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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I snapped at work… how bad is it?

217 replies

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:23

Im in a mid management role, no direct reports but do work with people more junior, their job is to support me and my peer in the delivery of key business tasks.

I’m relatively new in the role (6 months) there are some obscure processes and policies I’m still finding out about. My performance in role has been met with praise from exco, so I’m doing well)

there is one jnr who frankly is incredibly difficult to the extent I dread working together because it’s a battle. A simple task is met with a huge amount of pushback and moaning and reasons why not to do something. Things mysteriously not getting saved etc etc. General rudeness. It has been escalated.

this is a persistent issue with everyone but I do feel it’s worse with me.

today, very simple bau task, the same nonsense very aggressive with it too. Then basically tattles to my peer on zoom, who then sides with me and invites me to the call. The junior guy then turns around and flips it on me, saying it’s not his responsibility and how the direction wasn’t clear. To which i pointed out it’s fine to ask a question if the ask isn’t clear but xyz needs to be done. He mumbles some shit sarcy shit about it not being clear, my peer says the email I sent was pretty clear and he’s been in role long enough to know what was meant. He mutters something under his breath. I snapped. I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed, and it’s making me quite cross, so to that end I’m leaving this call. I think I was calm in my tone of voice, but I was shaking on the inside.

was I hideously unprofessional

my logic was, I’m not getting drawn into an argument of he said she said and playing the blame game, especially when I was feeling quite tense. They really landed me in it big time last week through not doing some key tasks. I had to work well into the night to sort it .

am I going to get a telling off?

OP posts:
Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:15

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:13

Yeah, making out I hadn’t explained it very well. Even though there’s an email and it’s a bau task and it was mentioned on a team call.

it’s a tried and true trick. Blame someone else, so you sort of get bamzoozled and distracted so he’s not culpable. He sort of stonewalls you. It’s one of the thousand roadblocks he throws up, to either run down the clock so someone else does it, or so you just give up and do it yourself

But your peer also saw the email so it was a daft risk to claim it wasn’t clear!

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:16

you. It’s one of the thousand roadblocks he throws up, to either run down the clock so someone else does it, or so you just give up and do it yourself

it doesn’t concern you that he’s been there years and going now where it would seem?

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2025 16:18

Junior needs to go. Sounds like the kind of twat who doesn't like taking 'orders' from a woman.

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:20

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2025 16:18

Junior needs to go. Sounds like the kind of twat who doesn't like taking 'orders' from a woman.

Agreed but he’s been there years, so he’s doing something right

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 31/03/2025 16:20

Jesslikesjam · 31/03/2025 15:50

Sounds fine to me but then I have seen someone rip the phone out of the socket and throw it across the room and once another colleague in a different building wanted to resolve our problem by “coming up there and kicking your f**king head in” so nothing bothers me in the slightest

Did we work in the same school?!

Moveoverdarlin · 31/03/2025 16:21

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:48

Yes the leaving the call, I instantly felt like a knob because I let it rile me.

ordinarily I would’ve gently called him on it, but he left me In the shit big time last week, and my kid had an emergency this morning, that resulted in an emergency medical appointment so I was probably more tense that normal.

i said nothing untoward but I’m worried I look shit now basically or weak or a drama queen

I don’t think you look weak or a drama queen. You were quite controlled by bringing the conversation to a close. I would tell your superior and theirs ‘I had to leave the call as I was worried the conversation would escalate which would be unprofessional.’

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 31/03/2025 16:21

Sounds like you handled it well. The call wasn’t helpful to anyone and risked getting out of hand.
It needs to go further but that wasn’t the time or place. A formal minuted meeting face to face is going to be better than a teams meeting.

IDontHateRainbows · 31/03/2025 16:21

You need to get your higher ups on side, quick

Junior and longer serving employees can easily go the grievance route - if you don't have the backing from above it can be very easy to be put in the line of fire, especially if they have the support of other junior employees.

PorridgeEater · 31/03/2025 16:23

Can you ask your peer what they think? (presumably they witnessed this?)

Ineedanewsofa · 31/03/2025 16:23

You left the call because you could tell the conversation was not going in a productive or useful way - perfectly reasonable in my book. I have done similar and not had any pushback, in fact there is one colleague where I use the phrase “I don’t think we are going to solve/resolve this via Teams/email let’s have it on the agenda for our next in person meeting” all the time! They hate F2F conflict so it’s an easy win for me as I even though I don’t like it, I can do it

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 31/03/2025 16:24

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:20

Agreed but he’s been there years, so he’s doing something right

Not necessarily! Your comment did make me smile wryly though!

