To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

Sorry I voted YABU because I think he should have taken her home. MIL and SIL should have helped you with clearing up after dinner though, and you could have left the rest for DH to do in the morning

Next time just refuse to cook.!
You have told him no and he ignores and dis respects you .

Honestly I wouldn’t care what celebration it was .
It all Sounds entitled. All three adults eating you stuck in a kitchen (when you said no ) and daughter not fed.
Then dh gets up and leaves and you have Dd to deal with and the mess. More entitlement .

You need to put your foot down op .

Eh? Why on earth not - unless there’s something actually wrong with her - a taxi is the obvious solution.

Two people were guests and her husband's blood relatives, one an elder. The sis in law could have offered to help but by proper manners would not be expected to. What you call running around like a skivvy is treating guests honourably. The problem is absence of an extended family or older children or hired help to pick up tasks.

It sounds as though OP was in the kitchen all evening as the Eid meal is very elaborate, she is not used to cooking it as they normally eat western food and her DH didn't help her with it. It sounds like the equivalent of cooking a Christmas dinner. OP expected her DH to feed her DD as she was in the kitchen and OP has said that the food was too spicy for her daughter.

Anyway, I think MIL and SIL should have gone home in a taxi paid for by OP's DH. Possibly if MIL had been on her own and said she felt uncomfortable alone in a taxi OP would have been unreasonable, but as there were two of them, she definitely wasn't.

Just lack of communication between the two of you re feeding your daughter. And I wouldn’t have focused on getting the house spotless for their arrival. Most people accept there’s some untidiness when you have children. And I would have just fed your dc a bowl of quickly put together cereal,after he left with his dm, and gone to bed, leaving the tidying up of plates etc til the morning after, when you both could tackle it.

OP i get it & totally sympathise with you. It's v hard when families have different approaches to you & it's just how they are.

My family are irish & my dh's are English. Our dc are grown up now but when they were small we had v similar situations around invitations & celebrating holiday events.

We were younger & naive & thought it was a nice thing to invite our families to our home to celebrate with us.

My family were fine & fell in with whatever plan was made & were always delighted to be here & to spend time with us & dc.

Dhs family on the other hand, paid lip service to waiting to mark these occasions but are v chaotic & disorganised & generally turned out to be v hard to host for similar reasons to yours

Firstly he's one of 5 siblings so by the time you add their partners & kids etc thr group was huge!

They'd all accept the invitation & we'd plan accordingly & it's not cheap to cater for 24 / 25 people. And then they'd start dropping out & cancelling. Used to drive me mad as it was all so casual & with no acknowledgement of how much effort we'd made etc

Or we'd make all the arrangements around times that worked for them (also live around an hour away) & they'd still have to change things last minute. My family live much further away & never behaved like them.

I remember one memorable Easter Sunday we'd invited mil & dh's 2 younger sisters who were still teens & living at home & my parents.

We'd gone to a lot of expense to cook Easter Sunday lunch & dd was only about 6 months old.

Mil invited her (awful) 'partner' & they were then over an hour late so I was trying to save the meal, an expensive lamb joint. As soon as we opened the front door mil said oh we we can't stay v long as xxx (her partner) wants to be home in time to watch the match

The lunch was sped through & they'd barely put the dessert spoons down when they were off...

I was so pissed off

I felt v bad for dh who really wanted to be able to host his family for our dc to have good experiences of family occasions as his mum had never bothered with any of it. They barely celebrated Christmas & v little effort was made for celebratory meals etc

When we got out own house & dc came along we wanted them to have all that & always made an effort to put up some decorations at Easter/ Christmas/ Halloween etc

I gave up with his family in the end as they made it v clear they didn't appreciate any of the effort (or expense) of inviting them.

I’d say if you ever pull that again then dd & I will be staying at my parents and you can magic up some McDonald’s or something instead of expecting 10 hours cooking at short notice from me on top of other plans and looking after dd. That was so inconsiderate of you, I love your mum but I matter too, not to mention dd matters and you never even thought about feeding her while I cooked!! Never ever again. If your sister asks you can say we are only serving shop bought food for Eid this year and you won’t like it. You are welcome to host. Also you are providing dinner tonight. And Monday. I’m cooked out.

