Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

She literally followed that sentence with "I know we're being unreasonable about this"

People are allowed to have emotions that aren't reasonable, we aren't robots.

I mean this kindly, but do you think that you might be overreacting about this? You will probably have a really good time going to the wedding without your children. A much better time than if you had them there.

I had the opposite experience where we were all invited including our children. It was just so hard that day. I missed the vows in the church because our little one was making noise so I took him out. I was continually keeping an eye out because they would disappear off into crowds of people and they were still a bit young to be on their own. I hardly ate or drank anything. It was hard to have conversations with people because of the kids. There was a road nearby that I was worried about them running onto. Then later on there were drunk dancing adults so a bit tricky with children running around. In retrospect, I wish that we hadn’t taken them.

i see your views but then if everyone had the children there then how many parent's would enjoy the wedding and focus on the couple vs trying to parent the children ?

so your advice to the BiL is to cut his family off?

My mother rang her own son to ask if I had been mistaken re: my children. She had an honest conversation with him.

We are not an hysterical family we are angered and upset because my children are excluded from my brother’s wedding.

We are not blaming my SiL, who I do like. She is of course perfectly entitled to have who she wants as flowergirls.

My brother not discussing the wedding is typical of him generally not because he thought we would make his wedding about us which we aren’t, we just want two well behaved children included as there are two other children invited.

My in-laws reached out to my parents as soon as we became serious. They invited us all including brother’s then partner to many of their events and we were all invited to DH’s sister’s wedding.

How many nieces / nephews are there? How many DC will be at the wedding

We had a child free wedding with the exception of our one niece from my DH's side.

We couldn't invite our friends' DC as there were loads of them.

I know it's 'their wedding' and 'they can do what they want' but I would be pissed off too, particularly if other DC will be there who aren't even related.

He doesn’t see your kids as family so you owe him NOTHING in terms of showing up and celebrating his day. Disgusting that he has left his family out. They are not some random kids.

This is why people elope.

Is it a little thoughtless of the happy couple? Perhaps. But it’s well within the normal range of wedding etiquette.

Tbh it sounds like a lot of expectation has been placed on the wedding by you and your parents and maybe others. Eg The expectation that your in-laws will be invited. It’s not your day - let the couple decide.

My advice - be happy for them. Book childcare. Have a fun day without your kids - it’s not like they’re babies anymore and they’ll be fine. Don’t kick off.

Like I said - this is why people elope.

My brother's wedding was the same - no children, including his nephews. I was a bit surprised but his choice and we definitely appreciated being there without our children!

The main thing was that everyone we spoke to thought it was awful that his nephews weren't invited, etc. etc. and I had to repeatedly stick up for my brother when the guests were all fine with it!

Are your DC close you their Uncle? This would upset me too but it just wouldn't happen in my family as there's loads of kids so I'm not sure how I'd approach it. I would probs be OK if it weren't for the 2 random flower girls - I think this would cause my siblings and parents to be very upset and just not attend

Op wanting your kids involved in your brothers wedding is not entitled. And yes your mum would be in tears.. and yes you can cry over it. I don't feel as if your posts are entitled, I feel like you're confused as to what the right way to feel is but you're upset about it understandably. Personally I think your mum should speak to your sil and brother together and ask why the girls aren't involved and I don't usually condone interfering ,but you haven't given any other detail to explain why they have left your girls out, so I think asking the question once might help everyone understand what's going on.

I had a child-free wedding, with the exception of my husband’s nieces and nephews who were invited because they are family. I didn’t have any of my own at that time so it didn’t affect my side.

To me, a wedding is a celebration of love and intention to make a family and live together indefinitely; it involves the unification of 2 families who support those getting married, and it is a social event of friends and family. So all immediate family is usually invited unless it is a smaller wedding, or there is an estrangement.

It must be very disappointing to feel un-valued by your brother, and to miss the opportunity of all celebrating together. However, it is not worth getting incredibly upset over, better to just accept it for what it is, and everyone on your side now knows that you don’t owe this new family any more loyalty or consideration that you have received yourselves.

Your future SIL doesn't know or care what your in laws did. Your brother doesn't care what they did.

She and your brother are doing things their way.

You keep bringing up what other people did and so fucking what. You guys are fucking over the top.

Keep going the way you are and your brother and his future wife will be estranged.

The wedding isn't about you.

The wedding isn't about your kids.

The wedding isn't about your in laws.

@GutsyPeachExpert

😱 "My in-laws reached out to my parents as soon as we became serious"

There’s not a snow balls chance I would go to this wedding without your kids, and this is coming from someone who doesn’t like kids at weddings! But they aren’t having a child free wedding like they claim, two other children are going, so they are choosing to exclude your children. I would just tell him you can’t go due to childcare (regardless if you could get it or not) and leave the ball in their court.

Agree . I can clearly understand why you feel hurt and snubbed ,because IRL that is how the majority of people would feel.

Apart from the initial conversation between my brother and mother we have not become ‘hysterical’ in front of him.

My children know their uncle is getting married as we saw no reason to keep it from them.

I firmly believe a bride and groom should be allowed to decide whether they want children at their wedding. I had my nephews at my wedding but my brother decided he wanted a child free wedding so my son stayed with my inlaws. Children do change the tone of a wedding no matter how well behaved. I understand feeling upset if you were expecting an invite but I wouldn't say anything to your brother.

You can be as upset as you like. It’s their wedding, so their rules. You either go, and celebrate with them, or you consider the exclusion of your children as a dealbreaker, explain that to them, and don’t go.

All I can say is that one day if they have children of their own they will regret doing this. We had a child free wedding but invited nieces and nephews apart from one who was only 2. I totally understand why you are upset but I doubt any good will come of tackling them about it.

“My brother not discussing the wedding is typical of him generally not because he thought we would make his wedding about us which we aren’t.”

But you are doing that, aren’t you?
You’re comparing his wedding negatively to other family weddings. Bursting into tears with your mum. Making it about your children.

No wonder he was so cagey about everything with you.

I can understand why you are upset @GutsyPeachExpert . I hate weddings and any big celebrations but what your brother and SIL are doing is quite nasty. Its costs nothing to let your daughters attend. I can understand if there were no children invited but that's not the case. Unfortunately though, weddings do cause a lot of trouble and arguments. I would have to confront your brother about this but be aware that the relationship might not be the same again. If my children were not invited I wouldn't attend. I couldn't sit there knowing my children were at home when other children were there.

Couldn’t imagine my mil and fil ringing my mother or father for a chat or a meet up. Don’t think they have ever exchanged a Christmas card tbh 🤣

When me and dh married we didn’t merge two families. We formed our own jointly as well as having our families. His mum is my MIL the IL but is pertinent. If I had to actually marry into his family I would of never 😬🤣

I think before you say anything you should have a think about what you hope to achieve by it. Your mum has already spoken to your brother, and I'd imagine she left him with at least some idea the decision wasn't appreciated. Yet there has been no change of plan. I think then it highly unlikely you will make them decide they were wrong not to invite your DDs, so the very best you'd hope for is an invitation under duress and knowing your DDs weren't really wanted. So, personally I'd resign myself to them not being at the wedding. From there, what will speaking to your brother achieve? You can speak your mind, let him know how upset you are, but that could have big implications for your future relationship. Your parents will also get involved and it could start a rift that will hurt a lot of people for a long time. Have a good think if that's your preference over going to the wedding and enjoying it child free, or if that's not practical, politely declining on the grounds of no child care. I get you're hurt BTW, but adding hurt on top of hurt doesn't make it better.