To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

OP, Eid is not a surprise. Plan for it. Things like biryani's and samosas freeze really well.
Or shock horror... find a brand/restaurant you like that you can decorate up, add your chutneys to and pass off as your own.

Treat it like Christmas - people are not understanding you but for Christmas you have people planning, making and freezing things all the way from September. Do the same - start well before Ramadan for Eid prep.

Rest of year, pick a much smaller menu when hosting them - and do all one pot meals - no naans or roti made from scratch. A big pot of biryani, pot of sevaiyan and a pack of frozen samosas. If they ask for something different, order it in.

Leave the post cleaning for the next day. Drive them home yourself - it's nice in the night - peaceful, calming after the chaos. Play your favourite music loud on the way back.

Haha no, my own hosting is of a poor standard.

Yes I do think the dirty houses are culture. There are no ritual purity rules in most secular and many Christian households. This is why there are shoes indoors, books in bathrooms, meat and dairy stored together, etc.

Sorry, culturesplaining doesn't wash here.

Then perhaps stop speaking for whole cultures based on having a few friends of those cultures.

@HereForTheFreeLunch OP wasn’t expecting to host so couldn’t prepare for it

The issue for me is an unfed and up two year old at 10.30pm. What wasn’t the child fed and in bed at a reasonable hour. Judgy, sorry.

it shouldn’t have been a problem for your husband to drop them home. Surely the kitchen was sorted out and all you had to do was go to bed

I'm not giving my life history here but my family is VERY mixed as is my travel background.

Exactly. Racists out in force. Same ones who will be banging on for weeks on end about the stress of Christmas.

Same ones whose houses I'll avoid because they always have worms and lice. And store bought food. And their back turned to guests and calling out over their shoulder.

Yes, that's true.

The same thing will happen next year. Mil can't host, sil doesn't want to host. So they both land up at OP's whose duty it is to host.

For next year have a plan - either plan to go somewhere else or invite them. Just chilling at home will mean another surprise last minute invite.

were They the only attendees? You’re quite dramatic. I host my in-laws regularly. I have 2 under 2.5. I do cooking and prep when husband is home.

I do find having 2 year old at home quite tiring and busy. I don’t get a second if I’m on my own. (Baby naps, but she doesn’t!). Maybe get a job and childcare - you then get a bit of time to think. For instance you can take a day off when daughter is in nursery if you have something important to do.

i think getting a taxi is fine, but I can’t see how the whole event was so chaotic and exhausting. Nothing would stop me putting child to bed on time.

Because when the family eat iftar it is a celebration after the sun has gone down. And the final iftar is a long drawn out meal, that is eaten in specific stages. So not a 'chuck it down your neck' meal.

Eid isn't a surprise but OP wasn't expecting to have to host until her DH sprung it on her with four days' notice.

Agree with this comment, I don't think it's cultural ignorance of anyone to point out that it's a bit highly bloody convenient that so many cultures seem to end up with women running around doing everything for the family and extended family - just because some cultures have managed to spin it as a position of honour, when you lay it out its still women cooking and cleaning and organising and doing the childcare while men have much more free and relaxation time. It's not misunderstanding anything to say so.

Can’t imagine a two year old cares about iftar. Dinner and bed at usual time. Adults, enjoy yourselves!

In fact at a lot of ultra orthodox Hindu events men have been the cooks not because of equality but because of ritual purity reasons.

What are you talking about? Who has worms and lice?

Family. Includes the children. It's a religious celebration which is passed down through the generations. It doesn't translate to a non-Christian Christmas meal. Or to an individualistic culture which most of us share in the UK.

But it's ok to say 'crazy'...?
Worms and lice in my experience are much more common in families with school age children and no religious washing rules.

Crikey - you really are awfully prejudiced, aren't you?

No, I have been repeatedly shocked in people's homes.

The whole situation, last minute hosting, needing to spend all night cooking and decorating to host family would seem U to many people. But clearly the dynamic in your family is to make this huge effort, so in the context of that, I'm not sure the lift home is the hill to die on. Personally I think you are going to a great deal more work for your Hs family than most would be happy with. If this is something that's a day to day feature of your life, then it might be time to think about asserting yourself with your H to bring about some gradual changes. He could learn to cook for starters!

I think a lot of posters are missing the differences in cultures here however, It's insanity to me that you were left to do all the cooking yourself. I'm not asian but I do have Asian friends and holiday meals such as Eid are usually all the women pitching in together? The meals are long and complicated so I'm not surprised you were stressed, added with the extra hassle of your home needing to be almost hotel standard to please MIL and not be judged, I just don't know what to say. DH or MIL should have fed dd as you were stuck in the kitchen. The lift is understandable but again not really when you're being left to do everything by yourself. I feel for you op.

Before marriage, it really was a big family effort and we'd all contribute a bit for it all to come together.

Yes, this is the norm I think.

I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc

Your IL's expectations (that you do everything alone) are not the norm. They cannot have it both ways. If they want the whole nine yards, they need to pitch in.

Yeah, this, it's the collision of a nuclear family setup with a way of life that needs extended family input.

We’re all atrocious cooks until we bother to learn not to be - tell your DH that he has to do that, ignorance is no excuse.

Otherwise it will always all fall to you - and to your daughter, and your daughter’s daughter.