How do you handle your Sis-in-law relationships?

[ThePerfectStormPrincess]

How much do you have to do with your SIL’s? I want to know if this is normal-ish.

I have 4 SIL’s, we are all 50’s. None of them live very near me, the closest is about an hour and a half. I see them a couple of times a year. I get along really well with 3 of them ( my brother’s wives). I’ve known them for decades and when we meet we have a lovely time.

In contrast, my other SIL irrationally makes my blood boil and turns me into someone I don’t recognise. It’s my DHs sister, who I’ve known for 3 decades and she just winds me up no end.

I’m now 50 and I’ve told my DH that I just don’t want her in my life. He of course can go and do what he likes with his sister, but I don’t want to be included, and I’m not hosting her and her DH who is an arrogant arsehole. Even though DH thinks his sister’s behaviour is pretty awful, he’s upset that I’ve said this. I am not being rude to her, I just don’t want to hang out with her. It resulted in a very big argument. I don’t make my DH do anything with my family.

One of main issues I have with her is that I feel she is “in my face” whereas my other SILs aren’t. An example is other SIL has huge opinions on the things we do/buy/ choose/ adult DC and voices them usually negatively to our face or via MIL. I just don’t think anything we do is any of her business. Perhaps DH, but not the rest of us.

I’ve said “no thanks” or “I’m busy” to a few invitation's and it’s caused a bit of an atmosphere but TBH she’ll ignore or be snotty to me if I’m there so I don’t want to go.

How do I navigate this with my DH? He’s upset with me. I’d love a relationship with her like my other SIL’s but it’s never going to happen as she basically sees me as an interloper and has never let me forget it and now I just CBA with her drama.

YABU - get along with her for DH’s sake
YANBU - you’ve been a mug for putting up with it for 30 years

I like my brother's wife. I'm not a fan of my husband's sister! She's loud, brash, rude, and thinks the world revolves around her (like my mil)

But ... I'm not perfect either! 😉

And I'm of the opinion that this is what family is all about. You see these crazy people and put up with them, and they do the same with you, for the sake of the other people you love. My husband has a right to see his sister and for us us to be civil. My children have a right to get to know their aunt and cousins. It's also important for my husband to feel supported and for my children to see that we are all different and not everyone is like them or their mum etc..

My sil has never done anything massively bad (she's not a sex offender, hasn't murdered anyone, isn't a risk to children or me or my DH) so I just put up with it. We only see them 3 or 4 times a year. That's not a lot really and it's important to my husband. This is what families are I guess! At Christmas I just manage it all by eating choclate and smiling!! 😉

You don't all automatically get on because your family, thought everyone knew this.
You don't have to have a relationship with any sil
Friends are the family we choose for ourselves

I wouldn't worry.

I love both my SILs dearly and really wish we all lived closer, but good grief if I never saw my BIL again...

I have 5, 2 I like and consider them friends, 2 I see about every 2 years and it’s pleasant enough, 1 I hate and avoid.

We make polite, awkward, chit chat at family events. We have absolutely nothing in common except that our husband’s are brothers. The two brothers have little in common so it is hardly surprising.

my view on most family is you can manage to talk about the weather with just about anyone a few times a year at an obligatory family gathering.

I have 3, 2 I love and we spend a lot of time together the other 1 I tolerate and only see when I have to I just keep it polite

DB and wife live in Australia. I get on ok with her but they’ve been gone years anyway!
I have two SILs that are DH’s brother’s wives. We get on well but don’t see each other that often even though we live within 20/30 mins of each other. We get together as a family for all DC birthdays and at Christmas and occasionally a coffee with one of them as we have similar stage chn. The other has younger dc so doesn’t have much free time.
MIL I keep to a minimum and DH sees her a lot on his own. It did cause some arguments but he gets it. She’s not nasty just annoying.
My BIl( sister’s partner) is an arse that I avoid and tolerate if I have to.

I have one SIL, my DH's sister. We manage to maintain a polite façade when circumstances bring us together but although neither of us is a bad person we're really not one another's cup of tea.

DH has one sister and three brothers who are all married to women who are between 10 and 25 years older than me. We’ve been married for 28 years

His sister is batshit crazy and I have refused to have anything to do with her for at least 15 years. Very little to do with her 10 years before that. She has multiple personality disorders and screams at people a lot. I see her when there is a family wedding christening or funeral, that’s it. DH can’t stand her either but she was living with his mother for years so he could not avoid her. But I stopped going to see his mother too as his sister is crazy and not my problem.

other SILs are fine but I don’t really have anything much to do with them save if our husbands arrange some get together. I see them about annually- generally the brothers meet up alone or go to the cricket together or something. Interestingly their kids (all in 20s and 30s now) told me that they admired how I just was not prepared to deal with the mad sister and just absented myself. They all hate her as she was shitty to them as kids and they try not to see her either.

in your situation I wouldn’t see the sister at all. Just absent yourself.

We are polite to each other but we have nothing in common apart from that her brother is my husband. We raise our children entirely
differently. We enjoy different holidays. She has zero time keeping skills that I find infuriating.

I come from a seriously dysfunctional family as does DH. These days we give them all a pretty wide berth. Works for us.

