To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

It sounds like they barely celebrated Eid before I met him. But they've seen DH come to my family's things and how they do it and want the same.

They may want specific food but to put it bluntly they get what they're given if someone else ishosting

Maybe go back to what you did when you were not married - cook one item and take it over.

DP and you need to reiterate that a couple of times a day! Then if plans change you say fine, bring the food to ours. We will make x as before.

I think they are CF's though. Plans wouldn't have changed at the last minute if they had actually prepared for anyone coming to theirs.

Wow! Then I'm even more horrified by their expectations. So Eid was not even part of their culture before you came on the scene, and yet, is this really what they expect?

Or, do they not really expect it, but you are trying to live up to your own ( possibly unrealistic, in the circumstances) high standards?

It was 2 guests.

They want to do the same. They feel sad that they can't do the same with DH. And DH wants the same too.

As an aside, I too am fine to do it but on my terms - plan it ahead so that I can be properly organised and not shattered. I want to give DD a nice experience for Eid and planned a lot for her to have a good time. However, for me, that looks like Eid on rotation between the adults in the family. I think it's a fair, shared way to do it.

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

This is a great opportunity to show your daughter that it doesn't have to be this way. You can change things. Next time say 'as it is short notice then this is what I can manage to prepare...' then say what it is. So that might be that some of the food is pre-made frozen such as samosas. Or that the guests all bring something. Or that your husband is given a dish to prepare. Or that the meal is scaled back. If you continue to perpetuate this notion that things have to be done in a certain way then that will continue to the next generation until someone says actually I'm not doing it anymore. I say this as someone from a very multicultural family including Muslims who celebrate Eid.

Then you say, fine, whatever, we won’t go to your mums. You don’t seem to get it. I am not hosting this every year for your family. We don’t go to your mums, we won’t see them. I am never hosting it without 3 weeks advance notice , I will not be in the house when they come if you book it last minute and I am not hosting more than once every second year UNLESS I offer. Not you pressure me, not you invite them, if I decide to offer. When we host, I cook what I want to and your sister can jjust fucking leave if she complains. That minute. These are my rules, take them or the alternative is I never ever host Eid again. We can just go to my mums , and your mum come sometimes.

Then yes I would be happy for DH to take her home. He sounds a lovely son too. Special occasions can be stressful affairs but often only come round once a year and worth it to be together and celebrate.

I agree with you, there.
However, there have been an unfortunate set of events here.

1)DH should not have sprung this on you.

2. He should not have been unable to do more than a surface clean of the house and put up some decorations. He may be an atrocious cook but that doesn't mean he can't chop and prepare a lot of the food.

3. Bar Norovirus or injury, your BIL and your MIL's two siblings should not have cancelled at the last minute.

4. What IS going on with your SIL and MIL's behaviour, that they 'want' to experience a lovely Eid but are unwilling to get themselves to and from your house, don't lift a finger to help and watch you not eat, while they all do?

5. By your own admission, your understanding of a real, lovely Eid, is where the burden is shared on rotation.
   Your DH and in-laws are not abiding by this, so you need to learn from this experience and recognise that, if you let them, they will take and take and you are setting yourself up to give and give. Thereby you reasonably feel resentment and exhaustion.

The future is what you make it, in this situation. Next time, there needs to be clear communication between you and DH as to a fair division of labour, who does what...explicitly. what jobs too...what expectations you EACH expect of one another, and are they realistic.
Are you looking for approval from DH and your in-laws, if so, ask yourself WHY you have set yourself such unattainable standards to please them.

To use the oft quoted Mumset phrase,
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm."

All the best OP. X

All these comparisons with Christmas make the food and house prep point rather well. We've hosted a few times for 10-12, including with a toddler, and it really wasn't days of cooking; prep the day before with a clean, finish prep in the morning. We bought in the desserts and sauces as shortcuts, everything else was made fresh. Similarly for the big family parties (usually 30 at our house), we do a mix of freshly cooked and some bought-in bits. There will have been shortcuts OP could have taken too, to make it manageable; the choice isn't 12 * 4 hour prep dishes versus oven chips. The SIL should be given short shrift by the DH if she's rude, not pandered to. This is supposed to be family coming together for a meal; everyone should be kind to each other and feed the child. If they can't manage that without every one of them getting upset then the whole concept needs revisiting.

I think you should go back to doing this. Invite your MIL to celebrate with your family. Your MIL's sisters can sort themselves out like they did this year. (They clearly got another invitation they preferred at the last minute, or else they're just not fussed.) Your SIL can go wherever her husband is going. (Presumably he also went to his own family.)

This.

The whole thing is crazy. Why on earth do an all-nighter cooking? Just scale back.

But agree you should not have taken MIL home. Your h could have. But in future, arrange this iN advance. Dh should all do his share of cooking, shopping etc.

What a performance.

Taxis are just as unsafe as trains. I've been in taxis that time of night where the driver has literally been drinking a can of beer while driving or rushing to get home. Also lots of horror stories in the news re taxi drivers.

Trains difficult to rely on that time of night (I've been stranded earlier than that from the last one not turning up or terminating early).

I would say they stay over or book a hotel for anything likely to run later than 8pm, personally. That way they can still get home when it's light.

