To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

@RiversofOtter5
" In fact at a lot of ultra orthodox Hindu events men have been the cooks not because of equality but because of ritual purity reasons."

What does this mean?

That in ultra Hindu events the women are considered "unclean"? So not worthy to cook?

Sounds Patriachal AND Matriarchal .
Patriarchal in that women are not pure enough to cater for others and Matriarchal,, in that elders are catered for by the younger, but female here.
And women, equally, being the "Bountiful fruit"? Sounds very convenient to hang all the responsibility on to one person to appease the men and the older women.

OP, would your DH have done all this, BEFORE you were in his life, for his family, especially as you have noted he is an "atrocious" cook?
I suspect not. You have been a great convenience in his life.

I think it is absolutely fine to observe the culture you have married into, but there, equally, should be the observation on your in-laws and DHs part, that you are doing this in a different culture too...one where there is not the ease of accessing specific ingredients, multiple other people to share the load and with very little notice. Add to that, you catered for 3 adults that cancelled at the last minute and you were also fasting, AND, it was accepted that you did not eat with them??

Culture or no, this just comes down to multiple examples of entitlement and bad manners.

If hosting the Eid dinner is the only way your in laws will see your child then you have a real problem. Eid is once a year. It seems you wouldn’t have cooked an Eid meal for just yourselves so the solution is you never host Eid again and instead invite them over for dinner at other times when the ritual of Eid (cleaning, specific dishes etc) doesn’t apply.

I don't understand all the stress and drama for hosting 2 people for 3h. why does it include 'a couple of days' shopping/cleaning decorating incl an overnighter. And then there are 4 functioning adults on the day and nobody was able to feed the 2 year old? it's all just batshit.

A 2 year old napping until 7pm? Wouldn't their bedtime be around that time? Unless they were up late to see their nan?
Shocking they weren't fed dinner with the family!
A whole night staying up cooking/cleaning/decorating just for a meal is really over the top.
Not unreasonable for husband to drive his mum home.
Sounds like utter chaos.

Maybe the problem is that you were out all day visiting your family, so had less time to prepare?

Could you just have everyone to yours for dinner instead, if you do this again?

I wouldn't expect my mum to get a taxi. Not being funny but if you're a SAHM I would think you had enough time to get organised, lots of mums do this and also have to work outside the home. Some of us with no husbands to help out.

I feel like the cultural differences on this one are too much for most of us to accurately reply.

For me and my partner we have both my parents and my in-laws over semi regularly. We have a 6month old and a 2 y/o along with 2 dogs, the house is busy! We would never spend an evening before cleaning the house, a quick 10 minute hoover and a cloth over the surfaces is fine, we keep the house clean and tidy but it is definitely lived in. We make something that is fairly easy to cook and doesn't need hours of prep time.

Any guests coming over around bedtime accept that one parent will disappear upstairs for anything from 30 mins - 1hour+ to put the kids to bed.

Luckily all parents drive, however if one set didn't we would offer lifts home (luckily local) but they would need to be at convenient times, they would either need to go before bedtime or after bedtime to make sure one parent wasn't left with chaos.

That's how it is, however, that is not appropriate in all cultures so I can't really give OP advice beyond this is how we do it but I suspect it may not work for wou.

Eid

Imagine having 24 hours to prepare for Christmas.

Which is why families usually collaborate. Or round me, pile into restaurants.

I know what Eid is. But OP is hosting 2 people. Not 20! you gotta keep it real.

This is not the point of your post, I know, but on future occasions, could you make some of the food (e.g. curries) and freeze it? In your shoes I'd be trying to do as much in advance as possible...

I think you're getting a terribly hard time from posters who don't seem to understand that a) clingy 2 year olds are extremely difficult to work around (I had one and I understand... it's like being shackled and makes everything 10x harder to achieve... there are 2 year olds, and then there are clingy/high maintenance 2 year olds...) and b) that being out of routine occasionally isn't the end of the world!

That doesn't make sense though. Christmas isn't sprung on you. Big occasions aren't sprung on you. If you feel the need to redecorate and deep clean you don't wait until 24 hours before to do it all.

You do if, like the OP, you have two days’ notice that you need to do it.

No you really don't. Regardless of the culture if someone is invited to a huge meal like Eid or Christmas that is traditionally prepared for much further in advance just days before and does nothing to assist the host then they take you as they find you, they eat what they are given and they are grateful for the effort that's been made last minute. Anything else is just rude.

@Bluebell865 there were going to be more people but they bailed at the last minute.

Maybe not as batshit as two clashing cultural systems, both relying on men that are sky pilots coming to earth. One thousands of years ago, that we bring trees into the house for, have a huge meal for. The other, totally imaginary, who breaks into homes by sliding down a chimney, going into every home in the world and randomly decides if kids deserve gifts or not.

No, of course, 'traditional' British culture is not batshit at all.

