Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Sorry it was more a response to the poster you were responding to!

If you and your bother are close, and he was close to your children, then I’d be a bit offended they weren’t invited.
But the fact he sent the invite without any mention of the no children policy prior, suggests (to me) that you aren’t that close.
Your Mum was cheeky to ask your brother to involve your children when it was quite obvious (via the invite) that wasn’t what he (or his bride to be) wanted.
The reaction of tears and the declarations of not wanting to go seem very over the top just because it’s a child free wedding. The fact that there are 2 flower girls - that traditionally the bride chooses may feel hurtful, but it’s likely she is closer to those children. Do you really think it’s a personal slight to your children?. People think differently when they don’t have their own children yet, and excluding them from their wedding clearly makes total sense to them (& probably others too)
Just because you see a wedding as a big family affair, doesn’t mean they do. I know parents who have been glad of a child free day and evening, celebrating with friends and family with no worries over bored or hungry children or nap times etc etc

You have 2 choices, ask your PIL to look after your children, and accept the invitation for you and your husband. Enjoy the wedding of your brother.
Or decline.
You don’t need passive aggressive ‘no childcare for your nieces’ messages. A simple, thank you for the invite, I’m sorry we aren’t able to join you for your special day. Hope you have a fabulous time and look forward to hearing all about it.
But I would think very carefully if your decision is to not go, because that’s making quite a statement to your brother, who has done nothing wrong other than to decide (like hundreds of others do) to have a child free wedding.

TBH, if I was sil, I would have just chosen to have four flower girls. I’m sure she must realise the fallout from this. There’s no hard and fast rules about how many flower girls or bridesmaids you have, and I would have just gone for four flower girls and be done with it. Surely she must be totally aware of how difficult this has made things. True, B&G should do what they want to do, but sometimes it’s a case of just compromising a little, just so that the day is remembered for all the right reasons, and not for family drama,and it appears OPs dad is also saying he doesn’t want to attend.

@GutsyPeachExpert your brother is a wanker and your feelings are valid.

It's NOT a child free wedding if SiL's nieces are flower girls.

Your idiot brother just doesn't care enough about you or his nieces to push back against what his bride wants.

Yes, it's their wedding and they can do whatever they want because it is THEIR special day but choices have consequences and they are choosing to snub his nieces.

I wouldn't go either.

It would be a different story if there were no kids at all or if the bride's nieces were teens but from what you've said, they are selectively snubbing your side of the family over hers and that is a dick move.

I'd be really upset too. Mumsnet folk can be a strange bunch. If there are other kids as flower girls it's not child free is it?!

It will likely leave a lasting rift for the sake of "our way or the highway"

Delightful.

Good god, the adults are still invited. So many drama llamas on this thread.

Generally I disagree with this, I always think it's a shame for children very close to the bride and groom to be excluded just because they don't want / can't afford for the children of every single guest to come and some petty people would be put out. I recently had to leave my kids, and therefore also by DH home for my cousin's wedding as it was child free. It turned out there was actually one child there, but he was the brides nephew, so a much closer relative, and I was happy with that. I would never expect a nephew not to be invited because the don't want to invite second cousins as well!

However, in this case I think the bride and groom are being unreasonable because they are picking and choosing children without including the niece and nephew which are basically the closest children could be unless the couple had their own kids. That is much more hurtful. I think it's fine to have other children as flower girls, as they are brides side, so your mother shouldn't have requested that, but to have other children there at all and not including nieces and nephews seems personal (unless perhaps a big age difference?).

However, your mother has already spoken to them so I don't see what else you can do. What more could you say? I'd go on my own if we didn't have a babysitter or my DH was very annoyed, but I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding over it.

I would be upset too and I don’t like the child free wedding trend, but it’s their wedding so they can do what they like. Seeing as childcare is not an issue I would go to the wedding

Children free weddings are not unusual. The bit that would be strange for me is that there are other children invited but not your DB’s own nieces. That’s what I would be raising with him.

I'd talk to them both, not just to your brother.
It's not a child free wedding, she has prioritised her family over yours. I think it's pretty mean to be honest and I'd be upset too.

It’s not a childfree wedding though because two other flower girls (that aren’t related to the bride) will be attending.
I completely understand why you are upset, I would be devastated and I don’t even have children.
I would attend the wedding without my partner and children and leave early. Stay classy.
Be polite, but honest. Obviously not on the actual day.
Your brother doesn’t care about your children, he will understand how hurtful this is if they end up having their own children. Your poor mother too.
sending hugs xx

I'll never understand why having a child-free wedding is more important than including family as closely related as your nieces and nephews. I don't know if I'd tell him I was hurt, but I wouldn't be happy about it. The fact that some children actually will be there makes it worse not to invite his own sister's children. If I said anything, I'd probably say the children will be very disappointed. Maybe a low blow, but whatever! It's likely true, so he can at least be made to acknowledge that his choice has consequences.

This is what I think

It will likely leave a lasting rift for the sake of "our way or the highway"

If you can’t be “our way or the highway” for your wedding then when can you? The wedding invite is an invite - not the opening offer in a protracted negotiation.

I do wonder if part of the problem is that some people are so overcome by the wonderfulness of their DCs that they don’t understand why everyone else doesn’t want them at everything ever.

Their wedding their choice. You can decide whether you want to go or not.
You should not try and insert your children into positions (flower girls) in their wedding.

I suspect the children will care about 1% as much as the OP does.

Once again, MN never fails to show their hypocrisy.

The OP is not being unreasonable if there are other children there but not his own blood nieces.

the SIL can make an exception for flower girls so why can the BIL not do the same for nieces. I would hazard a guess these aren’t even blood relatives of the bride but are allowed to attend.

Again it proves why so many in society have very little respect and family values.

Yes to this. It’s perfectly reasonable.

Are your dc “spirited” @GutsyPeachExpert ?

Of course it's hurtful. I wouldn't make a fuss because it won't change anything but it would change the way I felt about my sibling. Don't put yourself out to help him in the future.

My in-laws reached out to my parents as soon as we became serious. They invited us all including brother’s then partner to many of their events and we were all invited to DH’s sister’s wedding.

some people value family more than others, you know the people who are invested in you, and who isn’t. Your brother isn’t interested, go to the wedding and enjoy it, but know the dynamic has changed for you all.

You have no evidence that it's the bride who has made this decision, why are you blaming her? OPs brother may be a wanker and an idiot, maybe, but he's allowed to have the wedding he wants. And flower girls would traditionally be from the brides side, so that being the case for this wedding isn't unusual.

No one is snubbing anyone,and actually OP was fine with it being a child free wedding when she assumed her children were the exception to the rule; now she's found there are other children who are the exception and not hers she's unhappy it's a child free wedding. Bit hypocritical.

And think of the money everyone would be saving, clothes, travel, accommodation, presents!

My child has been a flower girl on 3 occasions and there were always flower girls from both sides. It may have once been only on bride’s side but I think it normally now is any close children of both sides of family and friends.

My brother's wedding was child free. I did bring my youngest as they were a breastfeeding infant at the time but the other kids just went to MIL's for the weekend and it was great! It's really not that big of a deal.