To wonder how unethical a coffee date would be if he won’t commit?

[Celia24]

To clarify, my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s I’m not getting younger.

I don’t want to break up with him yet, but I also don’t want to put all my eggs in his basket.

would I be a cheat to consider signing back up to the dating apps, with the intention of going on some coffee dates (nothing physical)?

You could just talk to him and say if he wants to get married you want to get engaged within the next six months and marry within 18 months. Or whatever timescale. I don't know why so many women wait around for a proposal that may never come or won't come on the timescale that suits them. Is it about checking that he's commited enough to want commitment as evidenced by deciding to do the proposal? I just had a chat to my then boyfriend and we decided to get married and that was that. But I didn't want a proposal because I wanted to be an equal partner in the decision-making not for it to all be up to him.

Is it difficult though?

You don’t see the harm in dating with the intention of finding a new partner while continuing to pretend you’re in an exclusive relationship with your current partner?

Hmm

Yes, you would be cheating and yes, that is unethical. 🙄

How would you feel if he started dating other people? Nothing physical of course, just checking if there is anything better out there before he decides if you see worth a proposal........

What do you mean he’s dragging his heels on a proposal? Are you also dragging your heels on a proposal? It is 2025 you know!?

Seriously OP!
You are not ready to get married if you're thinking of going on coffee dates with strangers from a dating app!
I'd be questioning your commitment, not his!

She doesn't say that he doesn't want to commit; there are people in committed long-term relationships who choose not to marry.

You’re in a relationship which is serious enough that you expect this man to propose to you but you simultaneously want to shop around and join dating apps… choose one or the other. If marriage is a dealbreaker for you and he doesn’t want it, then end the relationship. Don’t start shopping around for other men while you’re in a relationship. That’s cheating. And also completely gross.

Don’t do it behind his back. Would you marry him if you found out he was on dating apps behind your back?

It’s difficult to give specific advice without knowing the reasons why he won’t get married. You could discuss opening the relationship if you think that would work for both of you. Otherwise, just break up with him if you want to date other people.

She is getting those replies…

my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s

FFS. It’s 2025.

If you want to get married, tell him you want to get married, ask him if he wants to get married and if he does set a date. If he doesn’t, decide whether you want to stay in the relationship without marriage and take it from there.

It doesn’t sound like you do want to marry him, because instead of being a grown up and raising it yourself to resolve it, you’d rather childishly try to force him into a proposal by dating other people.

Quite right. It’s not the 1850s.

Surely if you want a proposal and he’s dragging his heels you give him an ultimatum, propose or you split.

if you split you go on dates! I don’t think cheating is the answer to the problem you have. It is a sure fire way of not getting the proposal!!

Obviously you need to be honest. ‘You don’t seem very keen to progress rhis relationship. If you were I’d love that, but I have to face reality, so I am going back on dating apps to see if anyone amazing pops up.’

I’d just say marry or seperate, I think dating apps will come back to bite you.

There are plenty of fairly neutral replies along the lines of 'please don't do that'. Hardly being torn apart, so why pretend otherwise?

I think if you both considered yourself single until marriage, and dated other people then no- it’s not unethical.

i think to be in a monogamous relationship and do that is unethical- well it’s cheating.

but it’s not unreasonable to not want to play the role of wife without commitment/proposal. However just be honest and break up. You have different, incompatible desires here.

You know the answer. I suspect you also know that the fact you are even thinking about looking for a replacement man before you've addressed the problem with this relationship tells you that this is not the man for you.

Or, as Mr Du Jour is fond of saying, "One at a time is good fishing".

I don't see what you get out of these dates?

Just leave if you don't want the same things

Don't waste mens' time if they're meeting you in good faith. That's so shitty.

I think if you're going to do it, you may as well get a 3 course dinner out of it with champagne on tap. Not boring old coffee! You want to see whether these men are willing to whip out their wallets and support you, not cheapskates who think paying for your oat flat white is a stretch!

You’re also really out of touch if you think there’s many men on dating sites looking for marriage.. its a rarity, and those that are certainly won’t entertain a woman that’s already in a relationship.

If you are actually considering doing this then just end the relationship now.

He isn't the man for you

If you have not agreed to be committed, no. If you only ever dated one person at a time, forming relationships would be very difficult to near imposible unless you are very good at attracting a potential partner or have massive amounts of free time (I don't get how some people have the time to go on hundreds of dates when one would think they have to earn a living for some significant proportion of their time). In the OP's case, if she is expecting a proposal, they have agreed commitment at some point and dating other people would be cheating. If it is not cheating, that means in this situatiuon you should be able to tell your partner you are dating other people and expect them to be perfectly happy with that.

Just end it, then go on your date. You deserve better than to hang around hoping.

Yeah that's cheating.

You know its cheating because of how you'd feel if he did it.

Is a proposal a deal breaker for you? If so talk to him, if he's who you want to have a future with. Or leave him and have coffee with whoever you like