I had a similar conversation with DH recently about one of his sisters who has good points but she is very overbearing in more or less everyone’s eyes, and we have come to a decent understanding now. Family is complicated.

I have two SILs. One I find a right pain in the backside and unfortunately that’s the one that lives nearby and we have to see often. The other lives abroad. Tbh, I say just shrug and ignore her nonsense. Not sure it’s worth having a fight with your DH if you don’t see her often. Surely at 50 you can see how silly she’s being and find some way to laugh at it all? Next time she voices her unwanted opinions, just say “opinions are like genitals - we all have them, they’re usually ugly and we rarely air them in public”. Then tell her she can’t take a joke if she objects.

It’s interesting how many women don’t get on with their husband’s sister. I suspect this stems from jealousy from both women.

Dh’s sisters are some of my closest and best people. We go on girls holidays together, they are just so kind and lovely and fun. They all live within a 10 minute drive from us. Welcomed me in from day 1 and the 4 of us have a blast together. Never more grateful to have them in my lives than when I read threads about people who have difficult relationships with their in-laws.
My brothers wife and I on the other hand have a good relationship when we see each other, get on well, used to regularly meet up just us and the little ones when they were all small but don’t see much of her now. We are very different people but I love her all the same.

I have 3 who are just lovely and 1 who is a nightmare. I don't have any contact with the nightmare one.

I have 2 - my Brothers wife, and my husbands sister .. get in great with both of them. I see my husbands sister, more than he sees her .. we have a regular meal our together every couple of months. My Brothers Wife .. see her loads, we were preggers at the same time, which was lovely. Both have been supportive of the struggles I’ve had with my disabled child. Lovely people.

I don't like my husbands sister, fortunately she emigrated to NZ , so weddings and funerals are the extent of required contact!
And no jealousy involved, she is a bitter nasty woman with a drink problem. Her family tolerate her , I don't have to.

I have two SILs - one is DH's sister, one is BIL's wife.

Relationship with both is entirely driven by how often DH wants to see his siblings which is 1-2x a year.

We have more in common with the sister and get on pretty well when we meet.
Less in common with the brother, again get on well when we meet but I think that SIL v much doesn't see it as part of her role to be in with her brother's family so she tends to be busy doing something else.

OP if you have 4 SILs and get on with 3 of them, I think you are doing well. Early on I had to remind DH that we saw his parents for his benefit, not mine. It might be the same for you and your DH's sister - she's his sister, his relationship, his problem.

Wonder if there is a correlation between the sils who are tolerated also maybe having mils who feels their baby boy was stolen away.

So the women of the family feel “their Man” was stolen jointly. Then a man being used to being babied by his mum/siblings.

Honestly? I live 100+ miles away... I genuinely like my husband’s sister, but she's a good deal older than us and in a very different place in her life. My brother's wife would drive me nuts if I felt that I had to spend a significant quantity of time with her, but I don't, thankfully

It really doesn’t. DH and his brothers all can’t stand her. She has never had a proper job, lives in a caravan in a field and has always leeched off her mother’s money until it ran out. She has been a lifelong issue and remains one even now she is aged 70. There is nothing remotely to be jealous of.

Ha. My DH was the 5th kid, raised by a nanny and then sent to boarding school aged 8. MIL barely noticed him. Certainly nobody felt his wife stole him 🤣🤣

I have two SILs, both my DH's sisters. One is lovely and one is a nightmare. The lovely one also finds the nightmare one a nightmare.

DH and I both get on very well with the lovely one and look forward to seeing her, which is only two or three times a year but, when we do, we genuinely enjoy it. We would happily see her more often.

We both dread seeing the nightmare sister, mentally girding our loins beforehand and literally biting our tongues in her presence. She's rude, overbearing, controlling, has a 'creative' relationship with the truth and is given to tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. She regards herself as the matriarch and 'keeper of the family'. My DH says she's always been rude and domineering and she HATES not being the eldest (he is). I think he's right. She tries to dominate him and me by extension.

I smile, don't rise and try not to drink so much that I'm tempted to tell her to shove it. DH can occasionally be a bit more forthright because he's her brother and it blows over as a sibling squabble. But she's not my sibling and I think it would lead to lasting divisions and awkwardness if I said anything. Fortunately our meetings are infrequent enough our approach is sustainable. If it was more often I think I would find reasons why I couldn't go and leave DH to see her on own.

One SIL. She is a really lovely person, but the reality is that we are chalk & cheese. She is a devoted mum and her life revolves around her children. I’m childfree by choice. She still lives in the town where she grew up. I left my hometown to go to university & never went back. She is interested in fashion & celebrities & Love Island & social media. I’m interested in sport, politics and travel. I don’t use social media. She once suggested we go for a pampering spa day together. That sounds like my idea of torture. I would much rather go for a long hike or bike ride, which is her idea of torture. You get the idea…

We get on fine when we meet & we both make an effort but it’s never not hard work. We just have nothing in common and if we were not in-laws we wouldn’t be friends.

YANBU.

What is DH problem? He can see his sister as often as he wants I presume?

Does he want you there to absorb the toxicity? Just tell him it isn’t happening.