Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

I presume you missed the bit where they emailed and the OP refused to respond? This whole sorry situation could have been avoided. Yes, I can see that the OP is very traumatised and I feel for her. These people are probably very traumatised too. A brief engagement and shutting this down would be way more sensible all round and stop prolonging the agony.

The thread title is 'Called the police'
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Maybe they're trying to sort out their own lives?

It would be far simpler for the OP to respond to whatever they're asking, and tell them to go away and never contact her again if that is what she wants. By refusing to do that, she is leaving a glimmer of hope open to them that one day she may engage. If she wants peace, she needs to shut that down.

I don't think this is necessarily the case. It can be very personal and compelling to know where you came from, what your identity is. I can totally see both sides here.

If it is, then there are ways of dealing with it. We don't know what it is and neither does the OP.

Op isn't the one prolonging the agony. Her actions have been unequivocal, consistent and ultimately clear.

I can understand the coming to the door after no response to the email. But three times? And to hang around afterwards? That's not the behaviour of people that I would want to engage with either.

OP doesn't have to do anything, respond to anything or anyone. It's been made clear to these people she won't engage with them. Whatever they want from her, she is not under any obligation to give it to them. If there was anything in that letter vital to know, health or inheritance, OP's husband would have told her. I agree she needs a solicitor, at the very least a cease and desist letter is needed, she may even need a restraining order if these people won't leave her alone. OP is not responsible for anyone else's lives no matter who they are or claim to be. She needs to be left in peace to get on with her own life.

Yes, she is. Her actions have not been clear at all. She has avoided these people and for whatever reason, they are not willing to give up easily. She needs to be clear with them. Avoiding them is not the answer. Put yourself in their shoes just for a minute. It needs to be shut down decisively and clearly if the OP wants them to just go away.

I wouldn't take avoidance as an answer and I very much doubt you would either, if you just thought about it for a minute. Dealing with them firmly isn't going to worsen the trauma. It's just going to extend it.

OP's husband would not have told her because she does not want to be told.

She is the mistress of her own destiny here. If she communicates with them like an adult, by whatever method she chooses, she can give them any information if that's what they are seeking, and she can make it abundantly clear that she is not going to communicate with them any further. Once she has done that, if they don't accept it and persist in trying to speak to her, she can take legal action.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof i can't believe you're still on this stuck record point, as if the OP/her DH haven't been clear. You keep harking back to the initial e-mail and and how this 'might have been avoided' (and it might well not!), seemingly unable to grasp that not engaging means not engaging, and getting lost in this strangers-as-victims fantasy that you have no grounds for outside your imagination. Yes I know you'll simply come back a dozen times to say 'but we don't know because OP won't engage'. It's like some live demonstration of how engaging won't help because some people are simply too tunnel-visioned.

She did communicate with them - she gave them a note she had written

It absolutely is the case.

I have first hand experience of this. But my desire to ask questions does not trump other people’s rights to cut me out of their lives, even if we’ve never met, never spoken and I’ve never caused them a moment of harm. I have absolutely no right to impose myself on anyone else. And if I felt that I did have that right, then there would be something very wrong with me.

If you’d read my post you’ll see I was referring to the lack of reply to the original email sent by these people. I addressed the turning up at poor OP’s door in a separate paragraph.

Someone asks you something - always best to reply clearly and firmly rather than hope they pick up on your feelings by you not replying. There’s another thread active at the moment where the OP was interrupted by a colleague on a week’s break when she wanted to be alone. The colleague has now mentioned doing the same thing again (socialising in her mind, intruding in the OP’s mind). People responding are stressing the need to be clear that the OP doesn’t want her company. This thread is more serious but the principle is the same.

Why bin the letter?

I’d be inclined to keep that as evidence in case things escalate to be honest, your DH could file it somewhere you won’t accidentally come across it.

If there was nothing that important to explain why they wouldn’t leave the other day until they spoke to you, then it may be prudent to line up a solicitor, unfortunately pretending they don’t exist may not be an efffective guarantee that they will leave you alone now, especially if you don’t write back.

I don't think I'm the one who is "tunnel visioned".

You have no grounds for your assertions either, for the record.

Listen, it's clearly no skin off my nose either way. I just think the OP is being unreasonable. Just deal with it and move on.

You don't get to dictate to me how to think.

Ignorant, selfish pigs to think what they want to know overrides OP wanting nothing to do with them. What awful, selfish people.

In your experience, which is not universal.

I don't think that's fair! You don't even know what it is they want?! You don't know what trauma they are carrying too?

Have some people no compassion?!

I said 'ultimately clear'. I can understand the email, the first visit. Maybe even the second visit.

But to suggest that there is any doubt over the clarity of op's intent now is disingenuous.

And I absolutely would take avoidance as an answer. But I would never have behaved like that in the first place. I would have written a letter, left my contact details, and left the rest up to op. No answer would have been clear enough for me.

Her husband has retrieved the letter for that very purpose.

It doesn’t matter what they want. OP is not interested and does not need to be compassionate towards them, they were asked to leave several times and continued to stand around on her driveway ‘waiting’ for her. That’s intimidating and does not show any compassion towards OP.

He absolutely did !

These two clearly don’t.

And no, it doesn’t matter what trauma you have; you don’t get to force it on other people.

Take it elsewhere.

But you’ve said you wouldn’t take avoidance as an answer, so you’re clearly as selfish as they are.

Are you a stalker yourself by any chance?

You of course can think what you like.

you’re wrong though.