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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how unethical a coffee date would be if he won’t commit?

141 replies

Celia24 · 31/03/2025 11:45

To clarify, my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s I’m not getting younger.

I don’t want to break up with him yet, but I also don’t want to put all my eggs in his basket.

would I be a cheat to consider signing back up to the dating apps, with the intention of going on some coffee dates (nothing physical)?

OP posts:
PickledElectricity · 31/03/2025 12:00

Well, yes. But if he's not committing are you willing to wait around to see if he does; are you going to be happy to carry on as you are; what's your ultimate goal? Do you want him to see you're desirable on the marriage market and declare his love and propose?!

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 31/03/2025 12:01

"I'm not getting what I want, so I will cheat rather than have an adult conversation".

Starling7 · 31/03/2025 12:05

Are you looking to have children? If not getting married is the deal breaker for you, just sit him down and tell him. Literally can't understand why we all sit around waiting for men to validate us with a ring

DenholmElliot11 · 31/03/2025 12:06

Do it.

And tell him to shit, or get off the pot.

lazycats · 31/03/2025 12:06

A) of course it is
B) why do you care so much about marriage?

Mnetcurious · 31/03/2025 12:07

Don’t do this. Lay it all on the table for your boyfriend- I’m in my 30s and want to settle down. If you can’t give me that then I need to leave this relationship and find someone who’s ready to commit.

YehThoughtSo · 31/03/2025 12:09

Such a weird approach. Do you love your partner? Do you want to share your life with him? If so, YABVU to entertain the idea of anyone else.

Or do you NOT love him and NOT want to share your life with him? In which case, break up with him - why are you waiting around like a princess - and go on the coffee date. But do it in the morally right way.

Velvetbee · 31/03/2025 12:09

Mnetcurious · 31/03/2025 12:07

Don’t do this. Lay it all on the table for your boyfriend- I’m in my 30s and want to settle down. If you can’t give me that then I need to leave this relationship and find someone who’s ready to commit.

This.

Bobnobob · 31/03/2025 12:11

How long have you been together?

MothersDayLieIn · 31/03/2025 12:11

Of course you would be cheating if you saw other people while in a relationship.

How would.yoh feel.if your partner was meeting women on a dating app right now?

The fact you are considering this may be a clue to why your partner isn't ready for marriage yet. He seems sensible to me and I don't think you are ready for marriage.

If you don't think your current partner is right, suggest a break in the relationship and see other people when you are no longer with your partner.

Do not cheat.

Mnetcurious · 31/03/2025 12:12

lazycats · 31/03/2025 12:06

A) of course it is
B) why do you care so much about marriage?

“why do you care so much about marriage?”

presumably because she wants that commitment before having kids. Time after time I’ve read on here about women trapped in relationships/left with nothing when the relationship ends because they’ve had children with someone they’re not married to, given up their careers to birth/look after the children and are financially beholden to a man. And because there’s no marriage certificate, there’s no financial security or entitlement.

RoachFish · 31/03/2025 12:13

It seems you aren't mature enough for marriage, even though you are in your 30s. I think that's a much bigger issue,

offmynut · 31/03/2025 12:15

You are defo not ready for marriage if you want other men.
Whats the rush for marriage.

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 12:16

Well if this is the type of person you are, I’m not surprised he’s dragging his feet about marrying you if I’m honest; no doubt your dubious morals have come out elsewhere in the relationship for him to see. Those who have no qualms about immoral behaviour when it’s of benefit to them are usually like that in all aspects of their life.

Summerlilly · 31/03/2025 12:16

This is a wind up right?

He won’t propose to me, so I’m gonna have an affair. 🤣
Before you say it, going on dates with people that aren’t your partner is an affair.

BobbyBiscuits · 31/03/2025 12:19

If your partner finds out they won't necessarily believe it was just for 'non physical coffee dates'. So you may as well be shagging them as it will look the same in his eyes.
Just spilt up from him. Why waste his and all these potential new blokes time? Who wants to go on non physical dates only anyway?! You'd just go out with your mates?

ChristmasCwtch · 31/03/2025 12:28

Just end your relationship. Why flirt with other men in this situation… either in the hopes that you snag someone else and dump your boyfriend or a hope that your current boyfriend notices you have options and is compelled to propose?

I had a similar situation as it took my now DH 6.5 years to propose!! I set an internal deadline of 7 years and then I would have walked away. I wouldn’t have set an ultimatum. He either wanted me or not. So I think you need to be prepared to walk. You shouldn’t need to be someone’s second choice.

NoTouch · 31/03/2025 12:29

You are in your 30s now and it is 2025, you don't wait for a proposal.

Just talk to him tell him you want to get engaged and married and how important it is to you and ask him to be honest where he is. If he doesn't want to, doesn't have an acceptable reason and it is a dealbreaker for you then end the relationship and move on.

It you can't discuss these things openly you don't sound compatible any way.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 12:30

Maybe he isn't dragging his heels and doesn't want to marry you.

honeylulu · 31/03/2025 12:31

Surely if you love someone enough to want to marry them, the idea of dating other men should be of zero interest and appeal?

This relationship doesn't seem right for you, proposal or not.

If you want to cut your losses and date other men to find someone more suitable, fine, but end your current relationship first.

I'm wondering if going on the apps is your secret way of punishing him for not proposing and boosting your ego? Please don't, that is so nasty and immature. My friend used to do something similar in her teens - if her boyfriend annoyed her she would snog someone else in secret revenge. Guess what, she soon grew out of it.

Snorlaxo · 31/03/2025 12:32

You’re not unethical to end things but you are being unethical to go on a coffee date while in a monogamous relationship. If the relationship is poly or open then go ahead.

StartAnew · 31/03/2025 12:34

Why don't you want to break up with him 'yet'? Are you keeping your options open until you found someone better? You would not be the first person to do that, but most of them are men!

yeesh · 31/03/2025 12:34

Lol

TheCurious0range · 31/03/2025 12:37

Your stance implies you consider yourself single unless married. Most people don't feel that way. If he doesn't want to marry and you do, move on but end the relationship first.

PsychoHotSauce · 31/03/2025 12:39

Celia24 · 31/03/2025 11:45

To clarify, my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s I’m not getting younger.

I don’t want to break up with him yet, but I also don’t want to put all my eggs in his basket.

would I be a cheat to consider signing back up to the dating apps, with the intention of going on some coffee dates (nothing physical)?

So you're checking if you have any other options first, and if not you'll carry on as you are? How would DP feel about that? How would YOU feel if he did the same to you?