Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

100% that. Even if the 'visitors' have their own agony, it's not OP 's responsibility to damage her own mental health to relieve theirs.

This is clearly not your average lost family situation. OP 's brother feels exactly as she does and her DH is fully aware of the life she led and witnessed it. They are all on the same page, so I think we have to trust them all to know what's best.

Absolutely this, some absolute busy bodies on this thread wanting to know what the backstory is, when it has nothing to do with them, and won’t add anything to their lives except something to pass judgement on and gossip about

I would keep the letter and take it with you to the solicitor. You don’t have to read it, but it might help with action that is needed.
Sending hugs, it must be a dreadful situation for you.

The letter could be anything: begging for money; asking for information, eg a family member’s surname; apologising; asking if there could be any more siblings; offering an explanation of something; saying they want to keep in touch or arrange some kind of meet up, etc etc. Some of those are clearly more intrusive than others, and some could be dealt with along with a request for no further contact.

These people made initial contact by email. If that had been answered with a ‘not interested, please don’t contact us again’ reply, then the people might never have turned up on OP’s doorstep. It’s hard to know if they’re being malicious or are just desperate. My guess is they want to form some kind of relationship with the OP, which OP is quite entitled to absolutely refuse, but maybe a clear, concise answer would stop any further stress/contact.

It is astonishing how many trolls and thick-as-pigshit people there are on MN sometimes - the people saying maybe they came to tell you about an inheritance/medical matter, etc are seriously so stupid I’m surprised they can string a sentence together. 1.) They categorically were not coming to tell the OP about an inheritance, it’s not their place, a solicitor would do that and 2.) there is nothing that they couldn’t have said in an email, absolutely no reason to turn up at the OP’s door, and harass and intimidate her over several days.

OP - I truly hope you can put this behind you. I’m sorry that you and your DB clearly had a very traumatic childhood and it’s great that you have been able to build a happy family life for yourself. Great also that your DH is supportive with this situation. You do not owe these strangers - whoever they are - ANYTHING. Not an explanation, not a word. Whatever pain they may have experienced in their lives is nothing to do with you.

It would be advisable to get a solicitor involved to send the letter writer a formal letter stating that you wish for no further contact whatsoever, in the hope that will make them back off. And please also consider some sessions with a counsellor, as this incident has understandably been very unsettling and disturbing for you, and will have brought back some very painful memories.

I wish you, your DB and your family to continue to have a peaceful and happy future.

Yes, my only concern is that the letter has been binned. It's likely that a solicitor would be better placed to act for you successfully if they have a copy. If your DH could retrieve it, I suggest that he does. If it's existence upsets you, maybe he can keep it somewhere outside your home?

If the bin hasn't gone out, please consider retrieving and keeping the letter. Maybe your DH could do this and keep it a safe place like a locked box, even a place you don't know or out of the house? It's important evidence of the harassment.

FWIW I would not have thought they were genuine relatives as ancestry scams are going to become more common.

As they are genuine, and there's a history, the letter as evidence might be important to having your boundaries enforced if or when the past continues to intrude.

It doesn’t matter what they wanted to tell her, she has the right not to listen to it. OP has clearly suffered severe trauma as a result of her childhood and she needs to deal with it in whatever way she can. She is not responsible for someone else’s trauma.

It's not her problem, she owes them nothing. They need to sort out their own lives without harassing OP.

"maybe a clear, concise answer would stop any further stress/contact."

Maybe something like ignoring an email, slamming a door in their faces 4 times, the DH telling them to go away.....if only there was something op could do to make it clear.....

I agree entirely with this.

💐

Yes I do agree. DH has retrieved it. Thank you

It's also astonishing how many rude and sanctimonious name callers there are on here who think only thier own opinion is ever valid on a thread.

Yes. The comment about what her DB has suffered is quite telling. They just need to be left in peace.

I have a cousin who was born abroad. When he came to the UK to visit, he made no attempt to visit his mother's side of the family.