I did mean to say that no one redecorated but the edit times out. They just decorated and cleaned the house. The OP has said her other half did the cleaning slowly and put up some Eid decorations. No deep cleaning either. Just making the house look festive. Ideally he would have done it quicker and helped with the cooking as much as he could. But describing it as you do is misleading.

This all sounds very stressful and it isn't fair that it's all on you.

I think you should have a chat with your dh and say that in future things will be different.

If in-laws want a home cooked feast then SIL needs to step up and help. Otherwise if it's all on you, then I would choose a couple of bits to make from scratch and order in everything else.

I've done that for Christmas before - we moved in the week before and were having both sets of parents and my brother to stay. But with unpacking and cleaning it all got too much so rather than cook from scratch like we usually do we went to m&s on Christmas Eve and got absolutely everything from bread sauce/stuffing/turkey etc. The only things I made myself were the roast potatoes and the sherry trifle. That way we actually had a lovely Christmas, we got to spend time with the kids, all went for a walk and the food was actually delicious.

If his family are going to be disorganised and refuse to commit to anything in advance and then care so little about your effort that half of them cancel on the day, then it really isn't worth running yourself ragged. Particularly if that then negatively impacts on the one person who has no choice in any of this, your dd.

I've never heard the likes of it.

Is it your first time here then?
🤦‍♀️🤣

Sorry,OP but are you seen as the family skivvy ?
Does anyone consider your needs ?
You’ve said you don’t want to host but it goes ahead anyway !
Did anyone during this “ hosting” ask you how you feel? Ask if you need help? Ask if you need to sit down and join them ?
Does it feel like you’re being used? Sounds like you’re used to giving all and receiving nothing back and you’re accepting it.

Op i think you place too much pressure on yourself with regards to the amount of cooking and tidying that needs to be done. Actually eid does not dictate certain foods you must cook and make , home made as you said in your first post. That's your culture and choice, don't put this on religion. I do agree that making your hubby drive an hour each way for a lift is excessive but I'm thinking of him rather then you. Why can't you manage without him whilst he's gone, especially as it sounds as if he helps you loads anyway. If this is a problem.for you don't host and instead all meet up at a restaurant half way. Your sil and mil can get a cab together , no lifts needed.

I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc.

This is the heart of the matter. You spent literally hours and hours cooking, and felt unable to simplify the meal, and didn't even get to sit down and eat any yourself during the 3 hour event, because you are unable to stand up to other peoples tears and bullying.

No-one will treat you with respect and consideration if you don't learn to stand up for yourself.

Find your backbone, tell DH 'No' next year, and if they all do arrive on your doorstep feed them pasta with sauce from a jar. Then when the tears and tantrums start, pick up you handbag and go out by yourself for the evening.
You probably find this suggestion laughably unthinkable - why is that?

You need to improve your comprehension, and stop using the word "should" - you're attempting to inflict your cultural norms on people from a different culture.

The child didn't have a specific "dinner", but she had eaten, the OP clearly states that she had had a late nap following a large lunch, isn't hungry after waking, which happened at 7.30, but had eaten canapés during the meal.

As for what time children "should" eat - you realise that's also "some made up expectations" and there are no hard and fast rules?

Set meal times means people are conditioned to eat whether hungry or not, which isn't healthy. If the child was hungry everyone would have known.

Plus, it's highly likely that, even if she didn't have a specific "dinner" her grandmother and aunt would have been giving her little tastes of things - the children in our family can't move at Eid (or any other day) without having someone trying to stick a little bite of food in their mouth.

Did you miss the bit where it wasn't supposed to be just two, the others pulled out last minute, ignorant sods.

Re-reading your posts again OP, can you explain why it used to be a group effort before you got married but now it all falls to you?

Your husband and in laws really have behaved atrociously here. (Mostly your husband for inviting them without consulting you and then presenting it as a done deal, but also your MIL and SIL for not helping at all and the three others for cancelling at the last minute.)

I honestly think you need to have some very harsh words with your husband and say that if he ever, ever does that again, you will simply go to your parents for Eid and stay over, and he will have to come up with an explanation for why you are not there and the promised celebration meal has not materialised. And you need to stick to that, otherwise this will happen again and again and again.

Next year you should just refuse point blank to do it though, and say that it's someone else's turn to host, and if no one on his side of the family steps up, you will celebrate Eid with your family only and he can drive over to see his mother in the evening if he wants.

Not laughably unthinkable but it would make me feel really anxious if I actually did that. I don't want to invite trouble and I feel like SIL especially is capable of all kinds challenging that I would struggle to deal with.

I will stand more firm with DH next time this happens and will suggest a restaurant or going to MIL's. DH himself is nervous to stand up to SIL so I know it isn't just me.

Previously MIL has come to my mum's for Eid or I will have cooked something and taken it to hers. And so going to hers is definitely an option.

I do feel bad for DH as he would love for MIL to play with DD more etc and it is just difficult to do that at hers. I can appreciate her side completely. Equally, SIL could host at hers where there's space but I don't think the thought has ever crossed her mind.