Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

My husband was asked to be best man and was told apart from the grooms two kids there would be no kids

no problem as I can see why they would do that. We got people to babysit and it was no issues

anyway come nearer the time the people who were going to babysit and they told us they couldn’t as one was very sick

they refused to change their mind which I kinda understood but seeing as my husband wasn’t just anyone he was the actual best man I thought they might budge and just allow us as it was an emerrgcny

but no they refused to I spent the entire weekend on my own

"Apart from the initial conversation between my brother and mother we have not become ‘hysterical’ in front of him."

So you're crying to your mom and she's gotten hysterical with your bro.

There's a lot of manipulation and triangulation going on here and it's not healthy.

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

Heavens to Betsy, I'm only surprised they haven't eloped already.

Their wedding, their decision.

OP - you need to stop comparing your DBs brother to your in-laws wedding and any other wedding - it’s irrelevant. You and your parents are making your DBs wedding about you and what you all want/ expect (ie you all expected them to plan their wedding like you and your in-laws). If this is the normal family dynamic then maybe that is why he has planned the wedding that he has.
your DB and SIL would have expected some sort of fall out following their decision yet they have still gone ahead with it- so you just need to decide whether you attend or not.

Yeah this. I very much doubt it's going to lead to trauma in their adult lives. I doubt they will even remember. My mum and dad went to plenty of events without me growing up - no idea whether they were weddings or not but don't think I could have cared less!

Are you closer to your parents than DB is? It sounds like collectively you’re against your DB and his wife to be. Have you considered they may have more pressing issues with SiL side of the family, weddings are a stressful business. Do you know Sil family? I think YABU because you’re making their day about yourselves. You are also inadvertently teaching your kids it’s ok to throw a strop and refuse to join in if you don’t get your own way when it’s simply not about you.

The Bride and Groom want their wedding, their way. Try not to be upset @GutsyPeachExpert

There is zero need for it to descend into nastiness and recrimination.

I'm sure your girls will have a lovely time with your husband's parents (assuming they'll be your childcare ofc) 🌻

Your mum already spoke to him and the plan didn't change.
Just let it go! It's no reason to be crying. Your kids dont really care.

I honestly cannot see what you are going to achieve from talking to your brother only causing more upset.

It is their wedding and not anyone else.

Flower girls are normally from the Brides side so it was a massive assumption for you and your mother to make that your dd would be flower girls.

It is a childfree wedding other than children in the Bridal Party again that is entirely the choice of the Bride and Groom. You many not like that choice but you have to respect it.

I think both you and your mother have to accept that it is their wedding not yours. The fact that your mother assumed that your inlaws would be invited is slightly bizzare.

Personally I would cop myself on and tell my mother, father and husband also to cop on. All of you go to the wedding and enjoy the day even if it is a wedding day you would not have picked.

Life is short and it is not worth falling out with db or dsil because of a childfree wedding.

yup but oh no, no hysteria.......

My brother not discussing the wedding is typical of him generally not because he thought we would make his wedding about us which we aren’t, we just want two well behaved children included as there are two other children invited.

You’re not making the wedding all about you - apart from:

Trying to decide that your children should be invited AND be flowergirls;

You and your mum crying because you haven’t got your own way, and your dad threatening not to go - to his own child’s wedding;

Complaining your brother isn’t being “forthcoming” enough about the wedding and that his fiancée wasn’t there when he told your mother he was getting married;

Complaining you have “never even heard” of the children who are flowergirls;

Expressing surprise that your in-laws aren’t invited…

Do I need to continue?

‘My in-laws reached out to my parents as soon as we became serious. They invited us all including brother’s then partner to many of their events and we were all invited to DH’s sister’s wedding.’

But they’re nothing to do with your brother and his future wife are they? I’m from a big family and I have only ever met my sibling’s in-laws at their individual weddings, it wouldn’t occur to me to invite any of them to any of my events.

I think what’s happened here is that you and your mum got wind of this wedding and you’ve both assumed that your DD’s would be flower girls, and you had already told your DD’s this, now it turns out that isn’t happening and your DD’s are upset, and you don’t want to take responsibility for that, so you’re blaming your SIL primarily and also DB.

I personally think child free weddings are a bit off, unless it’s a cost issue obviously, but it is their choice. The crying and hyperbole is way over the top though.

That’s sad though but understandable if people don’t get on very well. My mum and MIL chat all the time. I also know my sibling’s PIL quite well. If I was getting married now I would absolutely invite them to my wedding.

How close are you to your brother generally? Does he have a lot to do with your nieces.

Personally I’d speak to your brother yourself. Don’t get emotional on the phone but I would explain how hurt you are, especially as it’s not a child-free wedding. If it was my brother I’d speak to him, but then we are a fairly confrontational family (only amongst ourselves) and tend to speak up if we feel something isn’t right 😂.

It’s just party so I just wouldn’t even care

my own daughter wasn’t invited to my sisters wedding and I went on my own and had a bloody brilliant day / night and didn’t have to run around after a child all day

I'm really not sure I'd go to my brother's wedding if they hadn't invited my husband and children.

I wouldn't be at all upset if they eloped and had their special day just for them, but if you're having a wedding with guests in the first place surely the point is to celebrate with your nearest and dearest.

And if my brother didn't consider his nieces and nephews to be his nearest and dearest, damn right it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Our parents would be hurt too.

Yes, I chuckled at that too, because that is exactly what they're doing.

It's one thing being a bit upset that the DC aren't invited, but so far we've had:
Op and mum can't stop crying
Dh doesn't want to attend
Expectations of ILs of op's to attend
Dad now doesn't want to go
Mum phones to check.

Any part of that which doesn't sound like you making it all about you?

Dbr I urge you... Tell them you're going to elope. Honestly it wil be much better. Have your wedding with people that want to support you as a couple rather than people who think it should be done as they want. It will only get worse.

OP it is their wedding and they should be able to order it any way they choose.I am not a big fan of child free weddings, but their choice and if it were my DB I would be there no matter what, with a big smile on my face.

When dh & I got married, the only children we invited were our nieces and nephews (19 in total!)
If all our friends kids had come too, there would have been about 30 odd kids there. We had 72 guests in total, so not a massive wedding!
I wouldn’t in a bazillion years have not invited nieces and nephews, they are literally family. I think it’s super weird to exclude them.

Your mum and dad have had their wedding. You have had your wedding. They got to decide what they wanted, you got to decide what you wanted. Now your brother has decided what he wants.
Why on earth did you start making assumptions about what would happen? It isn't about what you want and you already knew this.

I think that's really shitty of them. In my opinion weddings should be about bringing families together and celebrating with loved ones. I feel their choice to exclude your children demonstrates exactly how important you all are to them and I would have a tough time getting over it.

YANBU to be upset, how you feel is how you feel. Though I personally can't understand how you and your DM keep crying about it, seems OTT to me

However, you and your DH and your parents are making this about your wishes, and it's not your wedding.

Your DF saying he doesn't want to go to his own son's wedding because his DGDs aren't going is controlling, he shouldn't be playing favourites or trying to manipulate your DB like that. It's up to the people getting married who goes, and threatening to boycott unless people who haven't been been invited get invited is not okay. You all need to dial this down before you alienate your DB.

God help SIL should she decide to have children. And also if she decides not to.

Well no. Weddings are about two people committing to each other, making vows and declaring their love for one another before entering into marriage.

This is where it's gone completely wrong.