But they don't actually want to do the same because this isn't what you do in your family.

In your family, everyone pitches in to help. They don't leave it to one person who is so busy cooking for and serving everyone else that they are excluded from the actual celebration.

Honestly, just do not do it again. If they say they want that next year, say, "Good idea, SIL it's your turn to host this time. Let me know if you need any recipes."

Or say, "OK, this time SIL is bringing the samosas, MIL you're in charge of the dessert" and so on. If anyone objects, you say, "I thought you wanted to do it the way we do it in my family. This is how we do it in my family."

If they still object, you either uninvite them, or you buy all the food in (which is still a big deal because I doubt they'd offer to pay for any of it) and if anyone turns their nose up at samosas which aren't homemade, you stand up for yourself.

You say, "MIL, SIL, ten separate homemade dishes is not something that happens by magic. It's too much work for one person to do alone. Last year I tried, it nearly killed me, three people cancelled at the last minute and none of the rest of you lifted a single finger to help. Neither DD nor I actually had any dinner. That is NOT how it happens in my family, and it is NOT how we are doing it in this family. Never again."

It is absolutely insane to cook this amount of food and spend this much time and not even be in the room to enjoy it!

if your MIL and SIL could only come for 3 hours at the end of the day, then they don’t get a massive feast, they get a snack.

You’re not a slave. And you’re bringing dd up to think that this drudgery is normal. Do better.

And discuss this with your SIL - she should be hosting too. It’s totally unfair for you to do it all.

Have read all posts now. Your SIL is an emotionally abusive twat. Tell her that she has to host too, or she’s not invited to yours.

You and your h have to woman up. What are you scared of her doing?

You’ve had great advice here. I hope you can take it on.

This is even worse!!

They're using you and they have no gratitude whatsoever.

I don't celebrate Eid however it sounds like you went above and beyond here.

I'm questioning if you ever stick up for yourself? You mentioned you were hungry, why couldn't you go to the dining room and say 'someone else is going to have to continue with food now, it's my time to eat'?

You must grow a backbone and delegate tasks. 'SIL, you're on starters, MIL is on desserts, we will provide curries'.

Or even braver 'No, DH. I won't be cooking this time'. If he's already invited them without your knowledge, that's on him to sort.

You must use your words, stop being walked over, stop being taken advantage of and stop being a martyr.

What’s wrong with your mum taking a taxi or uber at 10:30?

What would she have done before DH started driving given he only learned to drive a couple of years ago and and no one in his family can drive which means she has always used public transportation most of her life?

Now she’s suddenly too good to take a taxi home at 10:30 and would rather her son drives back and forth and gets back home 12:30am because her life would be in danger if she took a taxi right?

I’m just very confused about the toddler. I used to feed my toddlers about 4ish and then they’d have a bit of warm milk at 6 and then bedtime at 7 at the latest. Why would they be napping so late and then waking up and then not have had dinner past the time they should be asleep for the night? I think that alone made the whole thing much more stressful!

To add to my previous reply, I'm a bit concerned about this part, @gollyimholly:

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

This suggests that you have not been firm enough with your husband.

You need to read him the riot act about this.

Your starting point for discussions should be that you are never hosting his family for Eid again. Your MIL is welcome to come and celebrate with your family if she would like to. Your SIL and those who cancelled can go fuck themselves.

You need to point out that the fact that they've seen what Eid is like in your family and they want the same thing for themselves is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If you are expected to host them on a regular basis from now on, you will never get to enjoy Eid yourself because they will always expect to be catered for in the same way they would be in your family, except that in your family everyone pitches in to help rather than leaving it to one person to do everything.

If they're not willing to help then they don't deserve a nice Eid celebration like the ones you have in your family.

And be clear about the fact that in future, you decide whether to host and who to invite, not him. He has absolutely no business volunteering to host, in the full knowledge that he's incapable of doing 99% of the work and it will fall to you. Who does he think he is, volunteering you for all that work to host his lazy, rude, ungrateful relatives? Particularly his sister, given that it sounds like she's never made a samosa in her life but will turn her nose up if yours don't meet her exacting standards.

Tell him very clearly that next year is an absolute non starter, you will not be hosting anyone at all, and in future years you will have a conversation about it together, discuss what is reasonable (including his family members being given tasks to do to contribute), and IF you decide you are up for hosting, you decide when and what time and who and how much. If he EVER invites anyone for Eid without clearing it with you first, they will be eating toast or whatever the fuck your husband can cook, because you won't be there, you'll be at your mum's house.

Say it all now. Say it all next year. And be prepared to follow through with it.

I routinely cook this kind of food. Not all of it required cooking on the day—the biryani is the only thing I would have done fresh. You did not have to spend three hours cooking and plating up this meal. Your dd was fine with just canapes at two years old or she could have eaten curry and biryani off of grandma’s plate.

I am generally on the OP’s side but this is a mountain out of a mole hill.

OP doesn't routinely cook this kind of food though.

I missed the fact that originally the husband invited SIL’s husband and MIL’s 2 sisters. Cooking a ritually significant meal for so many people and hosting it in a culturally meaningful way would have been impossibly difficult with such a short time frame. I apologize for my earlier post.