To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

Think I'd go to the party to say (loudly in front of others) Thank you for repaying the £40, 000 loan you owed us! Please don't ask to borrow any more money!

WTF???? I am soooo angry for you! Is he having an affair with her of something? He wants to keep up appearances but gives fuck all about your feelings. Honestly op, I’d tell him to move out, (but first secure your finances). And I don’t say that lightly because I hate the thought of a couple with kids divorcing, but he has zero respect or empathy for you. Why is this woman more important to him than you? Why is keeping up appearances more important to him than you?

I think at this point I would actually be very inclined to go to the party to give the present and say loudly “gosh Sally, you repaid the loan just on time! I seriously thought you were never going to repay it! It would have been nice though if you’d repaid it a year ago, your unwillingness to repay it all the times we asked nearly cost me our marriage”.

I'm afraid I wondered this too.

He’s gaslighting you. Are you sure there’s nothing sinister going on with your DH and this woman behind the scenes?

I agree with others op why is he so worried about this woman to the detriment of your family and relationship? It's super strange

@SpaceMoo Please tell your DH that she is not his friend. She has used him and he looks like a fool. Be point blank about it. No gift. No party. Stop contact. Tell him you've been patient, but enough is enough, that he risked your own financial security and your marriage and to wake up. No apologies or explanations, just block. And, OP, please take full control of the finances. Your dh cannot be trusted. It sounds like a MH crisis, frankly.
I'm glad you got your 40k back!

Not an affair definitely between them. She looks like a short goblin man. (That is such a mean thing to say) Not his type at all. Dh said she adores me so what’s my problem with her?

He talks to her like she’s one of the guys.

She probably fancies the pants off DH. Flattered by his attention. He’s 10 years younger.

Attraction affair things are easier to spot. This is like she has some hold over him, like she’s harmless, but he is totally brainwashed hypnotised by her Ponzi scheme and lifestyle.

NO calls from her last few days. So something has changed. I can feel it’s different. She had this whole story and call him every day - something about the property or her son or something else. A tension in the air also because he knows he can’t say it to me because I’m all out of sympathy.
Was out all day with DH and he got calls from other people, but none from her. He’s not a secretive phone person, tends to leave his phone unlocked and does answer calls whenever.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

Your dh sounds like a stupid idiot who is putting this "friend" before his own family. You have to ask yourself why.

Woah! Glad you got it back. So, she had an interest free loan?! Lucky you posted here, watched ConMum, and riled your husband up enough for him to go over. It does sound as if her husband knew nothing about her shameful behaviour and that's how you've been finally repaid. Without interest.

Honestly, I would just block her and not go to her party. No explanation. She knows what she did.
DH seems to want to ease out of friendship and even keep the friendship going if possible. He doesn’t have many friends.

Reason I HAVEN’T done a massive ‘I’m not going!’ is because part of me feels like I’d like to say a few things to her face!

I have a friend’s exhibition I have to go to the night before her party. It’s only 7-9pm so not late. I might just do a sudden disappearance. Ask my mum to look after the kids and go with my friends for the evening - and return later next day. (It’s not far and he knows about it.) Feels like a teenage drama queen tactic though. I’m keeping a whole disappear on that day. He can go by himself . Not sure.

But again, he is adamant she has given the money back as I’ve demanded so now I should keep my word!

In some scenarios that plays out in my mind, I want to look her in the face at her party and say what a horrible thing she did. Like some of the posters have mentioned doing.

I'd tell him that now she's given the money back you don't need to avoid falling out with her so you can block her and cut this grifting con artist out of your lives.

But you could also suggest to him that if you go to the party it'll be a good opportunity to warn her other guests not to lend her money if she asks because it took you over a year to get your money back and you suspect that she ended up borrowing from some other idiot to pay you back. He might change his mind about wanting you to go if you hint that you'll stir up trouble.

It doesn’t matter what you say OP. They will all keep telling you he’s having an affair until you agree with them. That’s how MN works. Because they made such poor choices themselves, they think there’s no such thing as a man not having an affair.

Go the party, but chat to all the other guests about Con Mum, Ponzi schemes, and how you've heard there is a woman scamming people in the local area.

I do wonder, OP, if you turn up to the party and confront her, how many of the other party goers have also been conned by her? Could be interesting......
Frankly, I'd advise you to do whatever you feel like doing at the time. She has potentially destabilised your marriage and your own financial security, so you have every right to tell her what you think of her shennanigans. But if you fancy taking DH and family for a nice meal instead then do that.
Has she modelled herself on the transatlantic orange one?

Do you have proof that the money has been returned?

Is DH having an affair? I have asked him this myself and actually screamed cried it when we were going to remortgage the house I thought I’m going mad! I said she’s convinced you to get the money out of this house and give it to her hasn’t she? She wants this money too! He swore there’s nothing going on. That he’d sign over the whole house to me. We were just financially stretched he wanted to make it better.

He said he wouldn’t even tell her that it went through. I didn’t believe him. Anyway, when it came to the time, he needed my signature and I said I will get my own solicitor to see where I stand about this and report her. ( I will not forget the troubles these cunts have put me through!)

Even if it’s not an affair, it’s horrible. This was a month ago.

Ok weird question here. By chance she isn’t a long lost half sibling entitled to inheritance or offspring to a previous GF ? I’m really grasping to understand your DH ‘s position…

Hahaha this made me laugh out so loud !!! 👏🏻🤣🤣🤣

I'd say he invested trust in this woman, thinking she was a friend, and like many people who are scammed is finding it hard to accept his trust and friendship was misplaced, that it lost money, and that it could have cost him his marriage.

This is all very new to him, it will take time for him to accept this, if he ever does.

OP do you think you could do some couples therapy so it could help you both get over this?

I have all these things I’ve prepared in my mind to say (IF I go)

My friends and I at the gym were having bets on if you would return the money at all. + 🤭

(she knows these people too and that they know her)

not harsh enough?

I have others.

That’s just vitriolic at this stage op.

If she’s given the money back you’ve “won.”

Agree with @MarkingBad . He never really believes she had done anything that wrong - OK, was a bit slow ponying up the money, but he always knew she'd give it back and, she's now repaid his faith - so he probably hasn't shifted his view of her all that much. And after all, he helped her out with his largesse! He wants to go and bask in her gratitude.

I'm not at all sure he gets it, (he thinks you are being excessively suspicious)so of course he wants to go to the party. (Though apologies if you're sure he does - it's been a long thread!)

The danger now she has paid up is she'll hit him for another free loan if he stays in touch with them. This is why I'd be glued to him every time he sees them and why I think the therapy would be an idea.

Id also complain to the ombudsman that she did this and offered terrible advice on the side.

Confronting her just plays into her hands, she does these things to others, it's nothing she is ashamed of or can be made to feel ashamed of

'the £40,000 loan you've had for months and have repaid without interest after we had to resort to considering legal action' would be far more telling.