To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

I think the people still posting that they don’t understand why so much work was involved in preparing the meal need to read the thread.

I'm sorry, OP, I think you've made a absolutely HUGE effort... you've felt rightly exhausted and used.

Is there an element of "matriarchy"?
Ie, the older members of the family expect the younger ones to cater for them, probably "expect" a degree of martyrdom, perhaps?

Add to that, you were actually catering for 7 but 3 cancelled?
And you were doing all this while fasting?

No wonder the lift home was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not possible.
You need, like PPs have suggested, to sit down and plan how a celebration like this will go again. ( Hoping the food for the three that cancelled is happily in the freezer).

It's definitely SIL's turn next time!

You simply say, no, next time, if this is the type of expectation they accept.

"Seen and not heard" is the feeling I get here.

I really hope you have recouped some sleep and energy. Please think hard about doing it again. X

In some families, yes it's the norm for the DIL to be doing this.

Not in my family, we would usually take it in turns to do the during the meal stuff - but then we wouldn't do a full spread like this for 4 people, we would pick a smaller set of things for this size group. For a larger party, women will do it in pairs so I might pair with my SIL, we would fry samosas and make rotis for an hour and then swap with my cousin and her SIL etc

Indeed. I don't understand why people are saying those replying don't understand the culture. The culture and tradition is irrelevant because it seems very much like the OPs DHs family pick and choose which bits of the tradition they adhere to. In the vast majority of families preparing an Eid meal is not the sole responsibility of one person. Nor is it considered acceptable to accept an invite without bringing dishes, deserts or other bits to help the host.

From about September MN is full of threads of people getting their knickers in a twist about having to prep and cook a Christmas dinner while running themselves ragged for their lazy/ungrateful families, and the outpouring of sympathy is (rightly) immense. Something very unpleasant about how people are dismissive of the OP here because it's an Eid meal.

OP YANBU at all- the biggest error was agreeing to this with so little notice, but I understand that culturally it is likely expected that you would have done this.

so much of this is absolutely ridiculous. Of course he should have driven them home. Of course your DD shouldn’t still be up at 10pm and of course she should have eaten by then. No one needs to spend all night cooking or cleaning. Seriously. Of course you’re exhausted but none of these things needed to be this exhausting! Why are you ( and your DH) putting yourselves through this?!

Did you personally already have a big Eid meal at lunch time with your family? Then have to go home and cook another? I don’t think I could have eaten two Christmas meals one after the other on the same day.

You cooked for far more people than actually came - double in fact - because of their disorganisation. That would have annoyed me too. All that food wasted. And setting up for them all too. Infuriating. They would have known how much trouble you went to for them.

Your husband should have ensured his little girl got some food, tucked her into her car seat and taken her with him for the two hour round trip. She would have fallen asleep with him and you could have rested a bit before starting the big clear up.

I think you should consider insisting that they bring dishes as a contribution next time. Your mother in law sounds to have a hard life and it’s understandable that she doesn’t host but your sister in law sounds unpleasant.

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely unacceptable. Are you incapable of talking to each other? You don't just assume - you check.

This all seems far too elaborate. You can host without all this brouhaha you know. I don't see a problem with your husband driving his mother home - the problem is the immense amount of unnecessary effort you seem to have gone to , to the detriment of everything else - including failing to feed a child who is entirely unable to feed itself.

💯

I don’t think that people on here are grasping that it was Eid and are not grasping the cultural element and significance of the occasion, this might be better placed in a different section? As I think you are being given a harder time than necessary from some people here.

Yes but no one was working in a pair here with the OP.

If she thinks it's normal to be running around like a headless chicken serving everyone else and not being treated with any respect herself, well then that's what the rest of her life is going to be like.

Or she can decide that that doesn't work for her and put her foot down.

Most comments are not seeming to understand that it was Eid. And the amount of preparation that goes into this. The cleaning, cooking, feasting etc. And the times of day/evening prep etc.

OP it was not unreasonable for your husband to drive MIL home. It sounds like you have a lot on and are feeling overwhelmed, and unhappy with always hosting. Offer a solution to your husband, perhaps dining out for the next few family occasions, with a sprinkle of hosting as opposed to every time. Drive closer to where they live [MIL].

Offer solutions to change the future routine, or your resentment will grow.

I feel there is a lot of exaggeration going on here OP.

You and your husband stayed up the full night cooking and cleaning? Really?? Yet you then spent the full 3 hours the guests (all 2 of them) were over in the kitchen? Doing what? Cooking again even though you spent the full night before cooking?

And don't get me started on the 2yr old! Not fed until 2230?? How were they not screaming with hunger?

