To think my husband acted awfully

[WHYohwhy12]

Basically found out last week surprise pregnancy. He said it's my body so up to me tho he doesn't want any more kids. Anyway then I have bleeding. Booked to have a scan today. They told me yesterday I was having one today. He said " I was tempted to book it off work" but he didn't ok.

But then I didn't hear from him till he came home from work. The scan was bad news. He works in a office and had a lunch break but didn't message me anything
He keeps saying he's at work so he can't just text me, and on his lunch he met with a colleague he manages, to chat cos they've been upset lately. He meets with him every week one lunch. I asked why he didn't meet him a different day and he says nothing. Then it turns out this man asked him if he wanted to play badminton so that's what he was doing at lunch whilst I was finding out I was having a miscarriage. He keeps sayinv he was at work so doesn't think about me..

Not even when this happens?? He didn't even tell me about the badminton,I found it out. I just think it's pretty shitty but he's still arguing that he did nothing wrong cos he was working and in lunch whilst playing badminton he was talking through now this bloke is getting stressed at work.

I feel like I'm going mad

“He's always been a bit suspect”

and yet you though ideal to marry and have children with?

Ah, I see my MIL has hit the thread... newsflash: just because your particular experience wasn't hugely upsetting to you, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same.

A lot of women find miscarriage deeply distressing. The least OP should be able to expect from her husband is that he supports her during tough times.

@WHYohwhy12 he is a poor excuse for a husband

Does your mum have a spare room ?
If so id go there . Start building your life around her soon enough child will be in school and you can get back to full time work.
Mr I am at work will Have to pay maintenance.

You and your child deserve better

From what you’ve written I’m guessing although shocked, you’re not entirely surprised by his behaviour. Focus now on getting through the next couple of days but after you really do need to be asking yourself some very hard questions about your marriage and your financial position.

He is a prick.
Please talk to Women's aid for advice and support.
Do not get pregnant again, not with this awful man.

You know he's awful.
Time to start planning how you get yourself out of this.
It will take time, but you can do it, if you reach out for support.
Wishing you well.

So he has a caring and empathetic face which he shows to the wider world, but your feelings don't matter.. It actually sounds like emotional abuse. And I am sorry to ask this, but are you 100% sure that this colleague he is 'supporting' is a man?

He completely checked out emotionally from you and from the situation. Can you go and stay with family for a couple of days?

He needs to realise how badly he’s behaved and try to make things right. Otherwise I’m not sure there’s a future in this marriage honestly because he’s behaved as though he doesn’t care about you at all.

Empathy bypass?

Yep, he dropped you very quickly, didn't he? That's what would bother me, didn't want another pregnancy so just cut you off instantly.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm going against the grain here, but did you contact him? I can understand why he might have not contacted you if he's at work and perhaps assuming that no news is good news.

If you messaged him, then he is being an arse. If not, I'd be more forgiving.

Doesn't mean he shouldn't be supporting his partner. Shitty behaviour from him 😞

If I was you I would start actively doing things to make myself less dependent on him, get driving lessons and do a course to try and get a better job. Look up free/subsidised courses in your area or see if you can get him to contribute to one. If he is that self involved and uncaring it could all end someday so you do need to get to a place where if that were to happen you would be okay financially and ideally able to drive. He is a shit and you cannot rely on him. I hope you are doing okay and not in too much pain!

Regardless of if he wanted a baby etc, he has not supported YOU.
He knew you were having a scan and that you would need his support, he didn't even think of you all day. Shows what a nice man he is.
So sorry for your loss xx

YANBU. You should expect far better from a DH and father of your kids. Even a kind colleague or acquaintance (let alone a friend) would offer to come with you for support and check how you are.

A miscarriage is very hard to deal with, emotionally and physically. Women going through it need lots of TLC. If he isn’t concerned, kind and caring at a time like this, he’s broken his wedding vows to love and cherish you.

If he doesn’t want more children, why isn’t he using contraception? I wouldn’t have sex with him unless he does.

If you don’t feel he loves you, then start planning a future without him. No huge rush. Take one step at a time. Get advice on your rights and entitlements, including on divorce and benefits. Start planning to get a better paid job, including any training courses or qualifications you may need. As the kids get older and more self-sufficient, you’ll have more options to work.

