To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

So, you took out massive loans for home improvements but then had £40k leftover and instead of paying back the loans, you handed that over to the child of a friend… a friend who is supposedly wealthy. And that friend had already started the money talk by apologising that they couldn’t help with your renovation costs even though you never asked them to. So, they were planting the seed of lending money to friends and also carefully finding out if you had much money to spare because I’m sure you answered, “oh, we have £x amount so don’t need any money from you, that’s ok.” They were just feeling around to see how much money you had and then bam, they ask to borrow it with nothing in writing and your husband just transfers it over?

As this was for a down payment on a house, there will be paperwork saying this money was a gift and not a loan, otherwise the son wouldn’t have got a mortgage. So you’re in trouble. And your husband is an absolute idiot. Trying to play billy big balls and flash the cash; cash which you don’t have. That money is the bank’s money. You have a loan, with interest to pay off and he gave the money away? Divorce him. Protect your assets by divorcing him. Get that debt out aside as his from his share of joint assets.

You are insane to lend someone 40k with no formal agreement. Anything could have happened with regards to their work and health which meant they would never be able to pay it back. Without an agreement or deadline is just madness.
I would work out which deadline you are happy with that they have to pay it back by, then tell thrm and then stick to it. Asking you to remortgage your house is the most CF thing I have ever heard.

I lent money to adult dc and his dp and even for them I wrote up a record of what was loaned and repayment timetable.
Dh, me and dc and the dp all signed it.
I have a stock reply for anyone complaining at having to sign to borrow money which is that they would not expect a bank to handover money without a written agreement so why should I.

Your friend probably will repay the money but she has saved herself an apr of about 5% on 40k.
Your dh is a fool.

When she suggested remortgaging to pay off your loans, I assumed you replied with, “You can remortgage and pay us back.” What did she say to that?

Can you ask her to pay it back in instalments? Or say you’ve got a cash flow issue yourself & ask for the first £5,000 back asap.

Then do a receipt for whatever she gives you stating £5,000 received & £35,000 owing. Both parties sign it & keep a copy each - and you’re doing the receipt for her benefit so no one loses track….

Send a text message saying 'hi there, just wondering what the timeline is for repaying the money we lent you? We have some expenses coming up and trying to plan ahead '. Her response will be acknowledgement that the money is a loan, not a gift. Then go from there with getting formal agreement from solicitor. Keep it light and positive even if you're frustrated. 'I think it's better to put this into a formal agreement so we are all clear. Will send it through this afternoon if you wouldn't mind signing' etc etc.

You realise that by the time they got to you they will have exhausted the options that people run through before asking their not very close friends. They will owe money to the bank, on all their assets, credit card companies, their family, close friends and now you. The fact that they were even willing to ask you shows that they are completely incapable of managing their finances.

I assume that the declaration that the money was a gift not a loan would come from the son's parents, not from OP and her DH.

The rest of it about her husband being an absolute idiot is correct. OP should be seriously questioning her marriage as they are paying back a loan with interest, while the Cheeky Fucker Friend swans off on luxury holidays.

Whether your DH is an idiot or not he did a very kind thing that clearly he has done for people before with no detriment, albeit not very wisely.

These people are clearly not your friends but I would do the following,

attend the party all smiles
ask her when she plans to pay the money back as your mortgage term is ending in xyz months and you need it for the renewal (or similar excuse), insist on a firm date and actually say 'i need a date as I don't want to be pestering you'.
if she gives a long date then say you'll need to borrow off family to plug the gap and can she confirm to them so that they feel secure about it

I would be surprised if you didn't get paid back, some people have absolutely no shame about owing people and still spending big

My DH once got asked for a smallish loan by a friend, when DH asked him if he ever thought about saving money he replied, 'yeah i've got it but I don't want to dip into my savings account'. Unbelievable.

Will watch it. I’ve watched tinder swindler and have been saying DH has been groomed. “We are flying business class send me more money!!”

He thinks I’ve got a problem with her. (I didn’t used to)

So nasty, so unnecessary - how does it help?

Of course you've got a problem with her. And your fool of a husband too. She should never have asked your husband for money and he should never have given it to her.

Have you actually asked your husband why he thinks it was in any way acceptable to give away money that belongs equally to you without your consent?

Honestly. This is so bizarre. Is this real ?

When I gifted DS deposit money towards his apartment purchase, they wanted loads of proof including screenshots of my bank account showing the money in there for a few months, and I had to sign that it was a gift and I had no claim to his house etc. I also had to say where it came from ie where I got it from originally. This was ‘only’ £20k by the way. His solicitor wanted this info - I believe they do this for money laundering checks. There will probably be a similar paper trail if your £40k was used for a house purchase, even via his parents’ account.

jeeze
take them to court, cheeky sods

Of course she is playing you.

A decent person would not ask and would not accept money from friends in this manner.

Now that she owes you the money if there genuinely was any kind of difficulty in repaying you they would sit down with you both and discuss a payment plan and tell you they would be trading in investments and selling shares etc as well as selling a car, jewellery, clothing, anything at all of value to repay you.

I think there is more to it and could w en involve money laundering.

Your husband is an absolute brainless fool and I would divorce him asap.

She won’t want to get a CCJ or she’ll be struck off. Use that as leverage!

it occures to me that the "money burns a hole in their pocket" type...and I was one so I know.....doesn't get the spending dopamine hit by loaning the money to someone else?

And goes on to say later there are some texts. But well spotted ⭐️

He thinks I’ve got a problem with her. (I didn’t used to)

He should fucking well have a problem with her. Is there something weird going on between them?

Look at the date.

I recently cooled things with a friend when she fucked me around paying me back £8!
It was the straw that broke the camel's back and it wasn't so much the money but how she lied and took me for a fool.
40K.....dear God.

Is this an April Fool?

@CheesePlantBoxes nails it, play nice, get an admission of loan in text and then get your money back

Also I wouldn't mention again to your DH he's either still had by the con or realising he had been which will be an utter humiliation for him once it's hits and more so the more you told him so

They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

I wonder how many others are funding their lifestyle like you are.