I don’t think the issue is that the MIL got a lift home, that actually seems the most reasonable part of everything, so your anger about that seems misplaced. Your anger is justified for being angry about having to cook for in laws, not even get to sit with them to eat it, and then being left with all the clean up. That’s extremely unfair - you aren’t their personal chef. Personally, I would have left the dishes after the meal until the next day (or for the husband to do when he got home).
I have no judgement about the toddler not eating but it depends on what she was doing while everyone else was eating. Maybe she was offered something but didn’t want it?

What do the men do?

genuinely asking, as it feels from the answers on this thread that the woman are running around like servants but no one has mentioned any man helping out.

I feel the ops daughter is going to have to get used to being hungry as she’ll prob be expected to help out in the kitchen as she’ll gets older whereas any sons will be fed.

I agree with this but some families v much do have the culture that it's the DIL role

As I said, not in my family, I would never allow my SIL to do this or be treated like this but some Asian families are like this.

Which isn't to say she shouldn't stand up for herself but I am not shocked to hear that that might be her in law's expectations

And the proper answer to them is - as the proper answer to the OP is - you host at a level that you can. We hosted my in-laws for Christmas a few years ago and it was very low key. My husband cooked, I'd tidied up and we had Xmas decorations up anyway; we set the table nicely, that was it. It was what we could manage with three children under 5.

I think the key point that you are missing - or rather dismissing as racism (at least implicitly) - is not racist but because the OP has got her knickers in such a twist that she failed to feed a two year-old child. When I see an "Xmas stress" thread where the stress has resulted in a child going unfed until the middle of the night, I'll respond exactly as I have here.

Her DH isn't putting himself through anything, the lazy useless sod.

And what's the advice given to them? To not do any of it, same advice OP is getting.

Not sure why people are trying to make this about racism/anti islam when that's nothing to do with it.

I get it @gollyimholly There are many, many women who post on here late December every year with similar stories. How they were run ragged in the run up to Christmas with plans being changed last minute by others and the work falling to them. It’s a tale as old as time.

Add in the end of Ramadan, tiredness, change to routine, an over excited toddler, celebrating with both sides of the family and a DH who doesn’t commit to plans - and you have the perfect recipe for a rubbish day for you.

Take this as a sign to change things moving forward. How do you want to celebrate your Eid with your own child? Start from there and work back on what can be changed to improve your Eid.

Perhaps host every other year. Or agree with DH at the beginning of Ramadan if you are hosting so that you have more time to prepare dishes that you can have in the freezer. And cut down on the pre Eid cleaning.

I used to do a frantic big clean of the house just before Christmas. I stopped doing it a few years ago and no one noticed.

@gollyimholly sorry but this is all
crazy.
4 days of madness for one meal .
No dinner for a child by 10.30pm!
Why wasn’t child in bed ?
where was the routine ?
Why only leave at 10.30pm and expect or be given a lift.
I think it’s unreasonable to host tbh.
That would be my last , it sounds exhausting .

Just say no more.

How can cleaning and prep be such a chore when your a sahm.
As for the mil, why couldn’t she stay the night and then take public transport the next day.

I get that it’s Eid and the traditional food is very important.

Did you have similar food for lunch with your family?

If so, next year, I would either try to have DH family and your both family together at lunch, or if your family hosts lunch and ILs can’t come for some reason, maybe ask if they’d make a bit extra food at lunch that you can then take to ILs or have at your house with ILs in the evening.
it seems crazy you having to cook that whole elaborate meal on your own.
Otherwise you maybe just need to cook a pared down version - staying up all night is excessive for cooking or cleaning. You say your MIL is a lovely lady so I’m sure she’d understand if you did a smaller feast that next year.

I think it was right for DH to take them home, that seems a normal part of hosting.

It’s fine for a young child to be out of their routine a bit on a very special celebration day, and if they had eaten well earlier in the day, they probably weren’t hungry anyway.
As far as the toddler is concerned it was 9:30 on their body clock as clocks had only just changed.

I would leave washing up etc for the next day.

I'm so sorry OP that you were let down by your in-laws. You definitely have a people-pleasing husband problem. He seems to regard your time and effort as being his to command.

I agree that dropping your MIL home was the last straw. I hope you feel able to have a discussion with him about how this won't happen again next Eid.

For those posters that don't get it - it's like having to prepare a full house including cleaning and all the food from scratch within 48 hours of Christmas day. No popping to M&S for the turkey, ham, all the sides and the desserts. All while still fasting because it is Ramadan and with a fussy toddler in tow. That's a heroic effort for anybody.