To wonder how unethical a coffee date would be if he won’t commit?

[Celia24]

To clarify, my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s I’m not getting younger.

I don’t want to break up with him yet, but I also don’t want to put all my eggs in his basket.

would I be a cheat to consider signing back up to the dating apps, with the intention of going on some coffee dates (nothing physical)?

FFS, if you want to date other people, then end it with your boyfriend first. Of course you would be cheating on him by signing up for bloody dating apps while still in a relationship. It would also be unfair on the men you were dating.

If you want to get married, what's stopping you from proposing to him?

I'm amused that you have to specify 'coffee dates', as if you imagine that somehow the fact that it's a coffee shop instead of a pub makes it more acceptable. Jesus.

You say he’s “dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons” but the clear implication is that you are in a committed, exclusive relationship. Is that right?

Unless you’re completely amoral, a diagnosable sociopath or very, very stupid you know perfectly well that there’s no ‘ethical’ way to go back on the dating apps.

If you are not sufficiently mature and emotionally literate to discuss this situation with your partner and deal with the consequences, then you are absolutely not sufficiently mature and emotionally literate to get married. It’s a lifelong commitment. Conflict, disagreement, disappointment and awkward conversations are completely inevitable.

How long have you been with him?

2/3 years without a proposal isn’t really that long.

10 years then yes that’s cracking on a bit.

It is 2025 and hanging on for a proposal is a bit dated - if it bothers you so much, then ask him.

What you are proposing to do atm is cheating and I guarantee, it will blow up in your face when he finds out.

Yeah, that's cheating.
If you're even thinking about that then your relationship is over so you might as well end it and then be free to date other people.

Oh come on if you are in a relationship then going on dating apps is cheating and you must know that perfectly well! End the relationship if you want to do that! But you won't as it sounds like you need the safety if that relationship in case you don't meet anyone else!

Just end it, you’re not the one for him and you are thinking of dating other men.

Why do you want him to propose when you dont love him?

I remember when I was about 30. I'd been with my partner 3 years and was desperate to marry him because I loved him sooo much and was excited to live the rest of my life with him and have children with him. He knew I wanted to marry him but we both also knew we wanted him to propose (that tradition was important to us both!) and I only wanted to marry him if and when he too was ready!

Two years later, out of the blue, he proposed very romantically!

In the whole 5 years we were together before engagement, I never once considered cheating on my now husband!! I never once thought about anyone else!! My love for him grew stronger every day!

I suppose if I'd reached 35 and I felt maybe he was never going to be ready to commit, I may have needed to talk that through with him and ultimately, maybe I would have had to break up with him because I did want children and there is a biological time limit, and if he was never going to want to be with me long term I'd have had to come to terms with that. But I'd never have cheated. If I'd had to end it I'd have been devastated and probably unable to date for a year after the end of the relationship.

I have now been happily married for 20 years!

I just don't think with the attitude you have towards your partner, and the fact you are willing and happy to see other people while still in a relationship with him, that even if he did propose and you did get married, this relationship would last. You just don't seem to be in love with him, to respect him and to want to devote yourself to him and noone else for the rest of your life.

Personally I think you should do him a favour and split up and find someone who you can be with who you would never ever consider cheating on.

For his sake just finish it now. I’m not surprised he is in no rush to marry you if you’re the type of person who thinks going on dates with other blokes whilst in a relationship is acceptable and isn’t cheating. Quite frankly you sound awful.

Well you don’t have to imagine them because the replies are identical as everyone is saying this is unethical.

Astonished that women are still waiting for the man to propose!
We’re celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I proposed to him.

Er, yes it would and I think you know it would?

If you want a proposal cut out the middle man and do it yourself.

Or, if you're one of these people who thinks the man has to do it and he hasn't done it just sack him off and move on.

Using the threat of another man as a bargaining chip is cheap, manipulative and likely to backfire.

According to your previous posts, you've only been seeing this man for 18 months! And he's been married before. And you think some other bloke is actually your 'soul-mate'. You also seem to have been finding small things to post about your boyfriend that annoy you for pretty much the entire duration of your relationship, from his use of the English language, to him mentioning his ex-wife too much, to his choice of facial hair.

Is it any surprise that your boyfriend isn't in any rush to propose to you? Do you even live with him?

He's not 'dragging his heels' for god's sake. He's sensible. You seem really intense and entirely focused on yourself and what you want without considering him as anything other than a generic husband to fill a vacancy.

Yes of course it is.

Have an adult conversation and split up or move forward together.

Everyone has said they think its unethical and a shit thing to do, do you think if it was a man people would be praising them and saying it would be the right thing to do? O_o

Of course you'd be a cheat. It would mean you've already signed out of the relationship but not had the decency or backbone to end your current relationship.

You don't sound that into him so marrying him sounds like a bad move anyway.

No because you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. If you force his proposal hes going to resent you. You are in different places and that’s ok, end it and move on. Also if he found out you were dating he’d probably dump you for cheating so you lose him anyway. Better to be honest.

Yes, it would be unethical. What you should do is have a conversation which is “do you want to get married?” and make a decision based on that answer. You want to get married, you want to do that sooner rather than later. It’s fine to feel like your time is being wasted but someone on a coffee date isn’t going to propose. End your relationship first. Don’t play silly games trying to get a proposal out of jealousy.

This 💯!
That was meant to quote the poster who said OP was not into him.

It doesn't really sound like you're that into your partner if you are even considering this. I would see that in itself as a sign that maybe it is time to end it.

Not sure what you mean by 'dragging his heels' presume you mean you are waiting for him to propose rather than you've proposed to him and he isn't sure yet? If it is then why are you waiting for him to propose anyway - propose to him (well actually, no, not a great idea at the moment - think about whether that is really what you want first!) if you are ready to get married.

A man would be universally torn apart, which isn’t happening here. Plus, when I posted, the voting was around 20% YANBU, although it’s a lot lower now.

Also, as you mention your age, are you thinking about time to have children? There are possibilities you could explore such as egg freezing, going it alone with a donor…. I know these have their drawbacks but they are there and might be better than an unhappy marriage.

your wasting your time He ain’t gonna propose

@ItGhoul they’ve been together 18 months?! FFS.