To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

In your position, I'd be very wary of her. EG, tell DH clearly and straightforwardly that you don't want any lending or investments via her, regardless of how good they seem. Then accompany him if he's determined to go tobthat party. You don't need to pick a fight with her, as tempting as it is. The most Id say, if she suggests other loans etc is "thankyou for returning that £40k we lent you, I was getting anxious after all this time and hadn't budgeted for paying interest rather than receiving it".

Weren’t you paying interest on this money while she had it? If so she owes you that too.

I would go to the party, if only because I wouldn’t leave me DH unsupervised with her, and I’d make it clear to him that’s what I was doing. She clearly has a lot of power over him.

Don’t let him go on his own to the party. If he insists on going, insist you go aswell. Simply because he cannot be trusted around her.

Sorry OP but the woman who borrowed this money & is now refusing to return it is not a true friend. Does her husband even know about this loan? Doctors are not perfect but they do have a reputation to maintain both ethically & socially. I would definitely be having a word with him about this.

RTFT

Given the stress, financial duress, additional expense and marriage-threatening relationship strain this CF has inflicted on them, OP is entitled to a bit of vitriol!

Getting your own money back, long past overdue - and only after having to wheedle, beg and lie to get it - can hardly be considered ‘winning’.

Plus she sounds like a habitual liar and a total grifter (even her own DH has lost patience with all her financial shenanigans and BS), so it wouldn’t hurt for other people to know how she operates in order to avoid getting caught out themselves.

Well yeah… I guess some people like to live that way.

Sorry,I've just read you've had the money returned.

My next point would be to ask why you are having to put up with this special 'friendship' with another woman to the point you are watching him buy her a gift while you wait in the wings.This 50th party is not a party I would wish to be party too. Why has she got such a hold over your husband. It's time to lay your cards on the table. I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. It's crossing acceptable boundaries within marriage, unless of course it's an open marriage which in this case it's obviously not.

I guess. But if you don’t, it’s exactly how cheeky fuckers get away with riding roughshod over others - because they rely on people being gracious, polite and accommodating (or certainly conflict-avoidant), and never calling out their bad behaviour, no matter how egregious or appalling.

She’s addressed the affair speculation multiple times. If you press ‘see all’ on the OP you can read all her updates.

I know to press 'see all'

An affair doesn't have to be physical & looks have nothing to do with it. The fact this woman obviously has a very strong hold on someone else's husband is to me an emotional affair.

There is nothing to be gained by confronting her in public. She does not feel 'shame' or embarrassment like normal people, and it will only give her the chance to turn on the tears and play the victim.

I agree with others who have said don't let DH go alone - if he goes, you go to keep an eye on him. This will have to be the rule for the next decade or for as long as she is in your lives, because otherwise she will try to get him involved in another loan or 'investment'.
But this will only work if you can keep your temper - be all smiles, act like you are loving the party, mingle lots, but no need to be overly friendly or chatty with her directly.

You cannot make DH see what he is determined not to see. You cannot make him see her CF as you do.
All you can do is keep an eye on him, and keep your temper around her.

I was fully in favour of OP “ finding her anger “ when it was directed toward getting the money back.

I believe it is that sort of targeted anger that is useful in “stopping cheeky fuckers riding roughshod.”

But I think at this point continuing with unpleasantness is just superfluous and the kind of dynamic that ends up just making you bitter, twisted and generally gnarled and unpleasant. I think anger to a purpose is quite different.

@Calliopespa please could you expand on your view. It is the same as DH. I genuinely would like to know why this feels like some moral high ground.

btw.
I have become this “bitter, twisted and generally gnarled and unpleasant” person already (had to to get the money back and get some sense into DH) BUT I do not want to remain like this, because that would also be a great shame. I used to be so happy and all giggles!!!! I feel so angry like I’ve lost a year feeling like we’ve lost this money and being gaslit and called petty. It’s all okay for DH to feel innocent simpleminded happiness and wanting to party with vultures but I feel like I had to fight unnecessarily and resent everything this woman and DH have put me through.

I can understand how you feel op but I do think this is the correct juncture to try to ease back your anger - as you have correctly observed, it makes you feel awful too ( and possibly more than it will make her feel bad.)

Im so sorry but I’m just caught up right now but will reply more fully soon! WIWS before signing off is I genuinely don’t think your DH is having an affair. If I thought that I’d still be telling you to have your claws out! 🤣

I agree that anger isn't helpful at this point @Calliopespa - but don't forget OP has had months and months of arguing with her husband and trying to get this money back - at this point she's had it what, 5 days? I think for now, working through her anger is fine. If she's still seething in a couple of months, maybe then she should think about dialling it back.

