I snapped at work… how bad is it?

[Freakedfreaked]

Im in a mid management role, no direct reports but do work with people more junior, their job is to support me and my peer in the delivery of key business tasks.

I’m relatively new in the role (6 months) there are some obscure processes and policies I’m still finding out about. My performance in role has been met with praise from exco, so I’m doing well)

there is one jnr who frankly is incredibly difficult to the extent I dread working together because it’s a battle. A simple task is met with a huge amount of pushback and moaning and reasons why not to do something. Things mysteriously not getting saved etc etc. General rudeness. It has been escalated.

this is a persistent issue with everyone but I do feel it’s worse with me.

today, very simple bau task, the same nonsense very aggressive with it too. Then basically tattles to my peer on zoom, who then sides with me and invites me to the call. The junior guy then turns around and flips it on me, saying it’s not his responsibility and how the direction wasn’t clear. To which i pointed out it’s fine to ask a question if the ask isn’t clear but xyz needs to be done. He mumbles some shit sarcy shit about it not being clear, my peer says the email I sent was pretty clear and he’s been in role long enough to know what was meant. He mutters something under his breath. I snapped. I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed, and it’s making me quite cross, so to that end I’m leaving this call. I think I was calm in my tone of voice, but I was shaking on the inside.

was I hideously unprofessional

my logic was, I’m not getting drawn into an argument of he said she said and playing the blame game, especially when I was feeling quite tense. They really landed me in it big time last week through not doing some key tasks. I had to work well into the night to sort it .

am I going to get a telling off?

@Freakedfreaked Of course you're not going to get a "telling off" OP. I can't believe the headspace you're giving this. You weren't a "hysterical woman" - on the contrary, you retained your composure whilst making it clear you were not happy with this knob's junior's behaviour. You've told us that everyone in the business knows what he's like (yet no-one in a more senior position has done anything about it! 🙄) so they will more likely be thinking "There, but for the grace of God, go I". They may even be feeling guilty that they haven't grasped this particular nettle before - he should have collected a slew of warnings by now.
Honestly OP, stop overthinking it. Your peer, who invited you onto the call, supported you in the face of sneaky junior's insinuations and heard the way in which you left the call, has told you it's nothing to worry about. So why are you? Really, there's no need. 🤗

I don’t actually think you did anything wrong? You said your piece, there wasn’t anything else to say, you were getting exasperated, you ended the conversation.

Leaving the call maybe not ideal, but certainly not unreasonable.

I’d follow it up with a calm and concise factual email to your manager, outlining the business impact of current situation and the previous issues, so that it’s documented. You can then have a chat with them about how it’s escalated with the individuals line manager and HR if necessary.

its been an ongoing issue, but the meeting saga was today

Don't apologise! I have never worked anywhere that sarky, mumbled comments at my senior colleague would be tolerated. I think ending the call was the level, 'take no bullshit' approach you should take.

Write up everything, every instance that's lead you here and email it to your line manager. Not with a 'was I unprofessional'? slant, but to show that he needs managing and you're not here to have your time wasted.

Absolutely do not apologise OP - there is no reason for you to do so.

It was obvious it was public sector!!!

Better to leave than say something regrettable.

You may be judged on how successfully you manage this person into being a better performer.

Suggest try not let person get into your head. Try a strategy & treat it like a game. Your normal way of delegating tasks isn’t successful so when you try next:

X, we can both agree there was tension and I would like to understand, from your perspective, the challenges you experience with Task and how we can, together, improve your experience the process whilst still getting good result, on time.

something like that to not allow them feel they are “heard” and perhaps they improve.

However, the snarky needs to stop, and if they take snarky remarks, you need to say “x, that’s not appropriate workplace language, I’ll need you to rephrase that ..”

My advice would be to email HR and your joint boss. Explain that he has failed to perform on a number of tasks, resulting in significant extra work, and being called on it today he was muttering insults at you on the phone, X can verify. You left the call as politely as possible and are no longer willing to work with him due to his rudeness coupled with his inability or unwillingness to complete tasks assigned to him. List and attach some emails demonstrating he is not completing tasks, and state you are happy to provide any further information required.

It may help to force the disciplinary he clearly needs.

