I snapped at work… how bad is it?

[Freakedfreaked]

Im in a mid management role, no direct reports but do work with people more junior, their job is to support me and my peer in the delivery of key business tasks.

I’m relatively new in the role (6 months) there are some obscure processes and policies I’m still finding out about. My performance in role has been met with praise from exco, so I’m doing well)

there is one jnr who frankly is incredibly difficult to the extent I dread working together because it’s a battle. A simple task is met with a huge amount of pushback and moaning and reasons why not to do something. Things mysteriously not getting saved etc etc. General rudeness. It has been escalated.

this is a persistent issue with everyone but I do feel it’s worse with me.

today, very simple bau task, the same nonsense very aggressive with it too. Then basically tattles to my peer on zoom, who then sides with me and invites me to the call. The junior guy then turns around and flips it on me, saying it’s not his responsibility and how the direction wasn’t clear. To which i pointed out it’s fine to ask a question if the ask isn’t clear but xyz needs to be done. He mumbles some shit sarcy shit about it not being clear, my peer says the email I sent was pretty clear and he’s been in role long enough to know what was meant. He mutters something under his breath. I snapped. I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed, and it’s making me quite cross, so to that end I’m leaving this call. I think I was calm in my tone of voice, but I was shaking on the inside.

was I hideously unprofessional

my logic was, I’m not getting drawn into an argument of he said she said and playing the blame game, especially when I was feeling quite tense. They really landed me in it big time last week through not doing some key tasks. I had to work well into the night to sort it .

am I going to get a telling off?

Seriously - think of him as a game or joker that you need to outsmart to get results. Play it and do not let him get to you.
re-frame it.

No, he’s not the guy that got you upset.

Yes, he’s that pathetic baby-man who can’t do a simple job. You need to trick him into thinking it’s all his idea to actually do the task.

Also, smile at him all the time, say hello, ask about his weekend and look interested. Ask him to speak first at a meeting, “I know we can all learn from you” etc etc. blow sunshine right up his bum…
have fun knocking him off-balance

Mary Ann Sieghart wrote a book called The Authority Gap, which I haven't read but I understand is about how and why many women are held back at work and don't make it to the top of the tree. And it is the familiar old nonsense of not respecting and accepting authority from a woman. I thought it had died out over the last fifty years or so but it seems not.

You have seen and described how this junior staff member is playing tricks and games which seem designed to undermine you - all the roadblocks etc designed to stall and disrupt. You see all this and understand very clearly what he is doing but that doesn't mean it doesn't have an effect on you psychologically and emotionally. It does: that's why you are jittery and over-questioning yourself and your actions. You are also relatively vulnerable because you are new in the job, therefore at a disadvantage with a more experienced (in that setting) junior and needing to establish yourself in the eyes of your boss and colleagues, and as if all that is not enough, also because you are a somewhat soft, sensitive person, (which often goes with being young) rather than a tough, imperious one.

The book might help with realising that this isn't something that is your fault or personal failing but a general phenomenon that affects many women - and yet may also be invisible or unrecognised by management and policy in the conduct of business. Whether it can help you with devising a strategy or just with a boost to your morale I don't know but i would expect the author probably has included some useful suggestions.

Can't help but notice it's a bloke giving you shit

Bet he wouldn't do that with 60 year old Tom

Personally I am not a fan of the "pause and think" answer, but I guess this is personal style and we are not giving OP speaking notes.

When you said “snapped” I thought you’d thrown a chair or something. I’d say this was a very mild snap.

No I’m not very early in my career I’m in my mid 30s

I’m too nice, not him, me…

Well done!

HR qualified here. You did the right thing walking away when the they were clearly looking to agitate and goad you (from what you’ve said). Document in a factual way and send to your manager.

Oh my god 😂 what industry?

DO NOT APOLOGISE to anyone. Women have been apologising where men haven’t for far too many years. You did what anyone would do in your position. You were being completely disrespected. Performance manage this loser out of his job. He needs to go.

Good for you.

I had a colleague say to another let's take it outside.
Wanted to punch him out.

Not 15 years more like 7 but i will say yes the first time I’ve encountered someone who’s this difficult. General rudeness I’ve seen but normally everyone I’ve met if they’ve been asked to do something chips in for the greater good, on the understanding we’re all a team

An old colleague of mine works in an area that is usually male dominated. She's very good and managed a team of 10 men at one point.

She experienced this sort of thing and worse a lot because some of the men just resented being directed by a woman. They'd deliberately misunderstand, forget to save files, forget to do work, claim she hadn't told them, claim her instructions weren't clear.

Her superiors always came.down on her side and drew the same conclusions - fragile men who didn't like being told what to do by a woman. She felt that some of it was deliberate sabotage because deadlines would get missed and the men who did this were high level professionals themselves so it didn't reflect well on them either. But they didn't seem to mind appearing incompetent because they just assumed everyone would think the woman was at fault.

It didn't help that she was very senior so the men she managed were senior and had direct reports themselves.

Their biggest complaint seemed to be that she hadn't asked them to do stuff nicely enough or the way they expected to be asked by a woman (that was the actual wording of one of the complaints against her).

I'd keep a record of all incidents going forward and take it higher. As someone else said, if he's being difficult with you, he's likely ro be difficult with others.

Truthfully I think this is what it boils down to, I was reflecting this morning, weaponised incompetence and thinking he’ll dodge the consequences

And, sadly, he's right to think that because so far there haven't been any consequences for him. I think it's actually very poor that senior people within your organisation know what he's like, but have done nothing about it. I'd have had him on a Performance Improvement Plan by now.