Your DD had not dinner at 10:30? At two years old? That is crazy.
And you were cooking the whole night the day before?
I voted YABU because:

1. It is just normal to want to pick up and drop your mother/ father/ sister/ brother..., particularly if they are 67. They can have a little together time. It is nice.
2. He had helped. He cleaned and got involved.
3. The obvious problem here is what you are cooking and doing. You come across as the opposite of chilled around your ILs. No need to keep the house and food like in a 5 star hotel. Clean is good. You can chill and play with your DD or rest for the two hours it takes him to get there and back. And why would you spend the whole dinner party in the kitchen, instead of with them? You already spent lots of hours in the kitchen. You need to simplify what you are doing, in my opinion.
4. Somebody should have fed your daughter. That is not acceptable! She is there with her grandma, auntie, father and mother. Surely they gave her food? From the dinner? Because she is two, so bar spicy and salty foods, she should be ok to eat the same?

I think what you need to do is cook a roast, steam some veggies, have things semi-ready so you can actually spend time with them.

I'm not sure if this is the case here, but the immaculate house is a sign of respect to the Lord on a major religious feast, not to impress guests. Certainly a day or more cleaning has been the norm among Orthodox Jewish or Hindu or some non-British Roman Catholic friends in preparing for feasts, for this reason. The repetition of 'crazy' and other dismissive language on this thread is sad and shows cultural loss.

This all sounds a bit dramatic OP.

It was a dinner, they happen all the time and I just can't understand

a) Why it took so long to cook it all
b) Why the 2 year old wasn't fed
c) Why some of the clearing up couldn't wait until the next day if you were cross your husband wasn't there?
d) Why the logistics weren't all discussed beforehand, or why you didn't say no to anything you disagreed with?

It's nice your husband was looking after his mum!

This. How can it even be possible for two adults to stay up ALL night to clean and decorate for a 3 hr party. And to not even feed your own child. Madness.

This is so rude. It's not a party. It's a major religious occasion.

Why are so many posters not comprehending that this was not just some regular dinner but a culturally & religiously significant occasion

It's worrying that the comprehension levels are so low. And that so many posters are so dismissive

I understand the cooking was a huge task - I've seen the sheer volume of food needed for these occasions; so understand the exhaustion. I also know you'll likely not win the battle of having to cook for your in-laws, as that comes with its own challenges.

I think that's a separate issue to your husband dropping his mom home though. That wasn't unreasonable of him in my opinion.

I'm also guessing your daughter had eaten throughout the day, as no two year that is used to being regularly fed will be hungry and quiet. It may have been outside her usual eating time, but the whole day was off schedule anyway.

The clearing up - you put your feet up and leave it to your husband. He can do it on his return or the next morning.

I hope you've managed to get some rest 💐.

But all that cleaning would have been done by women.

Everything would have been done by women.

Women are allowed to want more than being handmaidens. Men need to do their part. I don’t think that’s cultural loss.

This feels like something that could have been discussed and worked out a bit more clearly in advance, when you were deciding to host your relatives and working out the logistics. I don't really blame your DH for offering/wanting to take his mum home, but you do sound somewhat put upon by him and everything else.

What is the usual role for men during Eid? Why does everything fall to the DIL? Does no-one ever question this?

That OP should have been supported to participate in.

Instead three adults did very little, including failing to care for a child, and one ran around after those adults.

Even on Xmas day or Mother’s Day or any other big day for anyone over the world .
It’s wrong of her dh !
You make plans if you love an hour away .
Op was out all day then was on a kitchen all night and didn’t eat with the family
I mean the important family ate just not op or her daughter .
Then the cheeky dh gets up and leaves .
Takes his dm home . Remember op didn’t want any of this .

It really doesn't show "cultural loss" it shows cultural differences. It's good you have explained that, because some people may now have a better understanding of those cultures, but to them it is "crazy" because that's not, culturally, what they do.

And in any event, even in those cultures, presumably it is accepted that you "contribute" at the level that you can (i.e. the Lord appreciates the effort you put in to respect him not the outcome - so a tired mother with a young child who manages to clean her house more than she usually would is just as respectful as someone who has an immaculate house cleaned by servants). If it isn't, well, then there is an argument for saying that it's time for some cultural change. That's the good thing about cultures, they are organic and they change and develop. Hopefully embrace the good and discard the less good. usually that's the way, anyway.

That's par for the course here. Many posters can barely see past their own nose 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I agree that you and dh sound disorganised. The staying up all night is nuts. Why did you need to decorate and cook such elaborate meals for two people?
Eid dinner doesn’t have to be that elaborate.
You didn’t eat with them, your dd didn’t eat, you resent your dh dropping his family off home.
This is all so haphazard and dh dropping his family off at 10.30 isn’t the issue.

Unless the OP's husband is a woman, a man did the all night cleaning here.

No he did three hours of cleaning because he was slow and ineffectual.

OP was the one who was up until 4am, cooking for his family, many of who didn’t even turn up at the last minute.