To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

Yes you almost have a bigger problem than the money. The money was the result of your dh’s highly dubious decision making. No one is that naive. Is it possible he is strongly attracted/in love with this woman op? Because he is falling over himself to keep her in your lives.

Very relieved the money is back OP.

“DH said he has to go and see his sister now to back up his lie. So we’ll be visiting his sis on Sunday”

What does this mean? What lie?

Yes I saw it, it’s come through. it’s cleared. Used some of it already to make payments.

It feels like such a weight lifted off our shoulders.

Has it definitely come from her? There's something odd about how DH rushed out, the money appeared and now he's still annoyed with you.

Think he said some of this money is his sisters, not all his / ours - and she needs it back. lol wtf. Just be straight. It’s our money! We want it back!

Are some people just unhappy and feeling guilty having money they don’t want to lend? It’s our money and we have to pay off the loans we are paying interest on! If she asks me I will not lie.

This is what I’m wondering. Could he have taken out another loan, possibly against your own house, to pretend you’ve got it back?

If she had paid it back though, it’s very telling that she could do so so quickly when put under pressure, suggesting she could have at any point. I think you need to go to the party to at least check the money has come from her. I’d begin the conversation “so, about that money…” and then leave her to answer. That way you haven’t said anything about it being returned or not. She’ll either say she’s paid it back, or say she’s going to, then at least you’ll know.

If you’re planning to try to repair your marriage you’re going to need to take control of the finances since he clearly can’t be trusted.

how will his cf friend know whether or not he had really gone to visit his sister? What is going on? what's he scared of, that she has surveillance on him. That's leaving aside the fact he had to lie about whose money it was

Ask him, ‘how would she know if we go to see your sister or not? Does she have surveillance on us, or are you in some kind of mental thrall that you have to tell her everything about your life? I don’t give you permission to tell her anything private about me.’
and run a credit check on him and you. If he’s taking financial advice from this conwoman who knows what he’s done. I too wonder if she paid it back or he borrowed it. Is the money in a joint account? If it’s not been put on loans and is available I’d look at if I can make that account 2 signatories needed for a transfer. So he can’t pull this shit again.

Even stranger, why would he need to visit his sister to 'pay the money back'? why can't he do it by 'bank transfer'?

so so strange. Is your husband actually ok?

Is it like rock paper scissors? My sister beats your son?

Glad you got the money back. I’d probably go to the party with an open mind and enjoy seeing everyone. How you feel after that will decide whether you want to continue that particular friendship.

We had a ‘situation’ in our social group that threatened 30 years of friendship. It’s been fixed and while not quite forgotten and forgiven those involved are trying hard to keep the group together, and luckily it seems to be working.

Tell him the only present she will get from you will be your fist in her face, and that neither of you are going to her party and if he does, you will file for divorce. So he needs to choose; party, or his marriage.

So glad you have the money back.

As others have said, the friend's family have lied to solicitors about the origins of son's house deposit, if that's where your £40k went. I'm guessing they just said it was from the parents but you would think a professional financial advisor would have ensured a transparent paper trail?

I reckon she did give it back but is running a Ponzi scheme so will only give money back when she feels she absolutely has to.

She owes lots of loans to lots of sources/friends. She chooses who/when to pay back depending upon how hairy it gets.
Ad infinitum.
This is how she's getting by.

@SpaceMoo you say her DH was unhappy? I wonder if a lot of creditors have suddenly come calling? He may be suddenly seeing the extent of the problem. 'Raising' £400k+ just means borrowing. All the financial jargon is just window dressing for debt.

It isn't uncommon between couples for one person to be in sole charge of finances. Perhaps she has been spinning the 'financial whizz' line with him as well. In his shoes I would be checking my pension very closely.

Glad you got your money back though I do think your DH is still in her thrall and possibly thinks this was just some unfortunate misunderstanding.

Bizarre: how does this woman know whether or not you visit his sister? Why do you actually need to go?

So he went over there, gave a narrative about why he needed the money back sooner than waiting for her to sell… and hey presto she just transferred it back?

Why is he upset about that? She had had the money for longer than the original timescale, the friendship is clearly still intact to party-attending levels in his mind?

I think I can speak for the OP.

She doesn't want to go to the party.
She doesn't want anything to do with the woman who has caused issues between OP and her DH.

She panicked when you weren't going to go away, good job you aren't as wet as your H
It probably came from someone else though
Just be aware that she may be furious that you had the audacity to ask and you may find yourself trashed now, either way you (and your idiot H) should keep her at arms length

This is so bizarre. He’s afraid that the CF who left you hanging for £40K for over a year will find out that it was just you wanting your own money back?!! So he had to pretend it was his sister’s?

He’s so impressed by her and in her thrall you can virtually hear the bowing and scraping and forelock tugging, ‘so sorry I need you to give me back my money, but it’s not actually all my money so it’s not really my fault I’m having to ask you - pleeeeese still like me, Mrs Cheekyfucker’. And now rushing to his sister’s to consolidate the lie.

Either that or he’s terrified of her. Be honest, OP, does she have secret footage of him shagging a sheep or something? 😂

She sounds as dodgy as fuck and when things go tits up for her, I wouldn't want there to be any connection between us - that includes socially as well as financially.

So: you told your DH you were going to get a solicitor involved, and the money was back in your account the next day?
Sorry but your dh is in this somehow. I don't know how, but I'd be going through your finances with a fine tooth comb if I were you.

I agree and still think you should see a solicitor.

Your DH has got you used to him removing very large sums of money, and then getting them back. I'd be concerned that one day that money isn't coming back.

Good news, but how did CF pay you back if the court case didn't go her way? It doesnt add up! Something else is going on with your DH. Why not tell CF that he's transferring the money to his Dsis? (Not that it's any of her business.) Does the DSis live near CF so he'd pop in to see CF on the way back? He seems in her thrall - is he in love with her? Is he somehow more involved in her CF scam than he's saying?

No present, no party. Or go, get drunk and let slip to everyone that you've only come because you got the monies back and watch a queue form of other "friends" who given her loans asking her for their monies back too! I guarantee it won't be just you she owes!

You need to keep a close eye on your finances as something is fishier than an old kipper here. Keep your distance from CF as her world will collapse soon enough.

So this woman borrowed £40 THOUSAN from you and kept it for a year. she's finally, begrudgingly, transferred it back to you, but not offered to pay any interest, or give you any gift to say thank you?

Please set up a new bank account to deposit the remaining savings into, and ensure that your husband cannot access it! He's obviously a gullible idiot that can't be trusted. He needs to be told (a) not to take out any more loans or enter into any financial agreements of any kind, without discussing it with you first. and (b) not to take any more financial 'advice' from this woman, who sounds like she's not managing her own finances very well.

i would be tempted to go to the party and talk to people. Lots of people. And see if there's anyone else who's been stung in the same way. And talk to her husband and make it clear how stressful this situation has been for you. And tell her son that this has caused problems for you, and that your entire famiily are unimpressed. Then ditch them.