He’s equally responsible for childcare, so should be contributing at least half the cost if he doesn’t want to care for his children some of the time himself. So, if you work longer hours, you both should be covering the costs of extra childcare.

I am sorry for your loss. He said he didn't want another child but it was up to you. But it took two to get you pregnant. His way of dealing with it was to pretend it wasn't happening. Badminton instead of caring for your physical and mental wellbeing? That's remarkably selfish. I hope you are ok x

Echo what everyone else has said. He sounds horrific.

Also, he's not playing badminton.

this is an odd take; I wouldn't expect her partner to be as devastated as she is, as it wasn't what he actually wanted, but I'd expect empathy, phone call from work, and for him to come home and take care of her as it is a medical problem. painful, mentally draining, and fluctuating hormones -- yeah, not good. He should be there for her regardless

I've tried to say this to him many times. He wasn't always like this. Last summer his work did a big event ( not for partners just people for work there) free food and alcohol etc. I was meant to go out the week before for a night out but couldn't afford it ( I rarely go out) and then he went and bought two big bottles of spirits to take to the work do cos he asked his team mates if they wanted anything special. I was upset with him and said I couldn't afford to go out but you're buying alcohol you don't need for work people but he still didn't understand and said I read being ridiculous. He's quite often moody ( I get it young families are stressful) but he told me recently that one colleague says he was being moody. So my husband told me he decided that friendships are important so he tried to change his mood that day . Mother's day we took my mum out ( don't see her much) and he sat the whole time with his arms folded or on his phone. If I mention this he says I can do that when we visit his family ( I don't cos it's rude) I would feel less upset if he sometimes validated why I was upset but instead I get " I haven't done anything wrong" " I'm the worst husband ever" or " I'm sorry your upset". And he wasn't like this when he first met 20 years ago. It's been gradual but definitely worse after the last 5 years. To be fair he's never really had friends since I've known him and now he's got people from work but then I don't think they should be more important than me if I'm up the hospital

Honestly. Get divorced. You are so far down his list of priorities it's insane.

Imagine if you had to nurse him if he got ill though?

Do you honestly see yourself getting old with this emotional pygmy?

It does make you lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence though and, right at this minute, that is not what the OP needs. She’s just had a horrendous thing happen to her, her hormones will be all over the place and the one person who is supposed to love and cherish and support her has been nowhere to be seen. Do you really think that now is the time to be reminding the OP that her husband didn’t even want more children? Can you really not see how cruel and unnecessary that is? Because if you can’t, and you genuinely feel that’s a helpful and positive contribution, then perhaps you need to look inwards. She needs support for what she’s going through now. She can look forward to the next thing once she’s got through this thing.

And you’re welcome to call the rest of us ‘bitter and twisted’ if it makes you feel you feel better about your own responses on this thread. But it’s not true.

Are his team mates younger? With fewer ties? I wonder whether he’s decided that these are the people he sees himself being friends with, and he’s trying to emulate their lives.

It takes enormous levels of selfishness to do what he has done to you. You don’t deserve it and he doesn’t deserve you.

Yes they are younger and childless. One of them is about to have a child but generally they are all mid 20s, early 30s where as we are in our 40s

And he’s pretending he’s still young, free and single so he can fit in with them a bit better? That’s pathetic.

Maybe it's because I am from a different culture, but I think if only money is keeping you there, your options are much greater than you know! Women can find plenty of men to love them, take care of them at any age! You are worth something, your time spent making his life better is worth something no matter where you end up. 🤑😜 get it girl!!

I also would be worried that he could have played a part in your losing the pregnancy depending on the type of man he is, I just worry for "coincidences" these days. I made an account here just to wish you well, my dear! Here's hoping to your mind has opened a bit by now, nothing drastic, but moves towards a better feeling of life for you sooner than you would think now exist for you. 😌😇

You are practically saying it yourself without hearing yourself!! Time isn't going to improve this situation, perhaps only making it trickier.

My mom found her soulmate and 2nd marriage in her 40s!! Your chances to save yourself are only getting thinner from here sorry to be saying it, but I really want to save you somehow. You seem way too beautiful and full of life to be surprised by his bad attitude when it really gets worse some years from now he might even turn on you if he isn't even supportive of you by now he has no reason to age gracefully together that I can see. 😱