Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Obviously the poster thinks you are. I don’t know why you think challenging her to call you self centred will somehow change her mind or do anything but make you feel crap.

anyway, OP I don’t understand the posts with “breezy declines and let him decide”. He has already decided. It appears that he is likely not to care either way. I think he has been rude and uncaring and he has to live with the consequences of that decision, which is upsetting his family.

If we didn’t have opinions on other people’s lives, there would be no MN 🤷🏼‍♀️ And this is a discussion board. I would never tell a couple my views to their face. But I can have loads of opinions here, on all sorts of stuff!

Really? I had kids at my wedding and it was lovely - but as a parent now, I bloody love a child free wedding!

I think OPs allowed to be upset, but I don't think her upset entitles her to ask her DB to change his wedding choices.

He might care if she doesn't go, or might not, we've no idea.

Yes. If you both have family members that would have liked to see you get married then that is the very definition of self-centred.

Fair point @Nameychangington I guess I thought that the bride is often more concerned about the wedding and seems to only flexed for her friends and family. But the brother is at least if not more culpable for not valuing his own family. I’m happy to stand corrected.
( although I do think the bride should also have had more sense than to exclude the groom’s family)

But the other children aren't guests, they are part if the bridal party, chosen from her "side" as is traditional. There is no suggestion that there are any child guests. The drama being built around this, is ridiculous.

It's reasonable to be irritated but personally for the sake of family harmony I would not make a big fuss and would just go on my own if I had no childcare.

I should make a correction:

You can have whatever opinion you like when it comes to your own wedding*

*An opinion that carries any weight

I would be upset as well OP. You brother and SIL must know this. I would personally go to the wedding, then leave after the meal and take your girls to the cinema or out for a meal. I don’t think it’s worth having a big fall out with your brother, but doesn’t mean you have to go the whole day.

obviously people misunderstood the problem .The OP is miffed her children are not invited but if it is a child free wedding it’s a child free wedding. What she is more upset about is it isn’t a child free wedding. 2 children from the bride’s side are coming as flower girls. He’s saying he cares for those children enough to want them to be at his wedding but not her children and so is hurt.

This

and I voted YANBU!

😂Thankfully mine and DHs family aren't complete arseholes and were delighted for us.

They understood our reasons for doing it the way we did and know that we're not the kind of people who like a big fuss or having to put on a spectacle for everyone else and spend thousands of pounds (that we don't have) on a party.

And to be honest, reading this thread makes me so fucking glad we did it the way we did.

Perhaps she’s respecting his wishes when it comes to his family.

That would be my approach too.

People can of course have child free weddings if they wish. They do have to understand though that it may mean that some people, even close family, may then be unable to come due to childcare issues. So be it.

I think some people do compromise and allow bridal party and immediate family children only, with the occasional newborn babe in arms. I went to one like this once. Again, up to the bride and groom and they have to realise that it will restrict some people.

You and your mum are crying over it? Stop being a drama llama. Politely decline the invitation if you don’t want to attend without your kids. Do NOT harangue the bride and groom.

If a couple wants a child free wedding they have to accept that some people won't be able to attend.

I agree with PPs that it's a pity so many weddings are no longer multigenerational affairs, but there we are. Maybe it's a difficult venue to have young children, who knows.

It's odd, I think it's not surprising you're upset, but politely decline and let them get on with it.

I feel you OP. My partner's nephew is getting married in August and our kids are the only cousins not invited because no under 18s. But they are 12 and 14 and are going to be crushed. We live in the village where the wedding is and will have family probably asking to stay with us so they will be well aware of everything happening but left out of the main event and I'm just sad about it. Of course it is up to them how they plan their wedding but I don't think I'll get past it for a long time, and I don't think I will be going.

I would love to hear the groom's pov on this struggle for control of his wedding.

Bride and he vs SILzilla who thinks not only should her kids be flower girls and go to child free wedding, but is miffed her in laws aren't invited and has involved their parents, her husband, and the Vipers of MumsNet.

Agree. It isn't worth causing a family rift over. Go and give them your blessings, or if you aren't going, decline politely. I'd at least send a card if you feel too snubbed to send a present.

Sometimes people have smaller weddings due to finance. Not everyone can afford to invite all the relatives.

I’ve read this 3 times and don’t understand how it relates to my post. Did you quote me by mistake?

Honestly, OP, just suck it up. It’s life, we don’t all get what we want and you will achieve nothing by forcing an invite out of them. Will that really make you feel better?

It’s fine to feel hurt and offended but you have to get over it. And tell your husband and parents to do the same.

Why would your in laws be invited ?

This reaction is too much. Crying repeatedly over a childfree wedding, and your mother expecting your in laws to be invited to the wedding. You've got far too many expectations and demands, it's not your wedding.

If childcare isn’t an issue then YABVU. Some people seem to just want things to be pissed off about.