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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband acted awfully

132 replies

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 20:53

Basically found out last week surprise pregnancy. He said it's my body so up to me tho he doesn't want any more kids. Anyway then I have bleeding. Booked to have a scan today. They told me yesterday I was having one today. He said " I was tempted to book it off work" but he didn't ok.

But then I didn't hear from him till he came home from work. The scan was bad news. He works in a office and had a lunch break but didn't message me anything
He keeps saying he's at work so he can't just text me, and on his lunch he met with a colleague he manages, to chat cos they've been upset lately. He meets with him every week one lunch. I asked why he didn't meet him a different day and he says nothing. Then it turns out this man asked him if he wanted to play badminton so that's what he was doing at lunch whilst I was finding out I was having a miscarriage. He keeps sayinv he was at work so doesn't think about me..

Not even when this happens?? He didn't even tell me about the badminton,I found it out. I just think it's pretty shitty but he's still arguing that he did nothing wrong cos he was working and in lunch whilst playing badminton he was talking through now this bloke is getting stressed at work.

I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
maybein2022 · 01/04/2025 21:56

I don’t understand the 9% of people who voted YABU. To not message your wife, who is having a scan knowing it could be bad news, is pretty unforgivable.

DonaldMacRonald · 01/04/2025 21:57

How hurtful. What a horrible man. I couldn't look at him the same way ever again. Do you have a friend or family member to speak to?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 01/04/2025 21:59

He may not have wanted another child but surely you'd expect him to care about his wife's medical/emotional wellbeing considering what she was going through.

Original poster
WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 22:02

Lovelytoseethesun · 01/04/2025 21:04

Oh this is so upsetting OP.
He is supposed to be your life partner. The pregnancy is as much his responsibility as yours.
But he wants his life to go on as normal and he put his colleague and his life before you and his unborn child.
I wouldn't be able to look at him the same again OP because you have now found out how little he cares about you.

Edited

And kept saying shows how little you care about me but he keeps saying he does care cus he called me as soon as he could ( when work finishes)

OP posts:
Original poster
WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 22:03

FriendsDrinkBook · 01/04/2025 21:04

I'm sorry that this has happened op , and yes , your husband has acted appallingly.

I left exh after a very similar incident involving his lack of care during a miscarriage.

How are you physically now op?

I'm ok thanks only bleeding a little. No pain. My hgc and progesterone are still high so have to go back in 48hours to have bloods done again x

OP posts:
LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 22:04

Do you still want to sleep with him after that?

Gemmawemma9 · 01/04/2025 22:04

Who the HELL is voting that you are being unreasonable?
he is scum. I am so, so sorry OP. 💐
Do you have supportive family and friends?

Original poster
WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 22:05

paintedpotoflove · 01/04/2025 21:44

I’m so sorry OP.

your dh has been very cruel and tbh he’s not worth talking about.

How are you doing? Do you have any follow up appts for d&c or medical management? Hand hold for you for anything that’s to come. I had a miscarriage almost 8 years ago and it was very draining. I underestimated how physically tiring it would be and how it would floor me. Please take care of yourself and know that, while it might feel like it, you are absolutely not alone and can pop on here and chat to us if you don’t feel ready to do it IRL.

sending love ❤️

Sorry you went through it too. I've got to go back in 48rs I have my bloods taken again cos hgc still high. I'm ok I've had MC before (years ago) and never had management just waiting for the bleeding to end. But I'm 6w and only really had spotting for a week.

OP posts:
Arraminta · 01/04/2025 22:09

Even your average, callow 16 year old lad would know this isn't how you behave when the girl you got pregnant is miscarrying.

Westiegirl3 · 01/04/2025 22:09

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 20:53

Basically found out last week surprise pregnancy. He said it's my body so up to me tho he doesn't want any more kids. Anyway then I have bleeding. Booked to have a scan today. They told me yesterday I was having one today. He said " I was tempted to book it off work" but he didn't ok.

But then I didn't hear from him till he came home from work. The scan was bad news. He works in a office and had a lunch break but didn't message me anything
He keeps saying he's at work so he can't just text me, and on his lunch he met with a colleague he manages, to chat cos they've been upset lately. He meets with him every week one lunch. I asked why he didn't meet him a different day and he says nothing. Then it turns out this man asked him if he wanted to play badminton so that's what he was doing at lunch whilst I was finding out I was having a miscarriage. He keeps sayinv he was at work so doesn't think about me..

Not even when this happens?? He didn't even tell me about the badminton,I found it out. I just think it's pretty shitty but he's still arguing that he did nothing wrong cos he was working and in lunch whilst playing badminton he was talking through now this bloke is getting stressed at work.

I feel like I'm going mad

I'm so sorry for your loss, I think your husband acted awfully.
My husband is MD of a huge company is run ragged whilst at work, but he would message me if I was going to the doctors with a sore finger never mind a possible miscarriage. He should be ashamed of himself.

Sending you hugs x

GinandRunning · 01/04/2025 22:09

Lovelytoseethesun · 01/04/2025 21:04

Oh this is so upsetting OP.
He is supposed to be your life partner. The pregnancy is as much his responsibility as yours.
But he wants his life to go on as normal and he put his colleague and his life before you and his unborn child.
I wouldn't be able to look at him the same again OP because you have now found out how little he cares about you.

