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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I snapped at work… how bad is it?

217 replies

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:23

Im in a mid management role, no direct reports but do work with people more junior, their job is to support me and my peer in the delivery of key business tasks.

I’m relatively new in the role (6 months) there are some obscure processes and policies I’m still finding out about. My performance in role has been met with praise from exco, so I’m doing well)

there is one jnr who frankly is incredibly difficult to the extent I dread working together because it’s a battle. A simple task is met with a huge amount of pushback and moaning and reasons why not to do something. Things mysteriously not getting saved etc etc. General rudeness. It has been escalated.

this is a persistent issue with everyone but I do feel it’s worse with me.

today, very simple bau task, the same nonsense very aggressive with it too. Then basically tattles to my peer on zoom, who then sides with me and invites me to the call. The junior guy then turns around and flips it on me, saying it’s not his responsibility and how the direction wasn’t clear. To which i pointed out it’s fine to ask a question if the ask isn’t clear but xyz needs to be done. He mumbles some shit sarcy shit about it not being clear, my peer says the email I sent was pretty clear and he’s been in role long enough to know what was meant. He mutters something under his breath. I snapped. I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed, and it’s making me quite cross, so to that end I’m leaving this call. I think I was calm in my tone of voice, but I was shaking on the inside.

was I hideously unprofessional

my logic was, I’m not getting drawn into an argument of he said she said and playing the blame game, especially when I was feeling quite tense. They really landed me in it big time last week through not doing some key tasks. I had to work well into the night to sort it .

am I going to get a telling off?

OP posts:
babasaclover · 31/03/2025 15:25

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Very calm in fact. I’d I were you’d I’d have said some unmentionables once the call ended to get the anger out 😂

Butterflyfern · 31/03/2025 15:25

Imo no, sounds like it needed to be said!

yeesh · 31/03/2025 15:26

He needed to be told

PsychoHotSauce · 31/03/2025 15:26

babasaclover · 31/03/2025 15:25

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Very calm in fact. I’d I were you’d I’d have said some unmentionables once the call ended to get the anger out 😂

I'd have done the same and then realised I'd missed the end call button in my rage and I was still connected...

MoreChocPls · 31/03/2025 15:26

I’d flag with HR as he neeeds performance managing.

HomeTheatreSystem · 31/03/2025 15:29

I would hope not. The jnr sounds like trouble and a PITA for his peers and managers alike. You and his peer let him know his pathetic work swerving antics have been noted and patience is running thin.

myotheraccountsa · 31/03/2025 15:29

I'd say reasonable in what you said but leaving the call seems very drama diva. I'd also say a manager being like this with a jnr wouldn't be taken well in my company - you'd be expected to have the conversation quietly in private and offer constructive feedback or take up with their manager

turkeyboots · 31/03/2025 15:30

I'd document it all in an email. One for your boss/HR/offical record and one for him to underline that this is unacceptable. You could apologise for your tone if you are worried, but be clear that his behaviour was poor regardless.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 31/03/2025 15:31

I think you were perfectly reasonable. He needed to be told and understand that someone getting cross with him is an understandable consequence of his snarky behaviour.

It's always good to have a witness to these conversations though (which you did). Years ago I had to tell off a direct report and he was upset about it. I thanked my lucky stars I had a witness who said I'd been firm but fair, otherwise I could easily have envisaged him having made a complaint.

OiBonita · 31/03/2025 15:34

Mmm… you flounced and your senior. You didn’t handle it well.

knickerstothat · 31/03/2025 15:38

Well done on sticking up for yourself and you were fair and reasonable from what you’ve described. I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about here. You removed yourself from an escalating situation and you stated why. You did well.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 31/03/2025 15:41

knickerstothat · 31/03/2025 15:38

Well done on sticking up for yourself and you were fair and reasonable from what you’ve described. I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about here. You removed yourself from an escalating situation and you stated why. You did well.

