To think this packed lunch is fine?

[Lunchwoes]

So about a month ago DSD switched from hot lunches to packed lunch. She goes to school from our house Monday and Tuesday so I pack her lunch.

Today her Mum has text DH and said she's always starving when she gets in Mon and Tuesday so she needs bigger lunches. He said no problem we will make them a bit bigger or pack an extra snack for later as she has netball on a Tuesday after school.

Now this is the crazy bit, she said she just buys her Tesco meal deals as they fill her up and asked that we do the same!

For info she had a cheese and tomato omelette with a slice of toast for breakfast. Her packed lunch was a roast chicken and salad wrap, apple slices and peanut butter, a Greek yogurt and some celery sticks with hummus.

I will obviously very happily pack extra if she's hungry but a tesco meal deal?!

Umm, why are you getting involved? Am I right in thinking she’s not your daughter?

Surely what the mum says goes. Even if you don’t like it.

I wonder whether you like feeling superior.

I'm getting involved as I make lunch for all the family so it would be weird to say oh im not making hers as she's not my daughter. I'm sure I would be getting slated for that if I did. I've probably made a mistake in posting as it is clear MN is not a supportive place for step mums even ones that are trying their best to do right by the kids. I'm not naive enough to think that posters own experience with their exes and new partners doesn't colour their opinions of step mums on this forum.

As far as what Mum says goes well yes in her house but at ours what Dad says goes and he is in full agreement. He does not dictate what DSD eats at her Mums house so I don't see why Mum should when she is in our care.

And I do say in our care as I have been in her life for 10 years and and am mother to her little sister and we work as a family unit.

900 calories on lunch is so ridiculous

It could be that all her friends have a sandwich and crisps and a drink, maybe a whole apple (rather than sliced up with peanut butter) and she doesn't want to be the one to get out lots of little pots of hummus and celery etc.. I had a similar issue as a teenager and remember saying to my mum that I just wanted a sandwich instead of pesto pasta. I also didn't sit at a table every day to eat lunch which mum didn't realise.

Yes, that is possible. My son took two sandwiches, an apple, a small kitkat or penguin and a drink, sometimes a packet of crisps. That's what most did. Lunch boxes were not inspected, kids sometimes swapped things or shared. He always had a good, hearty and healthy meal in the evening so I didn't worry too much as long as he had enough to eat,

I was 12 when six of us persuaded the school to allow us to take packed lunches and sit on the stage behind the curtain so as not to influence more kids to join us. It's a long, long time ago but I remember having a flask of soup in the winter, a cheese roll or sandwich, an apple and a small biscuit wrapped in a bit of greaseproof paper. That's it. Oh and a glass of water.

I bet she's not eating that lot. If all her mates are eating Tescos meal deals she is not going to pull out apple and peanut butter from her bag. She already switched from hot lunches to packed lunch to be like her friends.

We all know yours was healthier, but that's not what's important to a 12 year old. I'd say pick your battles and just let her have the meal deal.

(Grandmother to a 12 year old girl!)

what Dad says goes

And yet your posts all day ‘I’: ‘I can’t bring myself to send her with a sugary drink’ ‘Can I sneak some fruit in hahaha’

I just sense you are somewhat proud of being the healthy influence here and your intention here is thinly veiled criticism of her mum.

I really hope you’re not doing that in front of your stepdaughter.

If it’s truly her Dad’s decision then you simply need to ask him what she should have.

Quite the reach there, you're just inventing your own narrative about our relationship. I never say anything bad about her mum in front of her. I get on fine with her Mum.

Apologies for not wanting to give her sugary drinks and wanting to sneak a bit of healthy food into her diet. I'll be sure to wear my evil stepmother badge when I go out later.

That’s a good lunch you packed for her .
I wouldn’t buy a Tesco meal deal lunch as that’s only a main ( sandwich/ wrap / pasta salad ) with a drink and a side ( crisps , snack bar or yogurt)
I would pack an extra snack for her or an extra wrap since she’s playing netball after school.

OP, could you please pack MY lunch instead?

I never find wraps that satisfying and I suspect hummus etc ends up in the bin. Sandwich, fruit (picky bits rather than a whole apple or orange) and a cereal bar are probably the best options. Extra snacks if she's staying after school for a Club.

It’s somewhat hypothetical anyway as you haven’t said that your DSD has complained about only being allowed water but I am picking up on your comment that you can’t bring yourself to allow her to take a sugary drink. She is getting to an age where you are going to have to allow her to make her own choices though or she is just going to make them anyway but behind your back.

Modelling healthy choices is the best way to help her make good decisions for herself but that is about what you do yourself, not enforcing rules now your DSD is older.