And please don't listen to anyone saying YOU need to apologise. You are not obliged to sit on a call with muttered insults.

You're absolutely fine. The peer backed you up. Your management are aware and will almost certainly back you.

I agree with this. I also would not have another meeting or email that didn’t have clear, bullet point, agenda items. I don’t know why you tolerate his repeated attempts to negotiate the clear terms of your requests? Just send him orders and demand compliance.

Sounds OK to me, it could have escalated into a slanging match. Either he will step up or find another job which suits him better. You've done your best, good for you.

I work in an old-fashioned bosses & labourers industry, where the guv'nor is the guv'nor and what they say goes.

In my workplace, your junior would have been told clearly that if he wasn't able to understand the instructions, given the time that he's been employed there, then he perhaps wasn't cut out for this kind of work. That would have been followed with a firm "Are you clear now, or do you need me to explain it again?". If his feelings were hurt by your tone, then that would have been his own fault for doing a bad job and attempting to make excuses. No-one would have criticised you for speaking to him bluntly.

This bloke didn't even get a bollocking - you told him that he was making you cross, and dropped the call before you lost your temper with him. He got off lightly.

If he reports the incident and you are questioned about it, don't apologise. Stick to your guns - you gave him clear instructions to do a task that should be well within his capabilities, he didn't ask for clarification, then tried to blame you for the fact he didn't get his work completed.

Being more senior doesn’t automatically mean that everyone can push and push and you don’t react. You were truthful didn’t shout and said let’s pause this. Of course there’s always personal work we can do to next time be able to continue the conversation. Flouncing would be just ending the call without saying anything I’d suggest. The fact that you are bothered speaks volumes and that it was out of character.

even if you were unprofessional the world won’t end, has this chap been shit for ages a d you are addressing g it? I’d reframe it in your mind in terms of why hasn’t his manager managed him . That’s the unacceptable thing.

Sounds like you were very calm and reasonable. And he needs disciplinary action.

I'm at the bottom of the pile and have also been in my job quite a while and would not hesitate to tell a new superior that this is not how things are done here because of x,y, z. In that sense, I'm a bit like your junior person so I was expecting to side with them. However, you were having an informal conversation where everyone was being quite honest and you were quite frank so I wouldn't consider it a big deal, certainly not something that would get you into massive trouble. You ended a call a bit early, that's all.

I think you were right to leave the call. You had said what needed to be said there was no point carrying on with the discussion.

It’s like getting into an argument with a toddler, it will go round in circles and not get anywhere, so someone has to be the adult and put an end to it. Some people think they win an argument by wearing down the other person until they give in, sounds to me as though that is a strategy your young colleague has used successfully in the past, and he needs to know that it might work at home with his mum but not in an adult work situation

Having read all your posts, I still think it wasn't a big deal. If I was in a conversation with someone and it started to get very tense, I could well understand someone saying they can't continue at the moment (because everyone needs to pause).

I don't like all these people pushing you to make a complaint about him (is it a him?) to get your complaint in there first. Don't make a complaint about him just to cover your back for this recent meeting. Make one only if it's valid in general.

A man who did what you did wouldn't think twice about it.

"I work in an old-fashioned bosses & labourers industry, where the guv'nor is the guv'nor and what they say goes."

That's not something to brag about. Higher up doesn't meal always right and it's not healthy in an organisation.

Just read all your posts - I have worked in quite senior management in private sector for a few decades.
I wouldn’t tell you off - you’re only human and you left the call after stating how you felt.

you sound great and hope it goes well for you.

my manager had a lot of issue with my peer and was basically talked out of and not supported in a formal process, they did get someone another peer basically give their head a wobble to use MN parlance.

so there is no point in a complaint, because I have spoken to my manager about this and manager is aware, after junior said to ‘ if you want it done do it yourself’ so a complaint will be like screaming into the wind. I will make today’s incident known though.

Thank you! That’s very kind, and I do try, but I will admit, today’s sniping got the best of me.

"‘ if you want it done do it yourself’"

At first glance, extremely rude!
However, I do have some superiors who cannot delegate at all and want things done exactly in the same way they would have done it themselves. That is not possible, because other people are not telepathic so when superiors are extremely fussy, I am also tempted to tell them do it themselves!