To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

Non drivers shouldn't expect someone to do 2 hours driving late at night to get them home

YABU not to put your foot down about hosting.

Tell him to piss off the next time he mentions it. Why are you spending all night cleaning and decorating for a dinner party. What you're describing sounds like unnecessary stress. Just stop.

I think that’s fair. I’ve been to many Eid and Diwali meals for twenty people or more, but one person wasn’t cooking everything, guests were bringing large amounts of the food, and everyone was pulling pre-prepared stuff out of the freezer. I make samosas myself. They freeze really well.

Yet elsewhere on this site, and quite rightly, posters advise that drunk offspring should be picked up in the wee small hours from clubs, and that we should have a care for women's safety at night on the streets. Getting one's own mother home is just the same.

Boggling at the idea that a 67 year old can’t take a train home at 10.30pm. My 88 year old father did it on his own at 11pm after an event recently. The MiL here wasn’t even alone!

Your husband is the main problem here, along with his family. Had you bought and prepared enough food for the last minute no-shows as well? Unless they were ill, they’re all incredibly rude.
I would be telling your DH in no uncertain terms, that you won’t be doing anything on that scale alone again and if he wants to host then he makes it clear that everyone needs to pitch in.
Having said that, you agreed to go along with it (even though you didn’t want to), so you’ve got to take some responsibility for that too.
I can’t believe the three of them sat there eating all the food that you’d prepared and yet not one of them told you to come and sit down for a minute. They all sound utterly awful.

Yeah, this.

If they can’t host, why can’t they come early and do some of the cooking?

It's not whether she can. It's whether it's kind and soft and loving. Filial duty and gentleness.

Apart from safety considerations if they're in ethnic dress or otherwise visible minorities. As there is so much hatred being stirred up in the media against difference.

I am 67 and would be horrified at the idea of my Dc driving a 2 hour return journey to save me an hour’s train trip.

I travel by train in the evening/ late night all the time.

Unless there is a very specific disability or illness that precludes travel I have little patience with this acquired fragility and helplessness of all sorts of people

But what you do about it OP, I am not sure. Because the expectation is doubtless built on a lifetime of conditioning, cultural norms etc.

Just be on your guard in future and pitch your own efforts accordingly (I.e don’t go all out and exhaust yourself with hosting)

No, you are making all sorts of personal comments about me because you think posters who call OP's culture crazy are fine, but I can't make any negative observations whatsoever even based in experience. It's DARVO. It is not ok for people to come on here and tell OP how to do Eid when they have no insight and it's gravely concerning that in a multicultural world people have such little insight! Report away. I've been thinking of reporting the whole thread.

To be fair it is the OP who mentioned about nobody remembering to feed her 2 year old!. I come from a culture where it's normal for kids to stay up late on certain occasions and if family are round etc but they get fed!!!

OP I’m sorry what was meant to be a celebration and bonding over food was so horrible for you. Whatever culture we are from it feels deep,y universally wrong for any human to be treated like a servant while others act selfishly.

When families get together, surely the way to show good manners, kindness and care is for everyone to help to make it a lovely time. In our family that means that we (granny and grandpa) will take a homemade dish and look after little one while parents also enjoy getting together.

I think it would be good if you and your husband can talk about how to celebrate future special times and plan how to make it happy and fair for all. Don’t let your fear of criticism and unkind words from SIL intimidate you into not being an equal OP. In your home you need to have a voice and choose with DH how you want your daughter to grow up and what values are important.

Also use a freezer!

I love this post. Great suggestions. And now I want sevaiyan 😅 as my grandmother used to make...

Just noticed that Eid is explicitly mentioned at the end (see what I mean about reading quickly) so clearly it is just people who don't have the cultural context, otherwise, as you were.

So many people on here popping up to ask questions that just a quick read of the OP’s posts would make clear, or make suggestions that miss the point. Why do people see a multi page thread and think that nothing on it will be worth reading before they post?

The two year old had been at her grandparents for lunch and the afternoon and had a late nap. She was out of routine on a celebration day, probably fullish from a big lunch. It doesn’t mean that it’s not crap that none of the adults made sure she’d had some food but there’s a context to her being up late.

For accuracy: Eid is mentioned twice in the OP; once very early in the second paragraph. The MIL not having 100% English fluency and being bad at geography/directions is mentioned in between.

Posters here are not just hasty readers. Some are judging OP by their own cultural norms. This is inappropriate.

I'm off to work now.

(As my grandmother's grandmother was Muslim but my grandmother wasn't she didn't learn to cook sevaiyan at home; shock horror she and the neighbours must have been in and out of each other's kitchens 😅 I wish more people were.)

You have both literally made a meal out of this one. Please don't neglect to feed your child again, she should have regular mealtimes at say 7, 12 and 5pm. You're really minimising the neglect here and it's disgusting. It doesn't matter if you feed yourself or not, but she is totally dependent on you so be organised. Of course DH should drive MIL home or get her a taxi, that has nothing to do with nobody feeding a 2yo until 10.30pm.

Your claim is that you spent 19 hours one day and 3 hours the next day cooking for 4 adults. That's both insane and very silly. Not too mention really rude to not actually sit with your guests. Next time buy some bits in, make some other bits fresh and leave the frills out.

Who did this meal help? Not the 2yo, she was neglected and unfed. Not you, you didn't eat. Not DH, he got caught in a row about driving. Not MIL, she was ignored by you all meal then you argued about her being taken home. Not SIL, also ignored by you all meal. Reset your plans to focus on the humans with what they want and need, rather than some made-up expectations around specific cooked dishes.

Look, I too am rolling my eyes at the posters saying, "why didn't you just roast a chicken and steam some veggies?" and "unless the food was very spicy they could have just given the two year old something from their plates".

Read the damn thread.

At the same time, this is a UK based parenting site where most posters do not share this cultural background.

I am not a Muslim. I know what Eid is. I understand the effort that would go into preparing a meal like this, and why it wouldn't be acceptable to just get a takeaway, or buy ready made samosas, or have a simple dinner rather than one with ten different dishes all made from scratch, and why the house needed to be perfect rather than just "good enough". These things are important for certain cultural celebrations and I can respect that even if I'm not from that culture.

What I can't muster up any respect for is the idea that the OP, or any DIL in this situation, needs to run herself ragged so that her husband can show off, for the benefit of lazy and ungrateful people who think it's OK to sit on their arses and let the person who has spent the last couple of days cooking wait on them hand and foot.

If that really is part of this culture then perhaps people from that culture should be asking themselves whether their culture needs to change, not telling others to respect it.

Because misogyny is something that I will never respect, regardless of the culture. That's not racism, it's feminism.

Your cultural insensitivity is ridiculous and smacks of wilful ignorance.

So what has SIL done to be worthy of such respect that she doesn't have to lift a finger?

Fail to learn to cook samosas and remain unmarried as a consequence? Because that sounds like the most brilliant strategic incompetence to me. I think if I were from that culture, remaining single and MIL free would look extremely appealing.

Non Muslims, apparently.