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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband acted awfully

132 replies

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 20:53

Basically found out last week surprise pregnancy. He said it's my body so up to me tho he doesn't want any more kids. Anyway then I have bleeding. Booked to have a scan today. They told me yesterday I was having one today. He said " I was tempted to book it off work" but he didn't ok.

But then I didn't hear from him till he came home from work. The scan was bad news. He works in a office and had a lunch break but didn't message me anything
He keeps saying he's at work so he can't just text me, and on his lunch he met with a colleague he manages, to chat cos they've been upset lately. He meets with him every week one lunch. I asked why he didn't meet him a different day and he says nothing. Then it turns out this man asked him if he wanted to play badminton so that's what he was doing at lunch whilst I was finding out I was having a miscarriage. He keeps sayinv he was at work so doesn't think about me..

Not even when this happens?? He didn't even tell me about the badminton,I found it out. I just think it's pretty shitty but he's still arguing that he did nothing wrong cos he was working and in lunch whilst playing badminton he was talking through now this bloke is getting stressed at work.

I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/04/2025 22:57

Your husband is a vile shit.

Wanting sex with you when you were grieving the loss of your sister.

Not even calling or texting you to check you were ok when you were having a scan to determine if you were miscarrying?

Go see a solicitor and check out benefits calculators online. Find out what you could get from him financially. He's awful.

Pandimoanymum · 01/04/2025 22:57

So he couldn't call or text because he was At Work. Except for the entire time he was having lunch and playing badminton (or squash, I forget) with colleague.
He'll go above or beyond for people At Work.
He didn't want to take the children to school when you were ill, because-let's hazard a guess- it might interfere with going To Work?
Basically, Work is more important than you.

As for the sex when you were grieving, him saying HE would want sex if it was him is irrelevant to how you should feel. You're not him, you didn't feel like sex and he should have been understanding of that.
He's not showing any care or consideration for someone he's supposed to love. You deserve so much better.

bridgetreilly · 01/04/2025 22:57

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 21:46

You can make this the thing that ends your marriage or you can manage it and move on. Things to remember

  1. it was an accidental pregnancy, not planned
  2. he said he doesn't want more kids
  3. he also said it was up to you

How he behaved today was nothing to do with the pregnancy and everything to do with how he feels about his wife.

Inertia · 01/04/2025 23:01

Sorry for your loss- miscarriages are awful, whether the pregnancy was planned or not.

Your husband is an arsehole. No employee should expect their line manager’s undivided attention for an entire day- he is making up excuses to avoid contact.

You need to play a long game to get your independence back .

Original poster
WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 23:04

Pandimoanymum · 01/04/2025 22:57

So he couldn't call or text because he was At Work. Except for the entire time he was having lunch and playing badminton (or squash, I forget) with colleague.
He'll go above or beyond for people At Work.
He didn't want to take the children to school when you were ill, because-let's hazard a guess- it might interfere with going To Work?
Basically, Work is more important than you.

As for the sex when you were grieving, him saying HE would want sex if it was him is irrelevant to how you should feel. You're not him, you didn't feel like sex and he should have been understanding of that.
He's not showing any care or consideration for someone he's supposed to love. You deserve so much better.

Yep he hates taking time off. He sometimes does work from home in the evenings ( doesn't need to just wants to)

OP posts:
Trovindia · 01/04/2025 23:06

What a fucking awful man. I couldn't look at him again. I would have to break up. I've had five miscarriages and I needed loads of support because it's bloody awful to go through, if my husband hadn't supported me we would be over.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/04/2025 23:07

So he's a work hero. Loves how his work colleagues think he's so amazing. Yet treats his wife appallingly. Yep, I know his sort. My exH was like this, everyone thought he was AMAZING. But he was an utter cunt to me, his wife.

WilfredsPies · 01/04/2025 23:07

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 21:46

You can make this the thing that ends your marriage or you can manage it and move on. Things to remember

  1. it was an accidental pregnancy, not planned
  2. he said he doesn't want more kids
  3. he also said it was up to you

Things that appear to have gone sailing right over the top of your fucking head:

  1. His wife was having a miscarriage and needed his support
  2. His wife was having a miscarriage and needed his support
  3. His wife was having a miscarriage and needed his support

OP, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss 💐 I hope you manage to find a way to leave.

bringonyourwreckingball · 01/04/2025 23:13

Please leave him they don’t get better and it destroys your self esteem. Ask me how I know. My kids are nearly adults now and I so wish I had left the selfish bastard earlier

LJ125 · 01/04/2025 23:17

I’m so sorry, I accidentally clicked YABU when you very obviously aren’t! I’m sorry for your loss and sorry that he’s not been any support at all for you X

Jeschara · 01/04/2025 23:18

Vile horrible man, wants to be a hero at work, but is a piece of shit at home.
He is inadequate and wants hero worship, but when it comes to stepping up for his family he really is found wanting.
He has shown what he is believe him.

HannahTheBanana · 01/04/2025 23:23

So sorry that you didn’t get the support you needed. Your husband should be there right next to you. It’s a very difficult time to go through.
im sorry for your loss op.

MumWifeOther · 01/04/2025 23:23

I’m really sorry for your loss.

YANBU, whatever the outcome you deserve your husbands support.

RuledbytheWashingMachine · 01/04/2025 23:38

How are you feeling about it all? Is he even interested?

He is a shit and he should be there supporting you. This would make me think long and hard about the future. Does he realise what life partners should do? If he doesn't want to step up I would move on. You might as well be your own given his behaviour.

I'm so sorry op 💐

Makingitorfakingit · 01/04/2025 23:44

vipersnest1 · 01/04/2025 21:35

He’s telling you who he is. Listen hard.
I’m sorry, OP.

