Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

I would just decline the invitation for you, DH and DD's. I wouldn't want to go without them.

but no they refused to I spent the entire weekend on my own

Do you have a GoFundMe link?

Erm… she can’t decline the invitation for her daughters. They didn’t get one.

Their day, but choices have consequences.
I would be hurt if my brother didn’t invite my dc to his wedding but did have other dc there.
I’m not sure if I would go as I wouldn’t feel very wanted as a guest more that I was just asked out of duty and to admire the bride’s day.
I can’t imagine someone who behaves like this bride is going to be very concerned about family contact moving forward either.

Why are you and your mum making this all about you? It's not your wedding and you are being ridiculous. If it was your sister's wedding, then I could possibly see why you're hurt, but it's not, it's your brother's.

You have two choices - either go to the wedding without your children or don't go. It's that's simple.

You know what I meant 🙄

This is where it's gone completely wrong

I think what’s gone wrong in many western cultures is that for some couples, weddings have become about a self-centred bride and groom wanting to show off, rather than a joyful gathering of friends and extended family.

I think close family kids should always be invited. But the parents should also keep an eye on their children so they don’t misbehave. Esp during the ceremony. If all parties are considerate, then weddings can be inclusive and lovely.

But they will know this isn’t true. So it’s very obviously just an attempt to make a point.

This! If they really want you there, they will make an exception. But it is their day, and they can do it exactly how they want....

Well yes the brother is allowed to be upset that his sister won't come to his wedding unless he changes the wedding plans.

Possibly he and his DP were aware that OP might not come if DC weren't allowed,or possibly this will be a total shock, it's their choice to have a child free wedding and this is that choice playing out. We don't know whether they will be devastated and crying like OP, or have already assumed OP won't be coming and are okay with that.

It's the choice of the couple getting married who they ask, and it's the choice of the invitees whether they attend.

Do you think you are being funny, or do you get a kick out of making little unpleasant digs?

Do I?

Well me and DH just got married on our own with no family at all. Are we self-centred?

Oh come on. She spent a weekend with her own children. She wasn’t chained to a radiator.

Perhaps these OTT reactions from the OP, her DH and parents are the reason why more of her family are not being invited.

Good Lord….’Someone tell my heart’ - OP, this level of drama is a bit much. The bride can select whoever she wants for her bridal party, I think your first mistake was assuming your daughters would be in it. It’s much more usual for the bride to choose bridesmaids and flower girls from her side than the grooms.

No way would I miss my brothers wedding to strongarm them into inviting my kids. When my sibling had their small legal ceremony they didn’t invite me and my DH - they then had a big celebration overseas and we went to that. My parents were cross but I really wasn’t. Their day, their choice - it wasn’t about me/my husband or my kids.

Kindly, while I get we’re all the star of our own movie don’t make this about you and your children. Or ruin their day for them with you and your mum weeping and other family refusing to go. Unless there’s a huge dripfeed coming I’d just grow up a bit and understand we can’t always get our own way.

But why is he allowed to be upset?. Everyone criticising the OP is saying pretty much that no one is critical to the wedding other than the B&G and she is allowed to just turn him down for whatever reason she likes. Why should he care if she’s not there or not?

I find it odd from a pure emotional point of view. There is a special place in my heart for my nieces and nephew. Different to how I feel about my own kids of course but also different to how I feel about friends’ children. There is a special loving connection there. I could not imagine excluding them from my wedding, because my day was simply better for having them around. Shame your brother does not feel that. It must hurt.

I’ve seen an extended family massively fall out over this kind of nonsense. The irony of the aggrieved parents subsequently cutting off their children from their relatives for most of their childhoods wasn’t lost on anyone

You're not being unreasonable. I'd be really hurt too, as I was when my sister initially said that my two year old and two month old baby couldn't attend their wedding ceremony, meaning I would have been stuck in a car park. We had an honest talk and I said I wasn't travelling for days and spending a grand to attend for some of their closest relatives to be excluded. They then let them come.

Why have you decided it's the brides fault? It not her ' behaving like this', it's the groom who's not invited his nieces. She's invited some children, so in the evidence we have it's the OPs brother who's hardline no children, not the bride.

Did she say she was? Did she say she needed a go fund me link?

Quite. It’s the brother who has not prioritised his nieces.

In some cultures people don’t even get to pick their own spouses.

Personally I much prefer a society in which people can decide for themselves what they want their own wedding to be, rather than have it dictated to them.

You can have whatever opinion you like when it comes to your own wedding. Not sure why that needs to extend to anyone else’s.

It’s not what I would do unless I had had a family fallout/abusive relationship, but it is not mean, like inviting the bride’s family’s young girls but not the groom’s.