This. I've also done this and it didn't feel good at the time but it definitely felt better than losing my temper and saying something I regretted. We're all human

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:43

turkeyboots · 31/03/2025 15:30

I'd document it all in an email. One for your boss/HR/offical record and one for him to underline that this is unacceptable. You could apologise for your tone if you are worried, but be clear that his behaviour was poor regardless.

I think my tone was fine, because I didn’t shout or anything I just it wasn’t necessary and left, but it’s the whole leaving thing. It just really rattled me

OP posts:
Thebloodynine · 31/03/2025 15:46

Don’t worry about leaving the call.

You need to write an email now about every occasion in which he has failed or refused to do the work required of him, and the impact this is having. Send it on to his manager and HR (whatever your management structure is) and copy the guy in.

BountifulPantry · 31/03/2025 15:48

Go and speak to his boss and your boss. Tell them what happened and give clear details of the issues you’ve had with him (facts) and examples of work that’s incomplete and the impact on the business. You want to explain how it’s affecting the business and much much less on how he is affecting you.

Unlikely to be an isolated incident- if he is difficult with you then he will be difficult with others.

He isn’t your direct report so isn’t your issue- just report up to your bosses and keep doing so every time you have an issue.

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:48

myotheraccountsa · 31/03/2025 15:29

I'd say reasonable in what you said but leaving the call seems very drama diva. I'd also say a manager being like this with a jnr wouldn't be taken well in my company - you'd be expected to have the conversation quietly in private and offer constructive feedback or take up with their manager

Yes the leaving the call, I instantly felt like a knob because I let it rile me.

ordinarily I would’ve gently called him on it, but he left me In the shit big time last week, and my kid had an emergency this morning, that resulted in an emergency medical appointment so I was probably more tense that normal.

i said nothing untoward but I’m worried I look shit now basically or weak or a drama queen

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 31/03/2025 15:49

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:48

Yes the leaving the call, I instantly felt like a knob because I let it rile me.

ordinarily I would’ve gently called him on it, but he left me In the shit big time last week, and my kid had an emergency this morning, that resulted in an emergency medical appointment so I was probably more tense that normal.

i said nothing untoward but I’m worried I look shit now basically or weak or a drama queen

You’re a human being.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 31/03/2025 15:50

I voted yanbu because you behaved in a perfectly reasonable manner

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:50

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 31/03/2025 15:41

This. I've also done this and it didn't feel good at the time but it definitely felt better than losing my temper and saying something I regretted. We're all human

That was basically it, I didn’t want to get drawn into something but I should’ve just said, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to drop off now or something to that effect

OP posts:
Jesslikesjam · 31/03/2025 15:50

Sounds fine to me but then I have seen someone rip the phone out of the socket and throw it across the room and once another colleague in a different building wanted to resolve our problem by “coming up there and kicking your f**king head in” so nothing bothers me in the slightest

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:50

BountifulPantry · 31/03/2025 15:49

You’re a human being.

Thank you for being gentle with me. Really beating myself up

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 31/03/2025 15:53

As someone who has done middle management roles and knows how frustrating they can be, I think you handled that just fine.

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:54

BountifulPantry · 31/03/2025 15:48

Go and speak to his boss and your boss. Tell them what happened and give clear details of the issues you’ve had with him (facts) and examples of work that’s incomplete and the impact on the business. You want to explain how it’s affecting the business and much much less on how he is affecting you.

Unlikely to be an isolated incident- if he is difficult with you then he will be difficult with others.

He isn’t your direct report so isn’t your issue- just report up to your bosses and keep doing so every time you have an issue.

We have the same boss, and boss and I have spoken at length on this on several occasions. He gave me some tips with this person, which I attempted to implement today BUT the trying to blame me when he was called out and making snarky comments, honestly was a red flag moment, especially because I’ve been really helpful to him in the past, coached him through a lot of tasks to the detriment of my bau and I’ve had to work in the night to catch back up. It felt so underhanded

OP posts:
Organic82 · 31/03/2025 15:54

Has your peer contacted you since?

how long has the junior been there?

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 15:57

and my kid had an emergency this morning, that resulted in an emergency medical appointment so I was probably more tense that normal.

do they know this?

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