To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

The party itself will be a couple
of grand. I would ask her outright if she could repay a portion using her party fund and cancel the party.

I would go round and ask her in person (nicely but firmly) how she feels she can afford to host a party when she owes you so much and that you’re really struggling to repay the loan each month. Say your husband is being nice but the strain of the debt is really affecting you both as it wasn’t spare cash. Say it’s affecting your marriage. If she only even repays £500 it’s an acknowledgment there’s money owing.
I would also take round a hard copy of a standard off the shelf loan agreement with the sum owed on it and a suggested repayment plan and look at her in the eye and ask her to sign it.

I would keep calm and be nice. Don’t get angry, but instead appear hurt and baffled as to how your friend is treating you like this.

i wouldn’t share what I was going to do with my husband - I would just do it. But that’s prob cos I’m a completely independent woman so make my own decisions.

good luck @SpaceMoo xx

Does being friends with them get him a leg up at work or something? He seems scared to rock the boat incase they drop him?

I’m sure between the wife, the doctor husband and the professional son they could have clubbed together and at least started to make payments back to you.

You have a husband problem, not a friend problem. The level of chaos he is creating and the disrespect for you if done without your consent is troubling.

Main priority would be to focus on the marriage, through counseling if possible. I would have a hard time staying without a fundamental change in his behavior.

This is a great solution too

Maybe ask that then rather than going straight to insults.

I'd do this.

It's hard to believe this really happened. You handed over 40K so that somebody else's son could buy a house? Why couldn't he just wait until his parents had the money available? Crazy.

My father in law did this years ago. His friend borrowed 250k and never spoke to him again. He was so obsessed with looking rich as he is one of those men who thinks having money makes you a good person. He has never learnt or changed and has gone bankrupt because he ca t stop spending and showing others he is rich. Your husband has a serious lack of respect for money and you need to leave him before the same happens to him

So why couldn’t their son just rent a place?

Was it joint money or just DH's? I'm not following this at all. Do you mean he took money from a joint account and gave it away?

Why don't you go and speak to her directly and tell her how much stress this is causing you? Ask her for a definite payback date and an acknowledgement in writing for your own peace of mind. As a financial advisor she can hardly say no as she knows this is the right way to do things. Do this before the party.... I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd sorted this out.

Did her son's mortgage lenders not ask for evidence of where this 40k came from? Evidence he'd had it for a while?That it wasn't loan etc. That's very odd and highly unusual. Something is really not adding up here. Are you sure it was a loan for her son's house?

They're married, it's all joint money.

Even married people can take out individual loans. That poster is trying to find out whose name is on the debt. I think it’s both their names as it sounds like that from the OP but it’s worth checking.

Sometimes couples have separate accounts and it would have seemed less awful if he had lent this money from his sole account. Bring back the days when a cheque from a joint account needed two signatures!

Can you take legal advice as to how to get an enforceable record of any of this?

@SpaceMoo

1. Does her husband (the doctor) know about you both loaning her the £40k?
2. You said this all happened a year ago and you’ve asked 3 times for the money back only to be met with excuses. Who did the asking?
3. You said she can afford to give you back the money without selling the tenanted house - so why isn’t she?

Not sure if this has been said already but check she is on the FCA register to ensure she really is a financial adviser and then report her

Your DH is fucking idiot. I’d be fuming and leaving him as soon as the dust has settled.

Go to the party and eat all of their food and drink. Get that bill down!!!

Just to warn you (I have experience of these people) its likely that this woman will get in first to discredit you in the village so any allegations you make look made up.
I don't think you and your H fully realise what you are dealing with here

Is she an employed investment professional. Check the FCA register as they would take a very dim view of this behaviour, there are codes of ethics she should adhere to. Whilst I am not suggesting you issue a threat to go to her employers, find out more, and speak to a solicitor to send a letter which references her meeting her obligations to you and her firm.

Did he discuss this with you prior to sending her the money? I would be getting an agreement in place ASAP. If this is all above board she shouldn’t have any problem signing.

Does her family know? If not I would be mentioning to them at the party including son and husband!!

Just another thought. Has your husband got himself into some difficulty with debt and used it to pay it off and not lent it at all? Xx

Wow. This is next-level crazy!

OP, I would be losing my shit if I were you. I would be seeing a divorce lawyer and taking the 40k out of his share of the asset split.

Are you saying that the money that was lent is part of a loan you took out, so you are making payments (and paying interest) on the loan balance, because they got their hands on the funds?

Why are they not making good-faith payments to you monthly while they scrape together the whole amount???? Surely all of these big-shot professionals could send you a thousand a month or even more, pending the "sale" of that house. How convenient that their tenants won't budge, eh?

You really have my sympathy. I would be tempted to absolutely destroy her professional reputation with everything I had, if she doesn't fork that money back in the next couple of weeks.

No ta. I can read all the other info without asking Op for any more details than she is willing to offer.

Hate to tell you this OP but we had an FA in this area that was over spending on lifestyle, diddled his friends and family out of money and killed his wife to get her insurance to cover the debts… Now that may be extreme, but it’s proof in point that just because someone has a professional job they are not against doing underhand things!!!!

https://www.cambs.police.uk/news/cambridgeshire/news/2024/july/mortgage-advisor-murdered-wife-to-pay-debts/#:~:text=Robert%20Hammond%2C%20known%20as%20James,HMRC%20and%20a%20financial%20company.

as such I would 💯 give them a deadline to pay back as you absolutely do need the money back by then and are completely unable to extend the loan further!