@Freakedfreaked I think what you did was fine. I think I might have given him a warning that you would terminate the call if he didn't rein it in. It was best not to engage in a war of words. I'd pull him in and speak to him about his attitude though. PIP definitely recommended too.

LemonTT · 31/03/2025 16:25

It was better to leave the call if you feel riled but you need to record why you felt riled. He was being critical of your direction but you need to explain exactly what he said and how he said it. Not on here obviously but in a file note. Ask your colleague to also write a note as to why they needed your support.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 31/03/2025 16:26

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:48

Yes the leaving the call, I instantly felt like a knob because I let it rile me.

ordinarily I would’ve gently called him on it, but he left me In the shit big time last week, and my kid had an emergency this morning, that resulted in an emergency medical appointment so I was probably more tense that normal.

i said nothing untoward but I’m worried I look shit now basically or weak or a drama queen

Look, it wasn't your finest moment - and I think you know that - but it wasn't 'hideously unprofessional'

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:26

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 31/03/2025 16:24

Not necessarily! Your comment did make me smile wryly though!

@Freakedfreaked I think what you did was fine. I think I might have given him a warning that you would terminate the call if he didn't rein it in. It was best not to engage in a war of words. I'd pull him in and speak to him about his attitude though. PIP definitely recommended too.

Well in that case, the company’s effort to manage this disruptive poor performer over the last “good few years” have been…. Pathetic

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:27

IDontHateRainbows · 31/03/2025 16:21

You need to get your higher ups on side, quick

Junior and longer serving employees can easily go the grievance route - if you don't have the backing from above it can be very easy to be put in the line of fire, especially if they have the support of other junior employees.

It is a persistent issue and it was one that was discussed on Friday for instance. But I’ll bring it up tomorrow In person because it will be easier. My peer even said prior to the call, the work dodging is chronic and needs to be escalated again.

im not sure there is grounds for grievance even for the most weasely person, because ultimately I didn’t say anything untoward, I should’ve just been more composed more unshakeable and laughed it off but been more firm at the same time. Just feel like I fell into that ‘hysterical woman’ trope

OP posts:
Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:29

PorridgeEater · 31/03/2025 16:23

Can you ask your peer what they think? (presumably they witnessed this?)

they said ‘lol, your fine, it will get done now LOL’

OP posts:
Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:31

Ineedanewsofa · 31/03/2025 16:23

You left the call because you could tell the conversation was not going in a productive or useful way - perfectly reasonable in my book. I have done similar and not had any pushback, in fact there is one colleague where I use the phrase “I don’t think we are going to solve/resolve this via Teams/email let’s have it on the agenda for our next in person meeting” all the time! They hate F2F conflict so it’s an easy win for me as I even though I don’t like it, I can do it

I think that’s more how I should’ve been.

glad we have a resolution now and you understand the task. In future do feel free to ask for clarity if you do not feel you understand. I don’t think the comments are appropriate or necessary. But I’ve got to dive off now, happy to pick up later.

hindsight

OP posts:
rosemarble · 31/03/2025 16:33

I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed

Good for you! I have a lot more respect for a manager who manages rather than the floppy fish who skirt around an issue.

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:36

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:26

Well in that case, the company’s effort to manage this disruptive poor performer over the last “good few years” have been…. Pathetic

They were in a more entry level role for several years and have just moved up to this one… they are capable and can do things, it’s not a capability thing, it’s a I don’t want to thing, I don’t know if it was an issue before

OP posts:
Cheeseplease23 · 31/03/2025 16:36

I think you did the best thing, always leave if you feel like this, it's better than saying something you'll regret. Good luck! I hope you're able to get sorted. You got this!!

AgingLikeGazpacho · 31/03/2025 16:37

I wouldn't judge you for this OP. Struggling to see how they could report you in a way that would actually threaten your job.

tillytoodles1 · 31/03/2025 16:39

Did you fart too?

Fancycheese · 31/03/2025 16:39

I don’t think you should have been invited to this call in the first place. It feels like an ambush to me! Why was your peer putting themselves in the middle? Do they enjoy drama? They should have escalated it appropriately and not dropped you into a difficult and hostile situation.

Ddakji · 31/03/2025 16:39

Sounds like you handled an unprofessional knob very well indeed! But I get that it’s rattling to walk out - but it’s the right thing to have done.

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:40

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:36

They were in a more entry level role for several years and have just moved up to this one… they are capable and can do things, it’s not a capability thing, it’s a I don’t want to thing, I don’t know if it was an issue before

how long have they been in the new role?

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