Edited

1st post nails it

Booboobagins · 01/04/2025 22:10

So sorry @WHYohwhy12

Your DH is ooo but then he didn't want the kid did he? Problem is its not just the baby that is affected, you are. How does he normally treat you? Im seeing red flags.

Cerealkiller9000 · 01/04/2025 22:12

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 20:53

Basically found out last week surprise pregnancy. He said it's my body so up to me tho he doesn't want any more kids. Anyway then I have bleeding. Booked to have a scan today. They told me yesterday I was having one today. He said " I was tempted to book it off work" but he didn't ok.

But then I didn't hear from him till he came home from work. The scan was bad news. He works in a office and had a lunch break but didn't message me anything
He keeps saying he's at work so he can't just text me, and on his lunch he met with a colleague he manages, to chat cos they've been upset lately. He meets with him every week one lunch. I asked why he didn't meet him a different day and he says nothing. Then it turns out this man asked him if he wanted to play badminton so that's what he was doing at lunch whilst I was finding out I was having a miscarriage. He keeps sayinv he was at work so doesn't think about me..

Not even when this happens?? He didn't even tell me about the badminton,I found it out. I just think it's pretty shitty but he's still arguing that he did nothing wrong cos he was working and in lunch whilst playing badminton he was talking through now this bloke is getting stressed at work.

I feel like I'm going mad

-10000000% he should of supported you with this

not playing badminton

km so sorry

Endofyear · 01/04/2025 22:14

I'm so shocked at the callous and cruel behaviour of your husband. Whether he wanted the baby or not is beside the point - he should have been with you for the scan. No ifs or buts, his place was to be with his wife supporting you through an awful time. I really don't think I would forgive him, ever. He doesn't deserve you.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 I hope you have family and good friends to support you x

GinandRunning · 01/04/2025 22:15

Oh and I wouldn’t be having sex with him again , seeing as
A) he’s not taking any responsibility for an unplanned pregnancy eg it’s up to you
B) showing not even basic concern when you are bleeding - he could have booked the time off but chose not too
C) clearly cannot be bothered to support / show care for the person he is supposed to love whist they are experiencing the loss of this pregnancy

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/04/2025 22:16

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 21:46

You can make this the thing that ends your marriage or you can manage it and move on. Things to remember

  1. it was an accidental pregnancy, not planned
  2. he said he doesn't want more kids
  3. he also said it was up to you

All of that is irrelevant.

When someone you are supposed to love is going through a hard time, you support her. You don't play fucking badminton.

DeskJotter · 01/04/2025 22:18

I am so sorry, you deserve better than this x

Isthiswhatmenthink · 01/04/2025 22:27

Wow. He’s a cunt. I’m so sorry OP.

Grammarnut · 01/04/2025 22:34

So sorry. Miscarriage is always misery. 💐

Original poster
WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 22:41

Booboobagins · 01/04/2025 22:10

So sorry @WHYohwhy12

Your DH is ooo but then he didn't want the kid did he? Problem is its not just the baby that is affected, you are. How does he normally treat you? Im seeing red flags.

He's always been a bit suspect. My sister died and obviously I didn't want sex for ages. He was funny with me and said if it was him he would still want sex... I remember vomited really bad all the way home on the school run ( a mile walk) with my son and I asked if my husband would take him in next day cos I felt awful. He did eventually but he kept saying "let's see how you are later". I wouldn't mind if he was like that with everyone but if someone at work is upset he goes " above and beyond" ( his words about the badminton) for his colleagues cos that's his job( that's not his job, he's a manager)

He's honestly crap but I have no money ( part time minimum wage job due to kids) no family except an elderly mum who lives miles away. I can't drive ( idiot!!) and rent is so expensive ( we have a shared ownership mortgage)

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 01/04/2025 22:48

GinandRunning · 01/04/2025 22:15

Oh and I wouldn’t be having sex with him again , seeing as
A) he’s not taking any responsibility for an unplanned pregnancy eg it’s up to you
B) showing not even basic concern when you are bleeding - he could have booked the time off but chose not too
C) clearly cannot be bothered to support / show care for the person he is supposed to love whist they are experiencing the loss of this pregnancy

All this. Callous awful behaviour

Crazyworldmum · 01/04/2025 22:48

That’s so bad I would divorce him over it . I vem if that baby was not planned he knows you could be having a miscarriage and he doesn’t seem to care about you at all ? Sorry that is absolutely vile and shocking. As someone who had miscarriages my partner knew to well it was hard and he never left my side . I would honestly reconsider your relationship as I doubt he even had feelings for you

CalleOcho · 01/04/2025 22:51

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 21:46

You can make this the thing that ends your marriage or you can manage it and move on. Things to remember

  1. it was an accidental pregnancy, not planned
  2. he said he doesn't want more kids
  3. he also said it was up to you

Your complete lack of empathy is astounding.

Meatiballs · 01/04/2025 22:51

Your husband ought to be ashamed of himself. He is disgusting.

Mine was awful when my Mum died - I drove 200 miles to go home to family after I got the news. Husband didn't contact me for 48 hours & then it was a text! 🙄
He didn't even know I'd arrived safely!

BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2025 22:53

Oh op I’m so sorry.

And yanbu. Your husband has behaved appallingly.

take care if yourself

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