To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

Depending on whether you want to maintain the friendship you may have to just say goodbye to the cash.

If you don’t care about the money then legal action.

Exactly! That was my first thought, that’s absolutely crazy money.

I'd agree. You are lucky there is at least a text message. Crikey.

OK - I haven't got anything to add about the frankly batshit financial arrangement here (no loan agreement?!) but about the party.
Say you're going/send a message about how you're looking forward to it
Keep everything normal
Be ill on the day (diarrhoea and vomiting) and let DH go
Don't go to that party
It's not going to be possible unless you are a great actress
I would be very surprised if you were able to keep up a front
Meanwhile can you actually check if her tenants are going to have legal proceedings brought against them? Is there a way of contacting them, or seeing some sort of register for the property? Can you check the magistrate's court upcoming cases? Because she might be spinning you a line here, I wouldn't believe a word of it. A job for a private investigator?

Is the child that got the 40k his secret son or something
cos that’s the only way I could possibly believe someone would do something this fucking stupid

You say you know her family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, CLIENTS. At this point I would be trying to cosy up very closely with a few of those clients, if only to get a bit more information about her. Has she asked any other clients for informal, unsecured loans?
Has she given out any other (unprofessional) free financial advice?
Is she properly registered?
Would you be able to go to her governing body and report her for unprofessional conduct?
Find out what you can, as fast as you can, because she is playing you for fools and might only see sense when she feels there is a threat to her reputation.
(I'm assuming she has got a reputation to lose, if you've known her for 20 years, and the people around her.)

Go to the party and invite her to coffee in the days after. Explain how it’s affecting your marriage etc and if that doesn’t work seek professional advice.

I'm sorry op but these type of people never pay the money back. Professional people don't target friends.

I've lent money and borrowed money, it never ends well. I also have a BFF who has been in trouble for financial reasons. I'd rather not lend her money!

I think I'd be talking to a solicitor and putting something into the courts if this is not repaid in three months. The cost is 5% of the debt I believe. It's a civil matter.
You can send a letter of intent by signed for mail. It's a warning document.
Your husband has been a fool and these people are not your friends. She's playing him and believes she's got his ear over yours. How dare she.
I'd never speak to her again.
It's just too much money to write off.

Just a thought: has she got any other names (maiden name included/anything funny with her first names like she goes by a middle name or nickname with you). If she has, what comes up in a google search, companies house search, financial bodies etc?
https://www.fca.org.uk/firms/accredited-bodies-advisers

Yeah, while it would be tempting to hop up on a chair at the party and expose them as deadbeats, I'd don my deerstalker and do a little detective work. See what you can find out.

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

DH has been flattered into thinking he is part of the 'special' crowd.

Except he isn't. The woman has used him. She wouldn't dream of asking her real friends for a loan.

She has borrowed money from DH because she looks down on him.

That's what I was wondering!

Or lived with them.

I'm going to say YABU just because you were insane to give the money in the first place.

Your dh is cought in a sunk cost fallacy.

The legal route is the only way that you might (just might) get your money back.

Because these types probably look down on renting or staying with family. They wanted the image that he could split and buy somewhere for him.

In your position we would put together a legal contract checked by a solicitor, dh would be going around there and would sit with a coffee, and say to them that the delay is causing some worry. That he trusts them, but now it’s been going on for so long he will need the money transferred over immediately or the agreement signed as he doesn’t want it to cause any difficulties with the friendship. He DOES NOT leave without a signed agreement.

He will have to work out answers in advance to all of their possible excuses not to sign. He can not leave without a signed agreement. If they totally refuse, at least you will know where you stand.

Record the entire exchange.
Then you both go to the party (with a charity shop present wrapped well) and you smile and be nice.

Then you give them 14 days in writing to pay the loan back, dressed up nicely in an email with pleasantries.

Then you get serious with court action.

Your dh now needs to know this is going to cost more than 40k unless he does everything possible to save your marriage. It is not worth letting this scamming couple ruin your lives! Have dinner, be understanding of each other, you are only human. I wouldn’t let this woman ruin absolutely everything! You can come back from this if you want to. People make mistakes, it’s how you handle them that really matters.

40k?!?!

The only people who can borrow that kind of money from me is mom and siblings.

I would likely be tempted to sideline my husband and start looking into legal action.

This. Affair or the friend hasn't had the money. It sounds like the first one

@SpaceMoo
How did the son get the 40k loan past his lenders? surely they'd have to check for money laundering. Doesn't add up at all

I completely agree with this, he is what is known as useful friend of convenience, she has never considered dh as a real friend only someone to facilitate. The next thing lined up for you to facilitate is her party, where she needs to be seen to have oodles of adoring ‘friends’.

Presumably it would have come badged as a gift from his parents?

If she is that such a financial whiz she could have easily raise 40k

Remortgage the flat to pay for her son
take out a loan

Get advice from a solicitor. Don't go to the party. Tell DH if he wants to be can buy I would message her and say that you won't be socialising with them until you have the money back. DH van deal with the fall out.

I would also approach the son. He may not realise you have funded it. He will hopefully be mortified and want to help. It will also stop any lies his parents have told him.

If my husband lent 40 000 of our money to a friend without my consent, and then showed no inclination to rectify that situation asap to the point we were paying interest on the loans, he wouldn’t be staying my husband for much longer I’m afraid.
What he has done is a massive betrayal and for him to say you’re annoying him by keeping going on about it shows a total lack of respect. Of course you’re going to ‘keep going on’ about it, you want your money back!

This is literally one of the most insane things I’ve ever heard of. OP never trust your husband with money again. Who the hell( in their right mind, lends £40k without many paperwork??

it’s just batshit crazy.