if the bride invited them.

And the OP has been invited so can still infer that closeness if she wishes.

People just enjoy being pissed off about stuff.

Absolutely ridiculous overreaction from you OP

Not only expecting or assuming your children would be involved never mind invited but assuming your in laws would be too

The entitlement people get around weddings on MN is ridiculous. In real life people accept that it’s the B&G day and they can invite who they want

Would I say something to my brother….Yes of course OP. You’d have to be very heartless to not be upset at your kids not being invited to your own brothers wedding.

For those on here that keep saying the bride can do what she wants…..correction…the bride and groom can do what they want.

If this is both of their choices then of course it’s their day and their money being spent So of course they can do exactly what they like.

Its also your choice OP and I’m with your dh on this. I wouldn’t be going as I think it’s rude and heartless….. People of course can be that way and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean you have to join in.

What a load of drama. It’s one day. Maybe they thought you’d like to use it as a chance to let your hair down and enjoy a child free day out. What exactly is the big deal about your children not being invited? You’ll have to look after them all day, they’ll probably be served food they won’t like and you’ll have to faff around with Tracker bars or something, and you’ll have to go home early when they get tired and grumpy. Kids are a pain in the neck at weddings. It’s far more fun when you don’t have to look after your own, or even worse, somebody else’s children.

Who else got married and made decisions independently of each other? I didn’t invite anyone without my husband agreeing and VV. it was OUR wedding not just mine.

The bride chooses her flower girls, you can't object to that.
You could tell your brother that you're upset that his nieces are not being invited, but I doubt it will result in an invitation.
Weddings can cause so much upset, I sometimes wonder why anyone bothers! Go if you can bear it; don't if it will just upset you and make you cry.

Of course you're unreasonable. It's fine to be disappointed that your children aren't invited but it isn't fine to feel entitled to dictate who somebody else invites to their event.

A no children wedding is just that, not no children unless you'd just really like to bring them.

{mention:GutsyPeachExpert},@GutsyPeachExpert, your mother has spoken to your brother and explained your family point of view. I don't see that you speaking to him will achieve anything other than more upset - and I think you and your mother are probably upset enough as it is.

You (and your mother) have every right to your feelings about the situation. Please ignore those who are saying otherwise.

You all need to make a decision about how to go forward with this, remembering that if it all blows up, you may well lose future contact with your brother and his possible children. Your parents too must be aware that this might happen, particularly if future sil is going to be taking the lion's share of the blame.

As I see it, you have the following options:
° Don't go at all. Send a nice card and do not give any explanation.
°Go to the ceremony, but not the reception. Make sure they know that you're not eating so that they're not charged - remember that 2 wrongs do not make a right.
°Attend everything and have your inlaws look after your children. (This is the best option if you want to remain on friendly terms in the future).

I think your DH is having a hissy fit - no one but the bride should choose attendants and let's face it, you'll enjoy the do more without constantly attending to your children, making sure they remain presentable for photos and not spilling juice over their dresses. It's quite difficult parenting flower girls, particularly after the ceremony itself. Just view the wedding as any other adult family party and enjoy telling your story to relatives enquiring after your daughters. This is your opportunity to get one over on the bride and groom!

OP, I get that you're disappointed and hurt. It's up to you though, how you deal with it. Lashing out, although it seems like a good option, seldom works in the long term. Lastly, try to put a stop to you and your mother (and husbands) winding each other up. It's not helping anyone here.

Good luck ❤️

If you’re suggesting many brides don’t make unilateral wedding decisions (in many cases because grooms don’t care either way) then I have a bridge to sell you.

Well that’s pretty awful. If I’d said to my husband I want my nieces to be flower girls, the first thing he would have said is great, then mine are too! And if have gone no problem.

her children will always know their uncle didn’t want them there but he wanted the other children.

purposely hurting a sibling and their DCs for the sake of a couple of extra kids is heartless.

Blimey the drama! This couple arent having their wedding how they want it to spite OPs kids FFS! OPs kids aren't the main character here (possibly that's the problem).

I wonder if men want to disengage from their birth family or if this is forced upon them by she who must be obeyed?

So do I and had one myself, before I realised what an enormous effort it was for our many guests with childcare to arrange on a Sunday evening hundreds of miles from home! However, leaving close family out is awful imo, the children are old enough to stay quiet during the ceremony and are a lovely age to be flower girls.

Grown ass men are of course famously incapable of making their own decisions. The world is in fact ruled by women.

What do you normally do with your kids when you and your husband go out as a couple? Why do you have to take the kids everywhere including other people's social events?
Anyway, Sounds like your sil to be is running the show. Your bro won't have any say.
I must say it was very generous of your mum to offer your kids up as flower girls ha ha

I agree with this. Also, this is 100% on the brother, not future SIL. She chose to have children close to her as her flower girls. He chose not to invite his nieces.

My husband and I had a childfree wedding (in fairness, none of our siblings had children at the time, so had we had children there, it would have been friends' and cousins' children) but I did ask one of my bridesmaids if her daughter would like to be our flower girl. My BM declined, as she said she and her husband would have more fun not chasing their toddler around all weekend and that they had reliable childcare, so we just didn't have one. It never would have occurred to me to ask one of gals in my husband's family, as much as I love them and knew them well at that time.

Fair enough to have a childfree wedding but I think op has a point.

Dh has one brother they had a childfree wedding which of course we respected. Sil then insisted some random children of her family friends came who weren’t even related (no children on her side at all) so BIL put his foot down and said hang on if those unrelated kids are invited my brothers children are too.

I think the effect of your children not being invited is that this makes it truly "optional" whether or not you attend. Whereas if your children were viewed as close family and invited, then I'd come down on the side that a sibling and family should really make a big effort to attend another sibling's wedding if they could.

But if your children aren't viewed as close family and aren't invited, then this doesn't apply and probably the bride and groom aren't that bothered whether you attend or not. So go if you want to, but if you have better things to do or think it would be more fun to spend the money going away for a family weekend together rather than to the wedding, then I don't see that your brother can really complain. He's shown you where you are in the pecking-order and he really can't complain that you've received the message loud and clear.

Why can't her partner's family watch the kids? They won't be attending the wedding. Or, with five months notice, find a trustworthy paid carer and let the kids get to know her/him.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Or, strop, make it all about oneself, create family drama and cement a permanent rift with B and SIL. All because two little girls who would barely remember the event weren't invited?

Then it will be 'my baby', 'my house' etc., it will be all about her forever.

Angry and upset that your quite young children aren't invited to a grown up, adults only event?

Because that's what it is. Even if it is family and friends of the bride and groom.

YABquiteU and I think you and your mum need to act like grown ups and model better life coping skills for your children.

Why shouldn't her life be all about her? She isn't obliged to make up for B's lack of relationship with his family.

I can't believe the MIL actually called to press them about inviting the children.

Fine to be disappointed but not going or arranging childcare because they didn’t do what you wanted on their own wedding day seems incredibly unnecessary. The very reason we eloped to avoid this sort of drama.

Age is a wonderful, thing my 30 year old brain would probably be really pissed off.

My 60 something brain would be wring a polite "sorry we're unable to attend, hope you have a lovely day".
And leave them asking the questions.

I would take that personally given the bride is allowed her choice of children there and the groom's nieces are not welcome.

We refused to go to my husband's brother's wedding for same reason. DH was adamant we weren't going without our young daughters. So we politely and simply sent an rsvp saying we weren't attending. No regrets at all. Sod them.