OP, having read the entire thread, I have to say that in your shoes I would still divorce this man. He is a liar, cannot be trusted with money, and one day you might even find the police at your door, which will be when you find out what this was really all about. You still don't really know what happened, do you? You only know what he's told you, and we all know that he's lied. He even lied to you about where he was going, the night when he went round there, and spoke to the woman and her DH. Why didn't he tell you where he was going?

I just COULD NOT trust him after this.

Also, I think you've been asked quite a few times, but haven't answered, have you now taken every possible precaution to ensure that if you do stay with him, (in my view you'd be stupid if you did), that he can NEVER get his hands on any large amounts of money, ever again, without your signature? Have you checked your credit to ensure that he's not taken out another loan, in order to 'pay back' what this woman owed you? I would also, ensure that you're registered with the Land Registry, so that if anyone tries to sell your home without your knowledge, you will be informed. If you haven't, you can do it here: https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk

Finally, have you spoken to his sister since his visit, and told her what he's done? It does seem VERY strange that he felt the need to go and visit her, after lying to the woman about some of the money being hers, as there was clearly no need to do that. Is there any way in which his sister could have loaned him the £40k, to pay you back? Maybe he called her and told her he needed a large loan for something, and would call in and explain it all at the weekend, but could she lend him the money NOW, as he needs it URGENTLY! Sorry if this sounds unlikely, but after everything he's done, quite frankly, I wouldn't believe a word he says, hence my advice to divorce him.

I'm still really confused about why he actually had to go and visit his sister. I understand the bit about him pretending some of it was her money, but why on earth did he have to visit her in real life? Also why a visit? Why not a phone call or text message or email? I just don't get it and it's just such a bizarre piece of the puzzle to me that it's really sticking. It just seems to exemplify the oddness of the things that keep happening.

@SpaceMoo I read your early posts, but only just caught up with your more recent ones. So I'm glad you have apparently got your money back.

But I agree with the other posters, that you need to be proactive now, if you are not divorcing your DH. (Personally, I would be seriously thinking about this, as you will never be able to trust him again).

But if you stay together, you need to protect your financial affairs, so that he cannot ever again, give away any money, or make any large financial decisions without your knowledge and signature. Having read the more recent updates, this woman is clearly living beyond her means and constantly moving money around - robbing Peter to pay Paul. And as someone else said, you need to check out whether the woman really returned the money, or your DH got it from someone/somewhere else and now has a huge debt himself?

This scenario is so odd and your DH and his motives are unfathomable.

Why do you give a crap about going to this stupid party? It doesn't matter.

What does matter is going independently to a REAL financial advisor with all your details and as many many posters have said making sure you are financially protected, contacting your bank to see which account in which name the repayment money has come from, registering your interest in the property with land registry and contacting your mortgage company. There's probably other things but a financial advisor would tell you. Taking £40k out of your assets, without telling you is asset depletion, something people do to avoid splitting assets in a divorce.

You seem to be focussing instead on what you might say to Con Mum, to mutual friends, (including the ones you are telling the whole story to at the gym) and his brother. One of the few people you should be talking to is his sister to find out what she knows about the loan etc.

Forget the party. Protect your finances.

Yeah, still boggling at the ‘having to visit sister in real life’ bit. What was that all about?!

and I’m gobsmacked at the gift buying. I would not have been able to stomach that or say nothing. Was it from family funds?

yes she’s given the money back, I would draw a line there now but also insist she was completely cut out of my family’s lives on account of the stress and strain she’s put on the marriage (and the risk you could have lost a lot financially).

in your shoes, if my husband still insisted on putting their relationship / friendship (whatever weirdness it is) before our marriage and the good of our own relationship and family like this, I would be seeing a solicitor and leaving him.

This x 100.

The whole speedy paying back and your DHs kowtowing (sp?) to CF Ponzi woman still smells as fishy as an old kipper.
Don't let him go alone to the party.
Speak to his sister and see if she corroborates what your DH told you.

Please don’t make a scene at the party. You will only regret it later. If you can’t even convince your husband that you’re right, how are you going to convince a room full of her friends? And the smear campaign on social media that will follow? It will just blow up in your face.

Please do follow all the excellent advise above regarding financial security.

I feel so sorry for you OP.
How you can stomach that weasel you married, how you can even looknat him.

Please do not doubt yourself and your upset.
What they have put you through is horrific.
Please focus on legal advice and divorce.

He is absolute scum and couldn't care less about you or his family.

You need to focus on getting away from him.
Tell everyone you know privately what has happened and report her to her regulatory body.

She knows well your husband is a moron, that is why he was targeted.

Please mind yourself.

Keep your enemies close. If your DH is going to this party, you need to be there too. Keep a close eye on him and make sure nobody suspects you’re onto them.

There’s something fishy going on but you don’t want anyone to realise you’ve copped on. Trust nobody. Especially not your DH.