His mother had ceased all contact with them - one of the reasons why his parents had never moved back to the UK. After his father died, a friend of his father's took him aside: "Don't ever get in touch with your mother's family. They're a bad lot. You don't want to know them."

I found out that I have a half-sibling. I believe that they know who I am, though I don't know their name. For all I know, they might be a perfectly decent human being, but everything that I've been told about their family tells me to keep my distance. (Short version: the matriarch of their family broke off the engagement after failing to deprive my parent of their assets.)

As others have said, it's not always a Long Lost Family happy ending.

I definitely think you’ve done the right thing in retrieving the letter to show to the solicitor. It might give them a clue as to the most effective steps to help you keep them at bay in the future.

In your shoes, I’d treat getting a solicitor as urgent, eg, 9am Monday morning. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to these people that you might not be interested in hearing what they want to say to you, or that you won’t have read their letter. Now that they’ve told you (or they think they’ve told you) what they want, they’ll be expecting some kind of a response from you, so the quicker you get a solicitor, the quicker they’ll be told to leave you alone and you won’t be on tenterhooks every time there’s a knock at your front door.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Their insistence on speaking to you and overriding your own wishes is indicative that they’re exactly the sort of people you don’t want to invite into your life.

Indeed. Hiring a solicitor because some long distance relatives decided to contact you? 🤣

None of us know what is in the letter, so we can’t judge. What if it’s blackmail? Or extortion?

I’m sorry you have had to deal with all your trauma being raised again @Highfivemum -and glad you have a supportive husband who was able to step in and deal with this. Speaking to a solicitor is a good idea.

I’m also sorry you’ve had to read some of the responses on here from the ‘be nice’ clowns with no understanding of trauma and boundaries. Your only concern should ever be protecting yourself and your DB and it’s positive that despite your trauma you have been able to stick to that instinct. There’s no perfect way to respond so don’t think you ‘should’ have done things any differently.

"maybe a clear, concise answer would stop any further stress/contact."

Megifer: Maybe something like ignoring an email, slamming a door in their faces 4 times, the DH telling them to go away.....if only there was something op could do to make it clear.....

But for some people that’s not an actual answer. How are they to know she received the email if they got no reply? I was once ghosted by a friend because I’d ‘ignored her email’ - except I hadn’t as it had been caught by my spam filter. Whatever the initial email said, a reply would have been clear, and a firm and very clear ‘I’m not interested’ response could have saved all this hassle and upset.

Perhaps the email from these people suggested meeting up? Someone I vaguely knew but had never met suggested that to me once, along with general chat, in a letter, and I ignored that bit, mistakenly thinking that the fact I hadn’t said ‘Yes, that would be great to meet up’ tactfully communicated to them that I didn’t want to. Guess what? He turned up on my doorstep a few weeks later. Yes, it was horribly intrusive and a big shock, but I use it as an example because some people don’t think like us. What’s obvious to us might not be to them.

They were wrong to stay after the door was slammed in their face. They should have scribbled something on a piece of paper, put it through the door and not come back, but it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that they attributed the door slam to surprise and shock, knowing the OP’s traumatic background. Who knows?

My point is that it’s always best to be clear and not to assume people will pick up tacit messages or interpret them in the same way we do - which all started with the ignoring of the email.

Then the OP should contact the police.

Just tell them you have no interest. Don't say "I don't want anything to do with you" and that's it.
They are curious, you are not, so you must respect their side of things. Just talk to them in an adult manner.

@Highfivemum

I just want to say that you've done the right thing. And that your husband is a true gem.

Obvs if you feel you need to see a solicitor your DH feels there is something very upsetting/threatening in that letter. Even though you don't know specifically what it says, do you think it might be a good idea to see a counselor to work through all the issues this has brought up? Sometimes it's good to have someone who is not emotionally involved with us to speak to so we can say what we like without the fear that we're upsetting or worrying a loved one.

Best of luck and stay strong.

Poor man, that's horrendously cruel! How could anyone do that? I hope he lived a good life in spite of this x

A door slammed 4 times and being told to go away is not 'tacit'.