This :( sad, but true.

so sorry OP 💔

Loreli1983 · 01/04/2025 23:49

So sorry you had sad news and your husband is being unsupportive. They really can be selfish pigs. I'd be really upset too with the lack of care - not even a text?! I went through similar (ish) 5 years ago. We had an unexpected first pregnancy and found out at an early 9 week scan that the baby had stopped growing a few days earlier. I was upset but my partner was pretty emotionless. I decided to let nature take its course. It took another 2 weeks for the miscarriage to start and I just needed him there emotionally but he wasn't. I needed and wanted to be held. The night I actually passed the baby he slept in the spare room. 5 years and 2 children later it still hurts that when I needed him most he wasn't there. I hope you have people who care around you. Sending love.

Original poster
WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 23:50

Loreli1983 · 01/04/2025 23:49

So sorry you had sad news and your husband is being unsupportive. They really can be selfish pigs. I'd be really upset too with the lack of care - not even a text?! I went through similar (ish) 5 years ago. We had an unexpected first pregnancy and found out at an early 9 week scan that the baby had stopped growing a few days earlier. I was upset but my partner was pretty emotionless. I decided to let nature take its course. It took another 2 weeks for the miscarriage to start and I just needed him there emotionally but he wasn't. I needed and wanted to be held. The night I actually passed the baby he slept in the spare room. 5 years and 2 children later it still hurts that when I needed him most he wasn't there. I hope you have people who care around you. Sending love.

Oh my god I'm so sorry that's awful. Is he more caring now?!?

OP posts:
mainecooncatonahottinroof · 01/04/2025 23:57

He should have been thinking about you. You were losing your and his baby!! It's unforgiveable. Is he normally a self-centred prick?

Sorry you lost your baby, planned or not x

Loreli1983 · 02/04/2025 00:01

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 23:50

Oh my god I'm so sorry that's awful. Is he more caring now?!?

Show quote history

He was but things aren't great at the moment. I must say he did come to each scan with me though. I needed 2 NHS scans to confirm the miscarriage because our very first one was a private scan. He was physically there but not in a way I needed. It was like he wasn't bothered. His reasoning was that he had never wanted children. He absolutely loves our 2 now!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 02/04/2025 00:04

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 22:41

He's always been a bit suspect. My sister died and obviously I didn't want sex for ages. He was funny with me and said if it was him he would still want sex... I remember vomited really bad all the way home on the school run ( a mile walk) with my son and I asked if my husband would take him in next day cos I felt awful. He did eventually but he kept saying "let's see how you are later". I wouldn't mind if he was like that with everyone but if someone at work is upset he goes " above and beyond" ( his words about the badminton) for his colleagues cos that's his job( that's not his job, he's a manager)

He's honestly crap but I have no money ( part time minimum wage job due to kids) no family except an elderly mum who lives miles away. I can't drive ( idiot!!) and rent is so expensive ( we have a shared ownership mortgage)

Show quote history

Listen sweetheart, you need to be finding a way out of that situation so that you are not beholden to him and don't have to stay with him. Fucking bastard got you pregnant - not only did he not take responsibility for that but left you to deal with the consequences when losing your baby! I don't think there's any coming back from that!

OK, make a plan. Start by learning to drive. Get a full-time job - bastardhooks can pay his share of childcare. Ditch the mortgage if you have to and either rent independently or move to where your mum is.

Demanding sex when you have been bereaved is beyond gross! x

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 02/04/2025 00:07

Don't let them fob you off waiting to pass the baby. I've had two miscarriages and pretty much after they were both detected, I had a D&C. I was paying for private ante-natal care and probably that helped (though bless my obs, he didn't charge me for anything until I had a successful pregnancy). When I knew the baby wasn't alive, I just wanted it over with.

Take care xx

RM2013 · 02/04/2025 00:10

I am sorry for your loss and planned pregnancy or not he was just as much a part of creating this pregnancy as you were and he should have cared enough for you and your feelings to support you through a difficult experience.

I would be seriously considering the value of this relationship. Sending you love and strength

Londog · 02/04/2025 01:06

You’re so vulnerable, yet you’ve been so courageous, going for the scan alone, after previously suffering a miscarriage. Having to deal with the sad scan result today, by yourself too xx
So sorry that you’re going through this emotional time; reaching out to you in your grief xxx❤️

Booboobagins · 02/04/2025 01:20

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 22:41

He's always been a bit suspect. My sister died and obviously I didn't want sex for ages. He was funny with me and said if it was him he would still want sex... I remember vomited really bad all the way home on the school run ( a mile walk) with my son and I asked if my husband would take him in next day cos I felt awful. He did eventually but he kept saying "let's see how you are later". I wouldn't mind if he was like that with everyone but if someone at work is upset he goes " above and beyond" ( his words about the badminton) for his colleagues cos that's his job( that's not his job, he's a manager)

He's honestly crap but I have no money ( part time minimum wage job due to kids) no family except an elderly mum who lives miles away. I can't drive ( idiot!!) and rent is so expensive ( we have a shared ownership mortgage)

Show quote history

Money is not everything @WHYohwhy12

I would get some advice from citizens advice. He really cares little for you.

Sending you a big hug. Not every man is like him and you should not live an unhappy life because you think you won't have enough money. This man is treating you like you dont matter. You do matter. And you can make it work, plenty of single parents do.

Good luck xxx

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 01:45

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 21:46

You can make this the thing that ends your marriage or you can manage it and move on. Things to remember

  1. it was an accidental pregnancy, not planned
  2. he said he doesn't want more kids
  3. he also said it was up to you

I agree.

What agreement is in place regarding contraception?

Tbh I’ve had early miscarriages. It needn’t be a huge drama.