It’s not a criticism, it’s advice. I’m sure you are right about the risks of sugary drinks. I know more about the development of the prefrontal cortex than teeth 😂 You are going to get a crash course in that now you have a teenager in the house 😂 As I said in a previous post, you sound like a caring, kind SM who is doing a great job.

I voted YABU, because this shouldn’t be an opportunity to ‘diss’ your DSD’s mum.
Just send her to school with more food, and stop the smug comparisons. You are better than that.

@Lunchwoes
It sounds fine to me but why are you slicing the apple? That might be something that her friends laugh at.

I would give her a whole apple and also include a packet of crisps.

Kids are always starving when they get home from school aren’t they?! Make the wrap a sandwich instead might be more filling, or two wraps? Meal deal might work for her mum but your home made lunch is fine.

The ingredients list for the chicken and bacon pasta is longer than it has any right to be! Sugar? Maltodextrin? Stabilisers and preservatives? Not exactly what I want my children eating as a regular meal every day.

This stuff along with all these ‘fruit bakes’ and cereal bars and kid-friendly yoghurt is packed full of stuff that isn’t actually proper food 🤷‍♀️

Forgot the pic!

Does she like popcorn? Proper brand stuff is good, a handful or two of that and maybe some cheese alongside? Cathedral City do prewrapped sticks that save time as you can just chuck one in and the wrapping gives it more of the popular UPF aesthetic from the outside

Kids are supposed to feel hungry after school! That's when they get toast/sandwich/yoghurt/fruit while waiting for dinner! Why would you give a child essentially 2 lunches?! They're only going to eat the other lunch after school!!!

In most cases, they are UPF. You have to concentrate and read the ingredients to find either non-UPF, and those which are are vastly more expensive. Just checked the Sainsbury’s website and there are 25 hummus’. None are UPF-free (although maybe I’ve missed one).

Greek yoghurt is better than flavoured yoghurt, but flavoured yoghurt is not automatically worse than peanut butter or hummus. It depends what’s in them.

There isn’t actually many calories in what you provide her with, at that age they need a fuck load of carbs. Even my three year old has more calorific meals.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/childrens-weight/healthy-weight-children-advice-for-parents/

Your packed lunch sounds great.

For context, my 12 year old makes his own sandwich for his packed lunch (eg fish paste and mustard/ salmon and mayo with cress/ egg mayo with cress) everyday. Once/week he chooses leftover Indian snacks and nan bread. These choices are always accompanied by a box of salad (lettuce , cucumber, tomato and radish). He takes a bottle of water. No crisps, sweets or sugary drinks: his choice.

NB He is autistic and likes the routine of have specific things on specific days. He chooses lots of fish because he likes it and knows that it promotes healthy brain development.

I guess he does get more carbs than your daughter because he generally chooses a sandwich rather than a wrap.

He goes to clubs at lunch and after school almost every day. Sometimes he eats lunch at breaktime so he has more time at his lunchtime club: his choice.

I expect him to be hungry by the time he gets home between 4 and 5pm and have the kettle boiled for a cuppa and a variety of heathy snack choices at the ready.

Usually he chooses tea with milk or plain Bovril with a small bowl of nuts/wasabi peas/chilli coated peanuts/japanese peanut crackers or a small sandwich (always containing protein). This doesn't mean that the lunch he chooses is inadequate. It is just that he is a growing boy and needs to eat often.

I would not get him a meal deal, nor would he want it. They are expensive and less healthy than what he chooses to make for himself.

I think that your plan of taking your DSD shopping so that she can choose is an excellent idea. Maybe she would like to make her own lunch as well, like my son does, so she is in control of her portion sizes.

Like all children, your DSD just needs to eat often and that includes a healthy snack when she gets home from a busy day at school. This is completely normal. Please do not be persuaded that her need for an afternoon snack indicates that her lunch is inadequate. This is quite wrong.

I wonder if her Mum is critical of your lunch because she is too lazy to ensure that her DD gets a decent homemade packed lunch and can't be bothered to provide her with a drink and a snack when she gets in from school.

Keep doing what you are doing. You got this.

OP I think the lunch is perfectly healthy, just let her add a few extra snacks or switch things around. I would not be buying meal deals everyday or fizzy drinks.

I do think secondary school is a long day, presumably she has breakfast between 7-8am, then lunch between 12-1pm and is home between 4/5.30pm. That is a long day for teenagers. At primary school they have snacks (toast AM/Fruit PM) as well as lunch.

I also do remember not really sitting down alot at lunch time, so food that is easy to eat is a plus. Maybe one of those pouches of yoghurt (they do extra protein ones) and a whole apple, banana, healthy snack bar etc, let her choose those items herself and prepare her own lunch.

But also this all seems a bit dramatic if she is genuinely just ready for dinner when she gets home, if she is peckish before dinner have a snack or piece of fruit! My son regularly has a banana and a rice cake after school to tide him over before dinner.