Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

They have invited her husband? Although he is also being completely dramatic and OTT and saying he can't bring himself to go and watch two other children as flower girls.

In my world and in my culture, it’s just unthinkable to exclude siblings’ kids from a wedding. A sad state of affairs OP. I am sorry.

My brother knows nothing about my dad and husband’s reactions.

Gently, decline the invitation. You need not give any further explanation. If they change their mind I’d still be inclined not to go. Not on the principal of a childfree wedding, that is legitimately acceptable, but the fact that other children are invited and yours excluded.

The wedding is child free with the exception of the children that the bride has chosen for her bridal party. She’s perfectly entitled to ask whoever she chooses to be on her bridal party. You and your mum sound like you’re being very ott about this. It’s a wedding for goodness sake.

Agree with this ... BUT I had a child-free wedding and compromised. All my nieces and nephews were 'attendants'. My fiancé didn't have any nieces or nephews, so some of his cousins made a fuss about their DC being included instead. We agreed it was fairer.

So don't have a celebration and invite anybody if that's all a wedding should be about.

He will though,won't he? If your DF doesn't go due to disapproving of the guest list, and your DH both doesn't want to go without your DC and also doesn't want to go with your DC now you know other DC are the flower girls, your DB will of course know about it.

It's ok to be upset but the reaction from you your DH and your parents is very strong and the behaviour coming from that reaction is manipulative. If you don't all calm down there will be a confrontation, how can there not be?

I can understand the flower girls being from brides side of the family, I also understand them wanting a child free wedding. I think YABU to ask for your daughters to be invited, when they have already made the decision not to invite them. If you don't want to attend the wedding because of this, that's your right. Not sure why the initial info about her not being present when they announced the engagement etc, was needed. The reactions of your DH and DF seem over the top.

Personally, that's how I felt about it too, which is why my husband and I got married with no guests at all and have never announced it to anyone.

But if you feel this way, why have guests? What's the point of the wedding part of it?

There is a 50:50 split in this thread of people who think weddings are only about the bride and groom alone and everyone else are not important to the occasion and those who see weddings as a celebration and uniting/coming together of families.

Quite interesting how different people see it tbh. I’m very close to my family so couldn’t imagine causing any of this stress at all. When I got married, i loved having all my extended family there. For me, it just wouldn’t have been the same to exclude anyone.

He doesn’t need to know anything about anyone’s reaction.

You either attend the wedding or you don’t.

Once the day is over, it’s over. There’s really no need to be this emotionally invested is someone else’s wedding. Life is too short.

Have a lovely wedding DB. Unfortunately I don’t have childcare for your nieces. Save me a piece of cake.

I would be honest. And just say that you don’t want to come without ‘Sophie and Emma’. No drama or rudeness. Just factual. I would not make up any other reason

My point is, a wedding is about the couple getting married. They can choose to celebrate in whichever way and with whoever they want. People lost sight of this and think that they are in some way entitled to dictate someone else's special day.

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

You're right some of us dont understand - its a wedding, the world wont end if you are not there, the world wont end if you get childcare and go without your dc

If there are no logistical issues to your children not attending the wedding, you are being ridiculous.

Weddings are about whatever the people who invite you want them to be about. Their job is simply to tell you what they are inviting you to, and your job is simply to accept what's on offer, or decline.

Another day another ‘why didn’t my kids get invited to a wedding’ thread. And I remain unsympathetic. Their day, their rules.

There is a 50:50 split in this thread of people who think weddings are only about the bride and groom alone and everyone else are not important to the occasion and those who see weddings as a celebration and uniting/coming together of families.

So true. My wedding was all about the guests and me appreciating having so many people I love, there to celebrate our marriage. It wouldn’t have made any insta pages but it was all about the people I wanted being there, and adapting venue etc accordingly for the budget. Nothing else. No regrets.

Do you think if they say they politely say they aren’t going because they don’t want to go if children aren’t invited that the brother is allowed to be upset with her? I think he will be and will probably cause a fuss and say she’s causing drama.

Well they've said they wanted it childfree with the exception of two flower girls. Plus we don't even know if he is close to his nieces?! My DH has only met his nephews a handful of times as him and his brother aren't that close so there wouldn't be an exception for his kids if we said it was childfree? There are other children we are closer to than his nephews!

I excluded children from my wedding...but my husband's cousins didn't think it applied to them. Their baby screamed throughout the vows...to the point that the registrar actually stopped midway through...they still didn't get the message to take the baby out. Had to be told to by another relative...

So yes, you are being really fucking over-dramatic and unreasonable. Both you, your husband, and your parents should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

I bet your brother and his fiance are wishing to God they'd eloped.

Well exactly. It says that they don't consider these children to be among their nearest and dearest. If that was how my brother felt, I'd be hurt and I don't think I'd want to go. But if that was how he felt, presumably he wouldn't care! So it would all work out fine, but it would affect the way I felt about him.

Flowergirls are not necessary at a wedding and should be from the bride's side. They are generally cute but a distraction. I am embarrassed by your mother asking your DB to include your daughters! That was very rude.

Your DC do not care if they see their uncle get married, much of a wedding is very boring for children. If they included your two, how many other neices and nephews, godchildren, offspring of lifelong friends or other children that they are actually closer to, would they have to invite? Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to but don't make a drama about it.