To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

It's hardly dramatic, just because you know one person who does something doesn't make the opposite extreme.

I also wouldn't see people making a late night journey on a bus if I was capable of giving them a lift

Myself or DH would always drop my Mum or MIL off at the time. Just put the baby to bed and clean up the next day. Sorry YABU.

Nothing wrong with it but I wouldn’t let my mum do it. I’d rather know that she’s home and in the house if getting home at 1130pm. Basic level of care and respect I’d give my mum

The OP wasn't even sitting at the table, so her husband, MIL and SIL were free to enjoy the fruits of her labour without having to endure her company.

And your point is?

This is really unfair.

Time for DH to learn how to cook

So what? They should all be bloody ashamed of themselves for their behaviour.

On the plus side, it's a win win for the OP if they decide they don't want to come again.

But the OP is a SAHM with one child, surely the house is very clean already, so to make it immaculate would just take a few hours?

I mean, I would definitely be able to cook Christmas dinner for 2 guests with 4 days' notice. It's just a meal, albeit an elaborate one.

🙄

Sounds like you have a DH problem and an in-laws problem to be honest. You need to drop the rope about being concerned about people not seeing each other and decline to host every time. They sound like lazy cheeky fuckers

Confused as to why people asking about why you hadn’t a plan for how your MIL is getting home. I wouldn’t given it any thought either. She’s 67! When lm that age l most likely will still be working and will be a big girl organising my way home

Sending sympathy, we have twins a similar age as your daughter. I’m tired and burned out, consequently l will not be hosting and providing elaborate meals. A lot of my family are confused this, seeming to think having / under 2 and working full time gives you lots of time to pander to others. It doesn’t. My boundaries are high. They most likely think lm hosting Christmas this year. I'm not -it's not my turn

I live in a Muslim country and have Muslim friends. The preparations for Eid are significantly more demanding than for Christmas dinner I can tell you that for certain. It’s an expectation that everyone wears new clothes, that the house is spotless and that the feast is plentiful and home cooked from scratch. As a teacher I can tell you that the kids stay up til all hours during the holy month of Ramadan and Eid. The idea of a set bedtime goes completely out the window. Daily life pretty much turns upside down. Currently? The streets were I live are absolutely silent , when they are chaotic, deafeningly loud and sometimes completely bewildering. This is because Eid is being celebrated in every home, and again, multiple multiple plates of food will be expected by guests, and delivered. I really feel for the OP. Whatever anyone has to say about disorganisation, martyrdom, her selfish husband etc etc …the expectations on her were huge and I think to some here very much misunderstood.

I think you need to drop the expectations of a perfect home that needs to be presented in a certain way when you have a 2-year-old. If you’re expected to stay in the kitchen and cook all day for guests, your DH needs to take your toddler out and not suddenly start a DIY project. It all sounds really disorganised and stressful. The driving MIL home sounds like the least of your issue - surely your toddler sleeps and you can go to bed?

The expectations were only placed by OP, her DH, her MIL and her SIL. The 2yo had no idea, and was the one who wasn't fed at all. This is their closest family. I think some of you are very blinkered if you honestly believe that every Muslim in the world conforms to whatever "rules" you've seen from one place. Those expectations are entirely cultural not religious, while in most cultures you will find behind closed doors that kind families will take into account the actual humans involved in the process. Not the family OP married into, but with just 2 added extras they are a small enough number that her DH is more than capable of resetting expectations. If he chooses to.

@GRexim not in the least bit blinkered. I’m telling you about my daily lived experiences and merely trying to give a snapshot of what Eid might look like. I offered no views on who places expectations on who, nor what goes on behind closed doors.

Sorry but I think you’re being so dramatic. I have my IL’s over a few times a year (Eid included!) and there’s more than 10 of them each time. Your 2 year old couldn’t sit & eat with you? My MIL is the same age and I’d never see her catch a train or taxi at that time with or without another person with her. My DH 100% would probably collect them & take them back leaving me with all 3 of the children! Cooking is not that hard for extra people if you prep well. Maybe ask them to both bring a dish next time so it eases the burden on you a little bit? And if they’re expecting a spotless home maybe remind them you’ve got a 2 year old to tackle as well as the housework. At the end of the day as a Muslim (which I’m assuming you are as you mentioned Eid) your DH’s mother has a right over him, our mothers carry Jannah at their feet so I think your DH dropping them home once or twice a year shouldn’t be this much of an issue.

Well under normal circumstances I would expect a parent to be able to manage their own child alone for two hours so the other could take their parents home! A taxi would have a cost a fortune. But I can see why this would just be another in a long line of stresses if he has spent the whole evening letting you do everything.
In future, if he intends on taking them home you tell him he needs to pull his weight before hand so things are settled. That means DD fed, bedtime routine done together and DD in bed or at least on the way there when he leaves. And he helps with dinner. He may not be able to cook (or is weaponised incompetence) but he can set table, serve drinks, help plate up etc….

If I had £5 for every time someone used a word like 'crazy', 'insane', or 'batshit', or used the imperative telling the OP what to do for her own good, I'd be able to cater a halal iftar for her next year. The level of entitlement in commenters is staggering. No wonder women of colour have had to organise their own feminist and womanist theories and practices.